Brass Bold

[billy]

Casually she rubs under her breast,
then lights a bong with the lighter
she stole from the handicap charity shop,
where she use to work part time.

Plump like a calf
her tits loll across her upper arm.
Eyes wide, she squeezes smoke deep
into cavernous lungs.

I kiss the small of her back
just above crease of a Ruben's arse.
My thumbs rest in the dimples
at the base of her padded spine.

"fuck off you dirty old bugger,"

she snorts like a pig hunting truffles.
Tells me to leave the money
next to the enamel basin on the wash stand.
I think about leaving a tip.

She wasn't worth it.

[Bloggsworth]

I really like the core of this poem, but, if I may be so bold:


Casually she rubs under her breast,
lights her bong with a lighter
stolen from the charity shop,
where she use to work part time.

Plump like a calf's,
her tits loll across her upper arm.
Eyes wide, she draws smoke deep
into cavernous lungs.

I kiss the small of her back
just above crease of her Rubenesque arse,
rest my thumbs in the dimples
at the base of her padded spine.

"fuck off you dirty old bugger"

she snorts, like a pig hunting truffles,
tells me to leave the money
next to the enamel basin.
I think about leaving a tip...

Decide she wasn't worth it.


Please feel free to ignore everything I have done...

[billy]

Thanks for the feedback bloggs, will consider them when i do an edit

[Todd]

You have the most fun irreverent writes. Here are some comments:

Casually she rubs under her breast,--I'm not sure about words like casually. Is there a way you can build the action that shows that it's a casual thing without the adverb.
then lights a bong with the lighter--maybe "that lighter"
she stole from the handicap charity shop,
where she use to work part time.--used

Plump like a calf
her tits loll across her upper arm.--love this progression
Eyes wide, she squeezes smoke deep--This is a great line
into cavernous lungs.--again this works, I'm just not sure that you don't have better options than the adjective...exhaling like a pipe organ (and than noting the noises she makes) or like a bellows (and than play with the fire and smoke imagery). Like I said, it works I just wonder if you're selling the set up short. If that makes sense

I kiss the small of her back
just above crease of a Ruben's arse.--Creative phrasing here. I like this.
My thumbs rest in the dimples
at the base of her padded spine.

"fuck off you dirty old bugger,"

she snorts like a pig hunting truffles.
Tells me to leave the money
next to the enamel basin on the wash stand.
I think about leaving a tip.

She wasn't worth it.--I'd be tempted to make this your title and end on the tip line

Enjoyed the read Billy. I hope some of that helps, ignore what doesn't.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

I really like the core of this poem, but, if I may be so bold:


Casually she rubs under her breast,
lights her bong with a lighter
stolen from the charity shop,
where she use to work part time.

Plump like a calf's,A calf's what??
her tits loll across her upper arm.
Eyes wide, she draws smoke deep
into cavernous lungs.

I kiss the small of her back
just above crease of her Rubenesque arse,"...the crease of a Ruben's arse, surely?
rest my thumbs in the dimples
at the base of her padded spine.

"fuck off you dirty old bugger"

she snorts, like a pig hunting truffles,
tells me to leave the money
next to the enamel basin.
I think about leaving a tip...

Decide she wasn't worth it.


Please feel free to ignore everything I have done...

Ah....got it....this is billy's poem. On the tablet. Did not see original.
Best,
tectak

[Bloggsworth]

As far as I am aware, Rubens never painted a picture of his own arse, but he was rather partial to painting generously proportioned women, hence the Rubenesque "in the manner of Rubens..."

[tectak]

As far as I am aware, Rubens never painted a picture of his own arse, but he was rather partial to painting generously proportioned women, hence the Rubenesque "in the manner of Rubens..."

Another myth busted....I always thought that all Ruben's arses were self-portraits which is why, at a glance, you can see they were laterally inverted...
Bugger.
Best,
tectak

[shemthepenman]

Hello, first off this is seriously depressing. But after that a good read, I really like it. I was initially concerned with the word ‘tits’ but grew to like it. and, I have moaned about swearing before, but ‘fuck off!’ is precisely the kind of thing I really like – but would have liked an exclamation mark at the end instead of a comma.
‘I kiss the small of her back…’ anywhere but ‘the small’ of someone’s back!
and ‘used to work…’

---

ps. I love the way Ruben's arses follow you around the room [yeah yeah stolen joke but still]

[zxcv6789]

Brass Bold


Casually she rubs under her breast,
then lights a bong with the lighter
she stole from the handicap charity shop,
where she use to work part time. <"USED" to work>

Plump like a calf
her tits loll across her upper arm.
Eyes wide, she squeezes smoke deep
into cavernous lungs.

