Be weary of the lover’s love,
And place no trust in its resilience,
For it can only fail your certitude,
Leaving you alone on your deathbed,
Sacrifice your heart to love,
And you've sacrificed yourself,
For loves beheld does not always feel,
While the beholder becomes loves prey,
To be devoured whole,
To forfeit one’s soul,
And ultimately,
Die alone.
I'm very new at this and really interested in any critique. Thank you.
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Dec 2012
(12-25-2012, 04:42 AM)anonymously Wrote: Be weary of the lover’s love,
And place no trust in its resilience,
For it can only fail your certitude,
Leaving you alone on your deathbed,
Sacrifice your heart to love,
And you've sacrificed yourself,
For loves beheld does not always feel,
While the beholder becomes loves prey,
To be devoured whole,
To forfeit one’s soul,
And ultimately,
Die alone.
I'm very new at this and really interested in any critique. Thank you.
I very much like the way this poem warns the reader rather than just tells the reader how the writer feels. I’m sure you meant the word “wary” rather than “weary” in the first line. I like what L7 and L8 are saying but I think “loves beheld” in L7 is kind of awkward. I can’t off-hand offer a better suggestion, but the way it is written confuses the reader as to the subject of the line. Is loves beheld talking about past loves or is it about the one being loved? I know it is the latter but I had to look at it for a while to be sure.
Posts: 109
Threads: 11
Joined: Jul 2012
Unique approach to love and the pain that sometimes comes along with it.
"leaving you alone on your deathbed" I don't think it's needed, it's pretty much repeated in the last line.
"For loves beheld does not always feel" I get what that means, but it just doesn't seem right.
You don't need the comma in the first line and 5th line and I think some of the commas can be replaced with periods.
"For it can only fail your certitude" is a strong line, like whiplash...very effective.
The tone seems like a bitter rant while the end is an over exaggeration, I don't know if that was your intent, but it works well with the meaning.
I enjoyed reading this very much. Direct without leaving nothing behind...very good!
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
for someone new to poetry it's pretty good 
i like the opening line, and wonder if you tried to keep the same meter would it have read better.
and trust not its resilience,
it only fails your certitude.
just a suggestion on how to make it it easy when spoken aloud.
(12-25-2012, 04:42 AM)anonymously Wrote: Be weary of the lover’s love,
And place no trust in its resilience,
For it can only fail your certitude,
Leaving you alone on your deathbed,
Sacrifice your heart to love,
And you've sacrificed yourself,
For loves beheld does not always feel,
While the beholder becomes loves prey,
To be devoured whole,
To forfeit one’s soul,
And ultimately,
Die alone.
I'm very new at this and really interested in any critique. Thank you.
Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
Hi welcome to the site.
As a first poem this is a really good efort.
I also picked up on the weary / wary thing in the first line and took it to be the latter and so just a spell check error.
Line 7 could do with a tweek as it feels a bit clumsey and I also wondered if the line:- To forfeit one's soul... needed "To" as I like the read when i ommited this, but this is just my thoughts so as with all critique offered it is just an opinion and please stick to your own creative preferances as desired.
I enjoyed this poem and i liked the title and thought that it was well made given the direction that the poem takes.
Thanks for sharing this.
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Joined: Dec 2012
Hello and very welcome to the site. I have to say great job. I really enjoyed the read . I love line 1 2 and 3 what a great way to start off. But I do agree about losing L4. Other than that great job and I look forward to more
Quote:Be weary of the lover’s love,
And place no trust in its resilience,
For it can only fail your certitude,
Leaving you alone on your deathbed,
Sacrifice your heart to love,
And you've sacrificed yourself,
For loves beheld does not always feel,
While the beholder becomes loves prey,
To be devoured whole,
To forfeit one’s soul,
And ultimately,
Die alone.
Thank you all for the critique, advice, and compliments. It's nice to be able to share in a anonymous environment and still grow as a writer.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
it's also nice for us to have people like ourselves who wish to grow as poets.
Posts: 7
Threads: 2
Joined: Nov 2012
I really like this poem because of its sad tone...and I like the style. I always try to write poems that rhyme somehow, but I really like this free verse (is it called "free verse"?!). You did well!
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