School Shooting

[Essuie]

So civil yet so demented
sat down with no worries
no idea of what may come
convinced with safety
unrest with pettiness
eagerly awaiting the day to begin
no comprehension of what will come

[justcloudy]

Hi Essuie
very topical subject. hits home. well done approaching it.
the end is the strongest part for me, but the beginning lost me a bit. by the end I realized you were talking about the kids, but the first line isn't the kids, right? maybe you could develop it into two stanzas. one focusing on the topic raised in the first line, and the other being what you have, slightly reworked.
also, "unrest with pettiness" doesn't work too well for me. maybe just "petty unrest" would work better.

[Essuie]

Hi Essuie
very topical subject. hits home. well done approaching it.
the end is the strongest part for me, but the beginning lost me a bit. by the end I realized you were talking about the kids, but the first line isn't the kids, right? maybe you could develop it into two stanzas. one focusing on the topic raised in the first line, and the other being what you have, slightly reworked.
also, "unrest with pettiness" doesn't work too well for me. maybe just "petty unrest" would work better.

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it. I agree, I need to fix my wording a bit.