I kiss the small of her back
just above crease of a Ruben's arse.
My thumbs rest in the dimples
at the base of her padded spine.

"fuck off you dirty old bugger,"

she snorts like a pig hunting truffles.
Tells me to leave the money
next to the enamel basin on the wash stand.
I think about leaving a tip.

She wasn't worth it. < I agree with TODD here. It would be great if this were the title of the piece, and you ended with I think about leaving a tip.>

Overall, I really enjoyed the read!

[Keith]

Casually she rubs under her breast, great opening image
then lights a bong with the lighter could use stokes rather than lights
she stole from the handicap charity shop,
where she use to work part time.nice touch

Plump like a calf
her tits loll across her upper arm.
Eyes wide, she squeezes smoke deep another good image
into cavernous lungs. Not sure about this line

I kiss the small of her back
just above crease of a Ruben's arse.
My thumbs rest in the dimples
at the base of her padded spine. you kid us that you care

"fuck off you dirty old bugger," then smash the illusion great stuff

she snorts like a pig hunting truffles.
Tells me to leave the money
next to the enamel basin on the wash stand. I enjoyed the scene
I think about leaving a tip.

She wasn't worth it. On Point

Great write Billy very much enjoyed the vouyeristic view point, standing in the room and feeling tacky with the dirty old bugger. K

[Wildcard]

Hi Billy,

This is great I love the way that I am lead slowly into an understanding of what exactly is going on and that it wraps up really nice and tidy-- meaning that about the time it sank into what was happening exactly, the poem was closing and left me with much to think about.

Casually she rubs under her breast,
then lights a bong with the lighter --I don't particular like 'lights' and 'lighter' so close together. Perhaps an alternative form of 'lights' would be better?
she stole from the handicap charity shop, --is 'that' needed here?
where she use to work part time.

Plump like a calf
her tits loll across her upper arm. --I don't really care for these two lines. The next two are nice, but these seem forced. Plump like a calf just seems weak to me
Eyes wide, she squeezes smoke deep --The best part so far to me. 'Eyes wide' gives me the feeling that she is only happy when she is getting high-- or perhaps she is trying really hard to be happy by using the weed, but maybe it doesn't work really
into cavernous lungs.

I kiss the small of her back
just above crease of a Ruben's arse.
My thumbs rest in the dimples
at the base of her padded spine.

"fuck off you dirty old bugger," -- Great way of letting it be known without telling.

she snorts like a pig hunting truffles. -- So vivid-- this is perfect!
Tells me to leave the money
next to the enamel basin on the wash stand. --can't say why but 'enamel basin' makes that room so much more real to me. I even see a particular beige-colored basin like the type used in the low-rent motels
I think about leaving a tip.

She wasn't worth it.

I think the closing line could be a little stronger-- maybe even funnier would be nice. Like

'I think about leaving a tip,

but steal some weed instead.'

Not that particularly but some kind of turn-- earlier the speaker was kissing the small of her back which indicates being really into her and now she wasn't worth it? Is that intended to make the speaker look selfish? Or just a slight against the hooker?

Anyway, I like this. Best I've seen from you in a while.

Thanks for sharing.

[serge gurkski]

Building upon the other critiques here:
I agree with all of Todd's comments except for the last one (re: title. Will explain below). I am in the unknown as to Tom's arse point: Is not rubenesque referring to voluptuous female arses correct?
I like Mark's suggestion towards a stronger closing line (exactly as he phrased it ,-) That would have been (fictional of course!) me!yes! ;-))))

As to the title: I don't want you to give away : Brass bold (with the Brass Gold allusion).
Maybe use both:
title: Brass Bold
subtitle: She wasn't worth it!

This is just the kind of dirty and sick poetry I dig most.
cheers
mad gurk

[billy]

thanks for all the feedback, i will do an edit later today though i can't promise to using all your valued suggestions.

i agree that cavernous lungs is weak.
casually is weak though i'm not sure how i'll sort that out without just ditching it as has been suggested.
i may combine the title and last line.
will also look at the plump calf line.
and light/lighters thing.

[serge gurkski]

just for billy: give it a minute lol :

http://youtu.be/tABkwzzLMeI