Posts: 41
Threads: 8
Joined: Jan 2013
It's about overeating. That's it!
You Were Always On My Mind
I feel hate in my guts
It commands me to eat
I break my will
and devolve to beast
I sink to the ground
wishing for death
I am a headache
a fool with regret
I touch my face
and coldly tremble
I'm a sick man
a single whisper
Posts: 29
Threads: 8
Joined: Jan 2013
I like the line "and devolve to beast" I think it captures the feeling of doing something compulsively without thought and the feeling that follows
Posts: 29
Threads: 19
Joined: Nov 2012
really deep. i think all you need to work on would be word to poem imagery. nice job
Isn't It Evil to Live Backwards~Loaded Lux
I'm Batman, act up and I'll squeeze Hecklers/You'll die before the first clip drops, Heath Ledger!
Posts: 27
Threads: 15
Joined: Dec 2012
Hi BennyBoy,
I personally would recommend not giving away the poem before you say it (let us read into it what we will) that way you'll get more helpful and accurate feedback.
About the poem,
I really like where your'e going with this some of the lines are fantastic.
What your'e saying is great, but could use some filling out. A few specific comments are below:
Firstly the rigid two line structure makes it feel a little stilted and abrupt. Try mixing in some longer stanzas that fill out the imagery to make it feel more "meaty". At the moment this poem feels like a salad with nothing but lettuce and maybe a sliver of tomato for dinner, if you fill it out and give it more substance it will be truer to the content. Try to make the structure more conducive to feeling like someone is gorging out.
Another comment is you can possibly remove all the "I"s at the start of the stanzas as the first person reference can be deduced by the rest of the poem. for example:
"Hate in my guts
commands me to eat"
You also have some really solid starts to great imagery, that haven't been taken to their potential for example:
"I touch my face
and coldly tremble"
I know what youre saying here, and the feeling your'e talking about. But that's just it, I know it.
Paint me a beautiful picture with your words, don't just say it.
Cheers,
Ben
If something happens and you can remedy it, Why worry?
And if something happens that you can't remedy, Still why worry?
www.benjack.co.nz
Posts: 41
Threads: 8
Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks! People have commented on my lack of imagery - which is weird because I think of myself as primarily a visual artist. Guess I'm not!
Regardless I'll be sure to incorporate more imagery into my next one.
(Also the "devolve to beast" bit is my favorite too. Isn't it sad we can't perform at our best 100% of the time?)
