Where I lay my Head. Edit 3a. billy

[tectak]

In this room, I lay with loves well met;
storing away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret,
to dash my dreams of holding on to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
Another slips across those recalled frames
and strange, I taste the sweetness of her tears.

Who was it shared a long and snow-deep night?
Who sat upon this discrete bed and cried?
I watched her, naked, rise in candle light;
then dressing slowly, leave without her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name she kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to the skies;
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!
Why do old recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Is this my dream...or are you dreaming, too?

Tectak
Jan 2013

[billy]

it feels tighter.
reads as a more solid poem with the changes you've made,
in the 1st verse and that 1st line reads better in the 3rd.
good edit.

In this room, I lay with loves well met;
storing away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret,
to dash my dreams of holding on to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
Another slips across those recalled frames
and strange, I taste the sweetness of her tears.

Who was it shared a long and snow-deep night?
Who sat upon this discrete bed and cried?
I watched her, naked, rise in candle light;
then dress so slowly, leaving off her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name she kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to the skies;
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!
Why do old recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Is this my dream...or are you dreaming, too?

Tectak
Jan 2013

[tectak]

it feels tighter.
reads as a more solid poem with the changes you've made,
in the 1st verse and that 1st line reads better in the 3rd.
good edit.

In this room, I lay with loves well met;
storing away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret,
to dash my dreams of holding on to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
Another slips across those recalled frames
and strange, I taste the sweetness of her tears.

Who was it shared a long and snow-deep night?
Who sat upon this discrete bed and cried?
I watched her, naked, rise in candle light;
then dress so slowly, leaving off her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name she kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to the skies;
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!
Why do old recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Is this my dream...or are you dreaming, too?

Tectak
Jan 2013

Down to you billy, down to you.
Best
tectak