Post, derivative

[Freezy]

A nation of late bloomers - black
periphery upon their heads
paved the incision of their Achilles’ heel,
on principles alone: their country
takes no prisoners, so let them be
left to their own devices -
‘til the ghost is clear.

I can’t see anybody
as being dear to me.
I am just an inhabitant here,
and not a servant
to fervent musings
or demons -
so as long as I am alive
or kept in line
by a guardian light that has no sense
of premonition.

Warnings go from poetry to prose,
and the stargazers seek for the dominion
of the scattered descendants;

the terrestrial outlet, to a certain degree.

Their favours are now gone;
it’s too late to read between the lines:
Oh God!

A nation of immobility - bewildered
but kept abased by their own shadow:
it will kill them with time.
The custom has not changed;
the shrines remain colour-coordinated,
unlike the people:
black periphery upon their heads
no matter what they do!

[neb123]

There is something captivating about this poem although I don't understand it necessarily (interpreting poetry and reading critically are things I'm still working on).

In this poem, I like the shift in voice. In the first stanza, I feel like I'm listening in on a private conversation. Then the second stanza is the subject of that conversation. Then the rest of the poem is third person explaining the consequences of the actions of the past speakers.

I also like the break in the lines with the idea "black periphery". In the first stanza, you isolate black perhaps to signify the black population. Then in the last stanza you write black periphery together, which reminds me more of a cultural shadow than of race. Or perhaps it's all coincidence ...I also like the imagery in this poem. Some parts reminded me of many stars cast against the backdrop of a black sky.

I feel like this poem is about black progress and always being in the shadow of slavery even though it's over.

[justcloudy]

hi Freezy,

really enjoyed this poem, thanks for sharing. I got the same thing as Neb as far as the subject goes, hope that's what you were going for.

just a few comments:

"paved the incision of their Achilles’ heel,
on principles alone: their country"
I see what you're trying to do here but I'm having a hard time with it. the image isn't quite clear, but it's a great idea, try rewording it

"‘til the ghost is clear." --> lovelovelove this, and the second stanza is haunting and beautiful as well.

you have a few big ideas in this piece, for ex
"A nation of immobility - bewildered
but kept abased by their own shadow"
and I love that, but sometimes it's really unclear what you're going for. the feel is right but the reader is left with a few too many connections to make.

sorry if my comments are scattered. overall it's lovely, and with a bit of work it could be really great. =]