Whats Perfection

[TheCoach757]

a poem i wrote

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hi Coach757. I've not listened to many spoken word poems, though this does have some elements of a rap to me; reminds me of Mos Def a bit. Could you post the words to go along with this (others mightn't need it, but it always helps for me)?

Some random thoughts. Like "Imperfection but perfect in reverse; that's indirection". Don't like "media's lies commit deception", not for its truth value (which I'm not in position to comment) but more because it sounds overused. Like "inspirations have limitation", but think that rhyming "equations" with "face it" sounds forced. Bit torn on the ending; good message, but would prefer it phrased in less general terms- people say no one's perfect all the time. You need to talk about a more specific situation to make it stand out to the listener...if that makes sense.

Anyway, thanks for the post, enjoyed listening
Gary

[Todd]

Hi Coach,

Welcome to the site! Generally videos don't work well in the critique forums, because there's not much to critique. We mostly need the text. As it stands, I'm going to move this to a forum more in keeping with videos, and encourage you to bring the text back to us in an appropriate forum.

Nice to have you here.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

a poem i wrote

Instinctively I should be drawn to "spoken" poetry but generally the contemporary choice for the aspiring (young) poets (mothers used to believe tht ballet dancing or violin playing is where their daughters would excel!) is the boring and passe "rap".
By definition (....ion) rap reaches no conclusions (.....ions). The simplicity of form avoids the need to prove that there is any "poetic" depth to the worlk. So yes, write it down, punctuate it, show that you can write poetry.
If and owld git (child of the sixties) lile me can offer up ANY advice on this faded form of phonetics it would be this. Avoid ANY words which end in ...ion. That eliminates every word in the english language of French origin (in fact, I cannot think of a word that ends in "ion" that is not the same in French and English) and because there are so many of them means you will have to work for your rhymes.
I did not really take to the form and so am biassed.....but if someone puts the time in to this kind of stuff then I say follow the art. Just write something for me of distinction, worthy of mention, gets my attention....somebody shoot me!
Best,
tectak

[TheCoach757]

I am more into spoken word than poetry itself. I feel as though words shoud not have to be chained to pages so I think I will put sometime into finding a forum that better suits my needs. I really do appreciate the feedback though, and it will be noted.

[Todd]

Best of luck to you.

[TheCoach757]

thanks

[Voker101]

I found your poem to be pretty good. Some of the "tion" parts got a little repetitive and seemed too easy but the (slant)rhyme scheme was set up nicely.