Love Poem No. 01

[shemthepenman]

You get inside the hole
and make a hole inside
where a hole does no good;
fit a space in my lungs, so’s I can’t breathe;
hollow out my eyes, so’s I can’t see;
wring out my veins, empty my stomach,
take out my bones one by one
and jettison my organs, heart, liver and spleen.

Your anorexic dimensions stick into my memory,
fidgeting through my mettle and blood.
You squat over me at the curve I drink on,
the bend I think along,
spread thin over time spread thinner.

And you get inside the hole
and make a hole inside
where a hole does no good.
You scuttle across my sucked dry skin,
paint over my ears,
fill in my nose
then take me apart limb by limb…

[Leanne]

I don't do praise... but this is extraordinary! Writers of cliched emotional poems must take note -- no hackneyed phrase lives here, but I'm pretty sure I know exactly how this feels. The repetition is excellent but it's the second stanza that really gets me, especially the final three lines.

[shemthepenman]

I don't do compliments... so we're in the same upturned boat. but thanks, i only think that the first is 8 lines and the last 7... it bothers me... i want to stick something in the last part to balance it... what do you think?

[Leanne]

Balance is good -- but then, less is more if we're throwing around truisms

You could use what you've got and rejig your line breaks. "limb by limb" would work just fine on its own, for example.

[shemthepenman]

i mean the first stanza is 8 lines and the last is 7 lines, it looks uneven to me...

[Leanne]

or, to really highlight that feeling of downward spiral, you could try just breaking on "by" and have the last limb on its own, without the ellipsis because that wouldn't be needed then.

[shemthepenman]

oh... :) you are a fucking genius:) yes... limb by limb would work alone. cheers!!!

---

(sorry, i have limited internet access, so it like a grab and dash when it comes to comments - but honestly, you have added so much with these few suggestions I feel that any edit should be termed a collaboration:)

[Leanne]

Hell no, take it and run! Line breaks are sadly under-utilised by a lot of people -- I'm just doing my part to raise awareness, kind of like a poetry World Vision

[serge gurkski]

Your anorexic dimensions stick into my memory,
fidgeting through my mettle and blood.
You squat over me at the curve I drink on,
the bend I think along,
spread thin over time spread thinner.

Looks like stanza 2 to me.

Pardon me for being selective. I am impressed by these lines. Could well be a stand-alone.

Just not sure about "spread thin" or thinly?

Catchy title (love potion number 9 ;-) ). Immediate association here. You intended that?

cheers

Serge

[shemthepenman]

I didn't intend that, damn! I am usually good with the ol' references and such. haven't even seen it there are at least 12 other poems entitled 'love poem' so i thought i would number them.

[serge gurkski]

you should just have said yes. ;-)))

[billy]

what a heap of shite



my poetry is compared to yours

the extended hole metaphor is perfect to the naked eye. even, uneven, who cares/ it works

if you that bothered move limb by limb down,

is the last line a cliche; not that it matters it does no harm to the poem and rounds it off nicely. it's good
to see a poem of this sort without the usual loveliness

[shemthepenman]

cheers. And a ps. i want to comment on your stuff (billy) but it i don't think 'i love it' really goes with the rules of the forum. but, as i have a moment, your 'sticky' poem really is excellent. Even inspired me... and as only joyce and dylan (both thomas and bob) seem to inspire me me, you're one of the few... so cheers

[billy]

i see you slept on the blarney stone a few times then "D

[shemthepenman]

yep... anyhow, everyone's spent far too long on this. back to some critiqueing...