atomic tangerine

[brimarie]

can you hear her crying?
the sound of a lonely soul
shackled by the chain
of the world's words
wanting to be free
in a world asking
too much
of her

and cosmos pour
its silver & stars
held together in
the moon-kissed sky
as the sky holds
the raging sea
all held in
small hands

can you hear her crying?
the sound of an empty soul
she cries much more
softly, these days, i'm afraid
holding onto the lost
hopes of freedom
in a world asking
too much
of her

how sad it is
even the most beautiful souls
have to leave us
how sad it is
even the angels will die

--

atomic tangerine
& it hits me
like a lightning storm
in the month of july
on bittersweet mars
never any umbrellas
to hide me
from the most blinding
of days
while trying to take
pictures with emptiest
of polaroid film

atomic tangerine
& it leaves me
with chemical-stained
polaroid photos
now in august
on tangelo mars
no one to snap
with this old film
just left
obsolete smiles
tenné stains
and a boy
who never was

& it hits me
like your
atomic tangerine
what an empty
big blue marble
we all live in

we are all
lonely people
aren't we?

[Todd]

Hi brimarie, welcome to the site! Before I get started on your critique, some housekeeping:

We require that a poster critique a poem first before posting in mild or serious. I'll move your poem to another forum. Once you've provided a critique just ask a mod and we'll move the poem back for you.

Comments for your poem below:

First these seem like two separate poems to me. If they are meant to be one poem, I'm in favor of separating them. You've got some good concepts and ideas in part one, but I'm going to confine my comments to part two.

can you hear her crying?
the sound of a lonely soul
shackled by the chain
of the world's words
wanting to be free
in a world asking
too much
of her

and cosmos pour
its silver & stars
held together in
the moon-kissed sky
as the sky holds
the raging sea
all held in
small hands

can you hear her crying?
the sound of an empty soul
she cries much more
softly, these days, i'm afraid
holding onto the lost
hopes of freedom
in a world asking
too much
of her

how sad it is
even the most beautiful souls
have to leave us
how sad it is
even the angels will die

--

atomic tangerine
& it hits me----99% of the time I hate ampersands, with your title and word choices this is the 1%
like a lightning storm
in the month of july
on bittersweet mars
never any umbrellas
to hide me
from the most blinding
of days
while trying to take
pictures with emptiest--maybe a the before emptiest
of polaroid film

atomic tangerine
& it leaves me
with chemical-stained
polaroid photos
now in august
on tangelo mars
no one to snap
with this old film
just left
obsolete smiles
tenné stains--great word choice with tenné
and a boy
who never was

& it hits me
like your
atomic tangerine
what an empty
big blue marble
we all live in--technically on

we are all
lonely people--might be stronger to end here than on the question
aren't we?

I loved your word choices throughout. Original, exciting read.

Best,

Todd