Big Cat Lay Down One Eve

[serge gurkski]

Revision 1:

Reminiscing in a cloud of wabi-sabi
precious mem'ries 'bout his
past
was
so-so:

There’s a
breeze in the curtains, outside lingers
a big man cat with sun-burned fur :
trotted over roof-tops chasing
sometimes sparrows, mostly sun beams,
fell once four floors down through
a chimney as wide and dark as his
mother’s womb must have been but
hurt not, ran off and just bit off a mouse-tail.

Watch this tomcat balance his feather-light
paws like he was “on Broadway“ tripping.
Sun's out and so him too, out there in day’s noise
the streets are hell but fun.
So he struts his stuff parading up and down the alley
for a fix of new adventures.


Tomcat's squinting and roll-rubbing the floor,
grinning at his life.
Reminiscing thusly lay my cat.


Original:

Reminiscing in a cloud of wabi-sabi
precious mem'ries 'bout his
past was so-so.
Miss I, did I
anything?

There’s a
breeze in the curtains, outside lingers
a cat with sun-burned fur :
Trotted over roof-tops chasing
sometimes sparrows, mostly sun beams.
Fell once four floors down through
a chimney as wide and dark as his
Mother’s womb must have been.
Hurt not, ran off and just bit off a mouse-tail.

Watch a tomcat balance his feather-light
paws like he was “on Broadway“ tripping,
sun, and so me, out there in day’s noise,
on the street, hell but fun.
I’m boxing back shabby me out into the air
sailing, dwindling down again mudheapupwards
but stay away from the skunks, their grins,
I need a fix of fresh of all.
Squinting and roll-rubbing the floors a bit,
grinning tomcatishly at life,
Reminiscing thusly lay my cat

[rowens]

It's hard to say anything bad about a poem that seems as though the poet simply said exactly what he wanted to say, and that I can't find anything negative about.

It's in the "novice" part, so maybe you had things you didn't like about it?

There's some grammar issues, but even those don't cast any bad feelings over the poem, because dedending on how you approach them, they might be exactly what the poet wanted to say, and how he wanted to say it.

So what do you think about it? I think it's ok.

[serge gurkski]

I think i like your comment.
I post in novice because I like it here. I am not a native speaker of English so any advice is absolutely welcome.

Thank you for looking into this, Rowens!
Very much appreciated

cheerio
Serge

[winterborn]

I enjoyed some of the imagery of this piece - specifically the line:

sometimes sparrows, mostly sun beams

and the repetition of the idea of reminiscing gave this a sense of coming full circle, which I liked

I did think that it appeared to get heavier (if that is the right word) as it went on, the lines getting longer and more wordy, and the flow a little stilted near the end - but that is the only thing that I can think to point out as a critique. Maybe if you wanted to edit this you could look at trimming down the last stanza a little?

Although I did love the image of "roll-rubbing" - that is a great description - reminds me of my kittens

Overall, this was an enjoyable read.

[serge gurkski]

Thank you for reading and commenting, winterborn!

As to your question (trimming the las stanza) I was wondering if the poem would loose anything if I just took out these lines:

I’m boxing back shabby me out into the air
sailing, dwindling down again mudheapupwards
but stay away from the skunks, their grins,
I need a fix of fresh of all.

What do you think? Would it make a difference?

cheers
Serge

[winterborn]

If you took those lines out, it would look like this:

Reminiscing in a cloud of wabi-sabi
precious mem'ries 'bout his
past was so-so.
Miss I, did I
anything?

There’s a
breeze in the curtains, outside lingers
a cat with sun-burned fur :
Trotted over roof-tops chasing
sometimes sparrows, mostly sun beams.
Fell once four floors down through
a chimney as wide and dark as his
Mother’s womb must have been.
Hurt not, ran off and just bit off a mouse-tail.

Watch a tomcat balance his feather-light
paws like he was “on Broadway“ tripping,
sun, and so me, out there in day’s noise,
on the street, hell but fun.
Squinting and roll-rubbing the floors a bit,
grinning tomcatishly at life,
Reminiscing thusly lay my cat

I think it does clean it up a little - but I did like the notion of needing "a fix of fresh (air?)" - so maybe you could add that in there somewhere too?

When I said "trimming" it down a little, I meant things like (and I'm sorry if this changes the meaning you were going for, it is just meant as a quick example):

Watch tomcat balance his feather-light - remove the "a"
paws like he was “on Broadway“ tripping,
sun, and so me, out there in day’s noise,
on the street, hell but fun.
Squinting and roll-rubbing floors, - remove the "the" and "a bit"
grinning tomcatishly at life,
reminiscing thusly lay my cat.

- the images still stay strong, but there is a greater economy of words.

Does that make sense?

[serge gurkski]

perfect sense. Thank you!
I ll post a revision very soon.

[rowens]

Your English seemed good enough. But you never know. So I figured poems could be a lot worse. I don't know the poet, but I had my own subjective ideas when I read it. And people talk all kinds of ways down around Broadway in the wee hours of the night or in the middle of the day, some days. So it was suggestive to me, but I was being suggested to by memories of others' drunken words. It's hard to know the writer's intent; you get into what you read, and don't know if what you like is what the writer doesn't care for.

I like things to be loose, complicated, and a bit confused sounding. But that's me. There was a lot more energy in the longer bit, but the newer version is more clear and visible. I guess that's what you want. I didn't know; you sound like you got fine English on tap to me. But I didn't know what you were going for here.

[serge gurkski]

Happy New Year, Rowens,

it is really just about a tomcat. I like to fool around with words to create a certain athmosphere. I do want to manipulate readers' subconsciousness. Why? Because I want to share how and what I feel about life. Having spent many years with cats I've come to consider them to be Zen masters. I am not interested in creating l'art pour l'art. I find this dull. It is like masturbating in public, So I am not too impressed by Mallarmé, Rilke etc. I also find it rather silly to disguise riddles as poems. I earned my living for some time by writing technical reports. I'm not striving for being opaque. I do not write to impress. Since of late I am very much drawn to Husserl's phenomenology, because I find it helpful in order to cope with my life (shortcut: making sense of what is). I am drawn also to a post-Parnassian approach to writing as a form of art. Writing to me is communicating with the world and at the same time reflecting upon this communication and sharing my reflections with the world. I enjoy to be able to entertain myself. It is that simple and that is as simple as a cat's approach to life.
cheers Serge

[serge gurkski]

I enjoyed some of the imagery of this piece - specifically the line:

sometimes sparrows, mostly sun beams

and the repetition of the idea of reminiscing gave this a sense of coming full circle, which I liked

I did think that it appeared to get heavier (if that is the right word) as it went on, the lines getting longer and more wordy, and the flow a little stilted near the end - but that is the only thing that I can think to point out as a critique. Maybe if you wanted to edit this you could look at trimming down the last stanza a little?

Although I did love the image of "roll-rubbing" - that is a great description - reminds me of my kittens

Overall, this was an enjoyable read.

Happy New Year,
you are right about "howsoever". Thank you! :-)

cheers
Serge