Catch of the day

[atalanta]

Hello there!

First of all: Happy Christmas to all of you!

Here's another poem I wrote today...I'm not really satisfied and could need some help. (Again, I'm German and I'm studying English...I have to write poems for my creative writing course...and I'm really not that creative and find it quite hard to write poetry..)

So, here we go:

1st Edit:

There is plenty of fish
mum kept making fun
while my only great wish
was for that only one.

I’ve seen her in the sea
her eyes a deep grey,
knew this fish was for me,
my catch of the day.

I kept casting my lure,
varied colour and shape
and when she caught it, for sure
she couldn’t escape.

Keeping her on the hook,
an exciting, sweet fight,
the first longing look,
made my heart shine so bright.

But I reeled in too fast
my excitement too great
and as my big moment passed
it soon was too late.

There is plenty of fish
as my mum used to say,
but still my biggest wish
was this catch of the day.


Original Version: Catch of the day

There’s plenty of fish
was my mum’s favorite line
while my only great wish
was that she would be mine.

I kept casting my lure,
varied colour and shape
and when she caught it, for sure
she couldn’t escape.

Keeping her on the hook,
an exciting, sweet fight,
the first longing look,
made my heart shine so bright.

I wanted her to be mine,
my catch of the day
I pulled too hard on the line
and she swam away.

There’s plenty of fish
as my mum used to say,
but still my biggest wish
was this catch of the day.


As I said, I'm not really satisfied...please help to improve it! THANK YOU!

[Leanne]

Atalanta, it's nice to see you posting but so far, you've only asked for help writing your assignments and haven't actually tried to participate in any other way. We're not really here to do your work for you. If you find it quite hard to write poetry, the best advice anyone will ever give you is to read poetry. Take note of what other people do and ask them why; see if that might work for you.

Please try to comment in other threads, or people will start to resent the lack.

[atalanta]

Oh, I'm sorry! Of course I'll read what other people wrote here and I already got some impression of what I could do...sorry!

[billy]

and try to leave some feedback,

i think the poem needs to be more clear in it's meaning.

There’s plenty of fish
was my mum’s favorite line
while my only great wish
was that she would be mine.

this reads like you wish your mum will be yours.
a suggestion would be;

There’s plenty of fish
my mum’s favorite line.
But My only wish
was for sweet Clementine.

of course you could use any name that rhymes.
try and keep a constant meter and try and make some of the phrase original, at present a lot of what's being said here has been said a lot of times already.

[rowens]

"There’s plenty of fish
was my mum’s favorite line
while my only great wish
was that she would be mine."

I kept thinking it meant you wanted your mum to be yours.

[smakpopy]

"There’s plenty of fish
was my mum’s favorite line
while my only great wish
was that she would be mine."

I kept thinking it meant you wanted your mum to be yours.

I take it that mum is consoling him after he lost his catch of the day, saying there are plenty of fish out there, but there was only one fish he wanted, but lost it.

I had no problem distinguishing she from mum, it may be confusing to a child reading that line though.

Maybe have one stanza talking about the "fish" you were after, before you started casting your lure.

[atalanta]

Great, thank you so much for your help! I'll sit down and try to improve it now...and yes, you're right, it sounds a little bit like he's after his own mum..that's weird! Thank you for pointing that out! I'll also try to give some feedback soon and get some help by reading more poetry...

[winterborn]

I like this piece, it is a light and fun look at love

There were two things that I thought of when I read this, in terms of a critique:

I think that "there are plenty of fish" rather than "there is plenty of fish" makes more sense grammatically.

The line "made my heart shine so bright" was a little out of place to me, it's nice, but maybe cliche? That is just my opinion though, so feel free to ignore it

Other than those things, I enjoyed this piece, the third stanza was my favourite, I like the rhythm and the images that you present there - the idea that you had to try different combinations and put in so much effort before "hooking" her

[atalanta]

Thank you winterborn