First ever senryu (hope I've done it right

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Edit 1
A wound is poked raw
Until winter wisdom states
Stop poking it prick

A wound he pokes raw
Until winters wisdom states
Stop poking it prick

[Leanne]

Wisdom indeed.

Technically, even though there's a season reference in there, this is a senryu (about the human condition) -- but I really don't think the distinction is as important as what the poem manages to do. This manages to impart quite a lot of information in three lines, so you've understood the point of the form. A couple of suggestions: I'd probably tend to remove "he" entirely and make that first line "a wound is poked raw"; winter's should have an apostrophe, or you could just make it "winter wisdom".

I can imagine an irascible Winter saying just that (though in my head, Winter looks a bit like billy)

[billy]

A wound he pokes raw
Until winters wisdom states
Stop poking it prick

good effort, i'm with leanne that it reads more like a senryu but what really matters is that you tried a new form and that it's not half bad

use the 575 syl count if you want but it's okay not too.
i'd change he for it i'm also thinking leanne is right with winter wisdom


id have said leanne is more like winter than i. one of those nuclear winter thingies

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Yeah thanks for that both of you. Great help.
It was fun to try, and I think I would try it again, along with my new understanding of the style
Billy, I think I like the challenge of the 5 7 5 format, so if I go again I think I'll keep it.
As for which of you is more like winter. If it means your both wise, then all is well (but something tells me it mean you both cold and harsh

[billy]

she means wise i mean cold .

and yes yes yes, to

I think I like the challenge of the 5 7 5 format, so if I go again I think I'll keep it.

an excellent example of how to accept feedback. looking forward to seeing more of you in the short form forum.
the 575 is really good to use if you want to learn how to stick to a strict scheme. a stepping stone to some of the larger forms that we have on the site.