Distance

[brandontoh]

Thanks for reading my poem. =)

First Edit:
Septoletistance

He
Softly whispers:
‘Stop walking, please…’

She
Persists, but
Silently wishes
He’d give chase.

Original:
Septoletistance

He
Silently whispers:
‘Stop walking, please…’

She
Persists, but
Mutely wishes
He’d give chase.

[arbil_poieo]

Welcome Brandon!
Is this your first practice at a septolet?
It seems to follow the guidlines.

I think maybe another word should replace "mutely" in my opinion its not a fit word for what she's feeling, it's more general than emotional. You only have so many lines and words to capture a feeling or action. The way I took that line is that she's desperate for his effort, wanting his attention and I believe that's what you were going for.

Other than that I think you did a great job portraying two people who both want something from one another but not speaking up, that tends to happen a lot.

[brandontoh]

Hi! Yeah, this was my first Septolet. Oh gosh, I had so much trouble trying to find a word to take that spot. I'm not too happy with mutely, but I chose it because it provides a very 'vocal' image of the characters. I'll continue looking for a suitable word though. Thanks for the feedback.

[arbil_poieo]

It's good for your first attempt. I'll try to think of a word too.

[billy]

hi brandon,

it looks like you have the form done properly. one problem i see is 'silently whispers' whispers are not silent. quietly whispers could be an alternative

you could use silent instead of mutely, or privately

good effort.

Thanks for reading my poem. =)

Septoletistance

He
Silently whispers:
‘Stop walking, please…’

She
Persists, but
Mutely wishes
He’d give chase.

[brandontoh]

Thanks. =) I've switched out 'silently' for 'softly', and I've replaced 'mutely' with 'silently'.