If Only

[anirudhb]

First Revision
If only this little white flower could spread its shawl-
Had its roots held this splitting world one,
Just so that little raylet of sun's hope could fall
And this little white bud its shyness shun;
Just so that small child could turn and smile
If only then would we notice a while.
If only the wind was all the sound,
If only the rains, not abuse, hit my ground-
If only then is speech futile-
For a thousand songs may be sung,
And to pen more words might be done-
But words will fail that innocent smile.
If only that one little child, young lad
Held up his hand and pointed, glad-
If there could this raylet shun denial,
Just so humanity in all its might
Could shun victory with none to delight,
If only there this little bud stood trial.

Original
If only this little white flower could spread its shawl-
Had its roots held this splitting world one,
Just so that little raylet of sunlight's hope could fall
And this little white bud its shyness shun;
Just so that small child could turn and smile
If only then would we notice a while.
If only was the wind the sole sound,
If only the rains, not abuse, hit mine ground-
If only then is speech futile-
For a thousand songs may be sung,
And to pen more words might be done-
But words shalt fail that innocent smile.
If only that one little child, young lad
Held up his hand and pointed glad-
If there could this raylet shun denial,
Just so humanity in all its might
Could revile victory with none to delight,
If only there this little bud stood trial.

[Leanne]

This is really pretty

I'm not sure what you mean to say in L2 but it's a little confused. In L3 you might consider just "sun" instead of "sunlight", because I like "raylet" but at the moment the line reads a bit awkwardly.

Just be careful with some of your syntax. There's no need to make your grammar all convoluted because in most cases your rhymes will work fine anyway. For example "If only was the wind the sole sound" works perfectly well as "If only the wind was the sole sound". And there's really no need for archaisms like "shalt" -- "shall" will do.

There's much to like about what you're saying, just a bit of tidying up to do to bring it out more clearly.

[hobbit86]

Really interesting poem...I'm guessing in L2 you mean the flower hold this world together by its roots? Hoping that something so beautiful and natural could hold this world together that we are destroying?

I do find a bit of the wording OTT, just makes it too complicated to read...you can still have clever imagery and meaning with a more simple tone to it.

Beautiful poem...just needs a bit of work with the language and words.

[anirudhb]

Thank you for the responses I've changed it a bit and updated. Do check it out