Something A Dumb Guy Woould Right (horror)

[BennyBoy]

This is my first non-rhyming poem. My goal was to write something "earthy."

Something A Dumb Guy Woould Right

Rotting corpse tacked to fence
the maggots fall from her face
I love to push holes inside
When I touch she shivers

Watch her as she decomposes
My girl who never leaves
She begs for pain
And I am happy to oblige

The winter comes and body freezes
She is cold but could be so warm
A cozy fire she embraces

You'll never leave
I push through your face
burn you while dead
flesh decomposing
love undying

[arbil_poieo]

Although, "Something a dumb guy would write" is an interesting title, I think you need another one because a title gives your poem an identity and it can give the reader a glimpse of the poem before reading it.

This is a great start, I think it just needs some more detail. Describe the winter that is coming, describe the pain she begs etc. Your goal for this was to be earthy and it has that potential to be, you have all the right words to set that up it just needs some imagery for that earthy feel.

What is great about this is that its morbid but kinda romantic, it was a very interesting read.

[BennyBoy]

Thanks for the critique arbil_poieo; I may re-write this poem or start a new one, but either way I'll take your advice to heart.

Better title, more detail, more imagery.

And I'm glad you enjoyed it Heartafire. It's one of my first attempts, but as long it's somewhat amusing I suppose it could be considered a success.