Untitled

[YEG]

Hi everyone, here's the first poem I've posted or even shared with anyone at all. I'm excited to hear what y'all have to say

Just a couple notes before I post it:
- I'm not interested in rhyme at this moment in time, so far everything I've written has been freestyle
- I am also uninterested in titles at this moment. They seem too official and important-making for how I see my writing.
- I am writing with the potential thought of turning my poems into songs at some point.

Thus!
-------

We were in Cape Breton on a hill, near a house with two parts.
We were in Edmonton, journeying to the cathedral of my childhood dreams.
Neither a real place.
And the assignment was to walk.

Every time I see you after an absence this happens, and I hate it.
We were on the same page - both conflicted and unsure what to do.
But just to aire our thoughts and feelings was a release.
But then I wake up, and can't fall back asleep.
And it's made things worse now instead of better.
And I have to try and quash my longing, yet again.

-----

Thanks guys

[rowens]

We were in Cape Breton on a hill, near a house with two parts.
We were in Edmonton, journeying to the cathedral of my childhood dreams.
Neither a real place.
And the assignment was to walk.

Every time I see you after an absence this happens, and I hate it.
We were on the same page - both conflicted and unsure what to do.
But just to aire our thoughts and feelings was a release.
But then I wake up, and can't fall back asleep.
And it's made things worse now instead of better.
And I have to try and quash my longing, yet again.


Except for wondering if "aire" is correct or if you made a typo, it's directly a decent thing. Is that good? Well, I like it. A lot of one line sentences; but not bad. Post another one.

[YEG]

I put "aire" in there on purpose, "air" somehow felt a bit too... unimportant? Easily passed over? Cliche-ish? I like the antiquated use, I think. I'm glad you like it! Did you mean, 'a lot of one line sentences and in spite of this, it's not bad', or 'a lot of one line sentences, but this isn't a bad thing here'? Thanks very much!

[rowens]

It's very simple and direct. One sentence/line then another. Not a lot of fancy tricks or poetic devices going on. But the content and the simplistic form seems charming to me. So I was curious if your other poems have any more "complicated" forms and devices. I like this, so I have no negative critique, or really constructive critique. It just appeals to me.

[YEG]

That's cool. Fair! I would love to post more but I haven't posted any critique myself yet and am aware of the 'give one, get one' deal here. After I have some time to do that I will post some more! I think most of my work is pretty simple. Sometimes more imagery I think, but generally I don't think I'm inclined to be flowery. But, just starting out, so who am I to say! I'm glad you like it, that's pretty cool. It's basically unedited work too, so that's even more cool to me.

[rowens]

That's fine with me. It's good to read raw stuff sometimes. And simple can be great. But you can always experiment, too.

[earlymorningnoises]

Im a big fan of direct language in poetry. Using subtle wordplay makes the whole thing flash without gumming up the message. I think you've got a good thing here. I will be sure to read more of your stuff.