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When He created you
He thought of creating a mirror to your soul
and then He created your eyes;
twin little stars, so deep yet so bright
His own cherubic angels in disguise.
He thought of creating a seeker of the truth
and then He created your mind;
intelligent and savvy, reasoning and seeking
unshrouded with doubts of any kind.
He thought of creating something to admire
and then He created your smile;
straight from the heart, reaching the eyes
makes one forget just anything vile.
He thought of creating His own abode
and then He created your heart;
empathetic, benign, lovable and humble
chef-d'oeuvre melodie of The Mozart.
He thought of creating a companion for you
and that’s when He created me;
kindred yet different in umpteen spheres
to compliment and complement thee.
~Neena
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(03-21-2013, 06:53 PM)neena2504 Wrote: When He created you
He thought of creating a mirror to your soul mirrors reflect what's outward from them, so how can they reflect his soul? Maybe 'to' could be 'of', and so his soul is his eyes, as a mirror on the person gazing into them? (as a conscious mirror, they wouldn't reflect the gazer perfectly, but rather in a biased way - so, some people love to look him in the eye, while others are afraid to, because he loves some and detests others) Or try something other than mirror? But not window. Just, no! 
and then He created your eyes;
twin little stars, so deep yet so bright
His own cherubic angels in disguise.
He thought of creating a seeker of the truth
and then He created your mind; Maybe 'and then' could be 'when', (in all stanzas but the last) which would better temporally/casually connect the thought and the thing created.
intelligent and savvy, reasoning and seeking
unshrouded with doubts of any kind.
He thought of creating something to admire
and then He created your smile;
straight from the heart, reaching the eyes
makes one forget just anything vile.
He thought of creating His own abode
and then He created your heart;
empathetic, benign, lovable and humble
chef-d'oeuvre melodie of The Mozart.
He thought of creating a companion for you
and that’s when He created me;
kindred yet different in umpteen spheres
to compliment and complement thee.
Also, the first line of each stanza should have a comma at the end.
I like the sentiment in your poem and think it's pretty well executed. It sure would be nice to be adored as the speaker adores the poems subject. 
Mikey.
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Hi Mikey,
Thank you so much for your response and encouragement. Yes I guess you are right about the technicality of the first line, will surely come up with an edit. I am trying my best to comment on others' poems at least after I post one of mine.
Thanks once again
~Neena
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I think that the poem had a great concept and was well executed. Good flow, and interesting choices of words. I liked it a lot
Posts: 62
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Thank you so much
~Neena
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Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
eyes being the mirros of the soul is cliche. while such phrases read well enough they don't feel original, (like they're your words)
instead of mirror use another word or phrase (not reflection, or windows )
try to keep it real, do you know anyone unshrouded with doubts, say it as it is,
we're all shrouded with doubt, even those who believe god, doubt he exists at times. (doubting thomas, was given empirical proof by god himself after the ressurection )
if possible stick to what seems to be someone's truth. we were not cherubs or angels in disguise. we we're his children made in his image.
the love poem lacks the feeling of love till the last verse if it's about love make it about love, if it's about creation make it about creation.
words like heart and love should be used sparingly or else they overpower a poem. look out for repetition that doesn't work.
sorry for giving a large piece of feedback in novice.
you have a starting point for a poem, just be brave on the edit and see what you can do
(03-21-2013, 06:53 PM)neena2504 Wrote: When He created you
He thought of creating a mirror to your soul
and then He created your eyes;
twin little stars, so deep yet so bright
His own cherubic angels in disguise.
He thought of creating a seeker of the truth
and then He created your mind;
intelligent and savvy, reasoning and seeking
unshrouded with doubts of any kind.
He thought of creating something to admire
and then He created your smile;
straight from the heart, reaching the eyes
makes one forget just anything vile.
He thought of creating His own abode
and then He created your heart;
empathetic, benign, lovable and humble
chef-d'oeuvre melodie of The Mozart.
He thought of creating a companion for you
and that’s when He created me;
kindred yet different in umpteen spheres
to compliment and complement thee.
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Threads: 8
Joined: Mar 2013
I liked most of it. Especially the way it ended with the author being the companion, but do we really need "compliment" twice in the last line?
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(03-31-2013, 01:49 PM)trueenigma Wrote: I liked most of it. Especially the way it ended with the author being the companion, but do we really need "compliment" twice in the last line?
Thank you so much trueenigma, I am glad you liked it
As for the repetition, it is not actually repetition but two distinct words 'compliment' and 'complement'.
(03-31-2013, 10:08 AM)billy Wrote: eyes being the mirros of the soul is cliche. while such phrases read well enough they don't feel original, (like they're your words)
instead of mirror use another word or phrase (not reflection, or windows )
try to keep it real, do you know anyone unshrouded with doubts, say it as it is,
we're all shrouded with doubt, even those who believe god, doubt he exists at times. (doubting thomas, was given empirical proof by god himself after the ressurection )
if possible stick to what seems to be someone's truth. we were not cherubs or angels in disguise. we we're his children made in his image.
the love poem lacks the feeling of love till the last verse if it's about love make it about love, if it's about creation make it about creation.
words like heart and love should be used sparingly or else they overpower a poem. look out for repetition that doesn't work.
sorry for giving a large piece of feedback in novice.
you have a starting point for a poem, just be brave on the edit and see what you can do
(03-21-2013, 06:53 PM)neena2504 Wrote: When He created you
He thought of creating a mirror to your soul
and then He created your eyes;
twin little stars, so deep yet so bright
His own cherubic angels in disguise.
He thought of creating a seeker of the truth
and then He created your mind;
intelligent and savvy, reasoning and seeking
unshrouded with doubts of any kind.
He thought of creating something to admire
and then He created your smile;
straight from the heart, reaching the eyes
makes one forget just anything vile.
He thought of creating His own abode
and then He created your heart;
empathetic, benign, lovable and humble
chef-d'oeuvre melodie of The Mozart.
He thought of creating a companion for you
and that’s when He created me;
kindred yet different in umpteen spheres
to compliment and complement thee.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read the poem and provide all this wonderful knowledge which I never had before.
I feel if I try editing this one then it is going to be a completely new one as I realize now that the love is indeed missing till the last line (a great observation by you).
I will definitely try to incorporate the things I learned here in my forthcoming edits/works.
Thank you once again.
~Neena
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