Poieo

[arbil_poieo]

(poieo means "I create" in Greek)
Warning: its long
Small Edit: fixed some typos thanks to Todd and Rowens

A rough touch
in its laugh.
Celestial—it assumes
dawn is a spiral
covered in atmosphere
wrapped in the warm
cold.
Closely,
too close
we have arrived—awake.
Morning is a bother
challenging air
pulling above—
breath.
We use to lean on this
tired—our back against the early wink.
Mocking the intentions,
the introductions,
the failures.
Struggling in this plight
engaged—we are
bare—obvious as the sun
in eternity's grin.
We remained whole
following
staying too close
against each other.
Weight of unraveling
are in the surfaces,
the spaces on the outside.
We couldn't court the world
with our ideas—illusions,
couldn't confront the exceptions.
Edged to size for this paper, safely borrowed
our greatest grounding
now our landing.
Our love was about
how much this paper remained blank.
Finally, a poem I created
for the last of us
Though in my conscience
still acting—sincerely
of our time
and feeling eternity moving
echoing from another space.
Neither syllables, rhyme
nor prose
can change an iris of a flower
nor the likeliness of an ornament sun setting.
It's just something to touch,
to move,
as I touch this entirely.
For introductions
intentions—failures,
I created its form
theatric at best
to then recognize and now present its purpose
a muse—I'll soon regret
for you my apology.

[billy]

i really liked it though goit confused by the "i" , the 'we' to represent the god felt more lofty.

A rough touch
in it's laugh.
Celestial-it assumes
dawn is a spiral
covered in atmosphere
wrapped in the warm
cold.

i fell for the thing after these lines.

[newsclippings]

Our love was about
how much this paper remained blank.


^^ that right there, is solid -- hit home.

[Arriedo]

a muse-I'll soon regret
for you my apology.

if i had the ability to cry i'd cry at the end. it was beautiful, well written. the imagery was dead on. Took me on a ride and i enjoyed it every time i read it.

[Todd]

You had a lot of nice little touches here. I loved the warm cold, the obvious as the sun line, the blank paper.

I realize this isn't a critique forum and maybe I'm reading this wrong but this feels like a double negative (did you mean it to be)?

Neither syllables, rhyme
nor prose
can't change an iris of a flower

I keep wanting that to be can.

Also, and this is minor since in the second instance you have failures plural, did you mean it to be singular the first time you wrote it?

Nice piece Ash.

[rowens]

I wondered if you wanted your dashes to have the effect of hyphens, it just looks that way. It's hard to make the pause when they look like hyphens.

The "it's" in the second line is a typo.

The same typo twice in

"I created it's form
theatric at best
to then recognize and now present it's purpose"

I'll read it again later.

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Billy, thank you for you reading and commenting. Yeah, I was afraid it would be a little confusing because I jumped from one thing to another without a clear meaning. Just let me know at what part it started getting confusing and I'll fix it.

Hey Newsclippings, thank you for stopping by and commenting. They were also my favorite lines, so I'm happy you liked them as well.

Hey Arriedo, thank you for reading and for your comment and it's the thought that counts right?

Hey Todd, oh, thanks! No you weren't reading it wrong, it wasn't suppose to be a double negative it was suppose to be "can" not "can't" and as far as the other "failure" or "failures" they were suppose to be plural. Good eye! Thank you for your comments and for reading it.

Hey Rowens, thanks for pointing that out to me. Yeah, the dashes are meant for pause, but maybe they're not necessary...? Thank you for reading and for your good eye.

[rowens]

Did you see the second line?

---

And maybe just make the dashes longer or leave spaces on each side of the ones you have.

[arbil_poieo]

No I didn't notice, thank you. Both fixed. Thank you again.

[billy]

okay, fairs fair, i wasn't confused as such i just wondered


here you use we as in "the almighty we" or the "royal we" or 'celestial we'

engaged---we are
bare---obvious as the sun
in eternity's grin.
We remained whole
following

then it went all 'I' from here

Finally, a poem I created

i was wondering why not just keep the "we"?

[rowens]

I went out and picked you up a more fetching dash... —

Just cut and paste it, if you want.

But yours remind me of the good old typewriter days. I still prefer typewriters to computers, but the Internet won't comply.

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Billy,
My thought behind this poem was to be about about a relationship of 2 people who thought that it was "divine" God's plan type of relationship like soulmates, they both wanted to last eternity but even eternity grinned at the fact that they were destined to be doomed because of how they acted toward each other. They both hold on even though it's pointless even mocking the fact that they can't get it right, toward the middle of the poem the narrator talks about it being pointless, so "we" becomes "I". To let go and have closure she wanted to write a poem about the relationship and at the end she finally does, with regret that in the end he became just her muse and to him an apology for her role in the relationship's failure. Pretty much the poem is the poem the narrator wrote to her ex boyfriend wanting a "visible" ending (the poem) and to apologize. At least that's what I intended it to mean, but it's a tricky poem. Hopefully this clears it all up, if not then I'll probably need to rewrite it and make it clearer.

---

I went out and picked you up a more fetching dash... —

Just cut and paste it, if you want.

But yours remind me of the good old typewriter days. I still prefer typewriters to computers, but the Internet won't comply.

Thank you Rowens, I appreciate that. I would't mind having an antique typewriter but they're hard to come by nowadays and expensive.

[billy]

hi ash, it doesn't need a re write and my pov and others will seldom be the same
i thought it about the creator loving us but us failing too late to realize we're not capable of that kind of all giving love. as such i only saw the one voice...which could be more my problem than the poets.

---

and the poem did work for me which is always good.

[rowens]

I would't mind having an antique typewriter but they're hard to come by nowadays and expensive.

Mine's from the '40s; the ink ribbons might be an endangered species.

Another thing my last reply made me think about is that all the times in the past I wrote "Cut and paste" I meant "Copy and paste". Now I have to fix a few things elsewhere.

[Arriedo]

I would't mind having an antique typewriter but they're hard to come by nowadays and expensive.

Mine's from the '40s; the ink ribbons might be an endangered species.

Another thing my last reply made me think about is that all the times in the past I wrote "Cut and paste" I meant "Copy and paste". Now I have to fix a few things elsewhere.

i told her i'd buy her one but she wouldnt let me.

[rowens]

i told her i'd buy her one but she wouldnt let me.

Well, a lot of the time going around with a girl is like walking around on a chessboard where none of the pieces have set functions. You get her something she really wants, but she won't accept it from you, and leaves you feeling foolish. Or she tells you to please not buy her something, and so you don't, and then she gets mad at you for teasing her.

[Arriedo]

i told her i'd buy her one but she wouldnt let me.

Well, a lot of the time going around with a girl is like walking around on a chessboard where none of the pieces have set functions. You get her something she really wants, but she won't accept it from you, and leaves you feeling foolish. Or she tells you to please not buy her something, and so you don't, and then she gets mad at you for teasing her.

you would think but this one will get mad if you ninja pay for dinner....