Are You Not Great?

[C.M.C.]

I don’t really care if you think I’m not great.
I’m at least enough to win all your hate.
You’re spewing out words on deaf ears my friend.
Did you think I was someone you could offend?

I have your attention, positive or not.
I do not think this is the ending you sought.
It appears that you care, more often than not,
that I am not someone who hangs on your thought

Sticks and stones often break my bones.
I don’t intend on a cliche.
But my steel sword of a heart is honed.
I find myself empowered not grave.

So am I really not great?
Or do you just disagree,
dislike the views that you see?
Who knows? You could be a friend to be.
Because this hate does not get to me.

Remember these words.
It’s what you deserve.
Keep my advice in your mind.

Don’t care about hate.
It justs makes you great,
when you let it all be fine.


Revision
I find it fun being not great.
Seeing your face turn red with hate.
You need to simma' down, my friend.
Then you can try to offend.

You had me in between the lines.
You had me structured into rhymes.
But like a child, I broke away.
Like the reader, I found it cliche.

I’m now heard, positive or not.
This is not the ending you sought.
And you care, more often than not,
That I don’t hang on the weak thoughts

Sticks and stones have broken my bones.
And so have overused cliches
My sword of a heart has been honed.
You see I’m not enraged but gay.

Remember these words.
It’s what you deserve.
Keep my advice in your mind.

Don’t care about hate.
It justs makes you great,
when you let it all be fine.

Another Version
I don’t care if I’m not great.
I’m who you express as hate.
Now you’re a fool like me, my friend.
Did you think you could offend?

Coming out from the ground,
spewing rumors like tar.
“Lies, lies, lies!” I now shout,
since you went way too far.

Lies, lies lies!
shakes my bones
makes me cry.

Lies, lies, oh such terrible lies!
I know how I will fix this.
I will make all your thoughts fry.

You had me colored between lines.
You had me structured into rhymes.
Shame, we could just both be happy.
But now we must be enemies.

Now like a child, I break away.
Like a good critic, I found it cliche.
I’m going down? Oh, you will see
ropes ‘round your foot. Now go with me.

Sticks and stones have broken my bones,
and so have overused cliches.
My sword of a heart is honed.
I push, push, push your lies away.

Remember
you deserve.
my advice

Just don’t care
It just makes
you be fine.

[milo]

ok, well this is in serious. As a whole, this doesn't really offer much. The sentence structure and syntax are tortured, it teeters drunkenly between hints of meter and rhyme and handles its rhetoric as hamfistedly as possible. Perhaps you are connected to the subject matter? Try switching to third person.

I don’t really care if you think I’m not great. Inefficient/awkward
I’m at least enough to win all your hate. again
You’re spewing out words on deaf ears my friend. again with an added cliche
Did you think I was someone you could offend? This line seems to be your central line. It is actually not terrible but you may as well make it full anapestic tetrameter (Did you think I was someone that you could offend). The only problem is, of course everyone is laughing at you because you are speaking in anapests and earlier I thought you were serious.


I have your attention, positive or not. back to wordiness and you abandoned the cheeky meter.
I do not think this is the ending you sought. and again, plus you are torturing your structure for rhyme which doesn't make sense since there is no consistency to the rhyming.
It appears that you care, more often than not, and again
that I am not someone who hangs on your thought "hangs out on your thought" is the worst poetic construction I have read in weeks

Sticks and stones often break my bones. cliche
I don’t intend on a cliche. don't /say/ it, show it.
But my steel sword of a heart is honed. remember when I said that other line was the worst poetic construction? now this line is..
I find myself empowered not grave. gravity and empowerment are not antonyms as an aside

So am I really not great? I am writing the comment for this whole stanza - it is boring rhetoric, the rhymes are all forced and painful and metrically it is making teh baby Jesus cry.
Or do you just disagree,
dislike the views that you see?
Who knows? You could be a friend to be.
Because this hate does not get to me.

Remember these words.
It’s what you deserve.
Keep my advice in your mind.

Don’t care about hate.
It just makes you great,
when you let it all be fine.

It is challenging to snip through this one properly because you offer so little substance, but I suppose:

I don’t care I’m not great.
I’m all your hate.
spewing out deaf my friend.
Did you think I was someone that you could offend?

your attention
I do not think the ending
appears more often
that I am not someone who hangs
stones break bones.
I don’t intend
my steel sword is honed.
I find my grave.

So am I

the views that you see?
You could be a friend.


Remember
you deserve.
my advice

care
It just makes
you be fine.

So I would say you might want to move this one to novice or gentle.

I don't care I'm not great I'm not someone who hangs
did you think you had found a new friend?
I've got sticks. I've got stones and recalcitrant bangs
I don't care, I'm not great. I'm not someone who hangs
around here to care for your venomous fangs
just some dipstick for you to offend.
I don't care. I'm not great. I'm not someone who hangs.
Did you think that you found a new friend?

milo

[C.M.C.]

Wow... I'm kind of disappointed. Even more now that I realize that the poem wasn't all that good myself. Oh well. I guess that's the point of critique. Thanks for the input Milo, much obliged, friend!

---

Scratch that. I can at least try to improve! Uploaded revised version!

[billy]

not straying too far off topic. hi cmc. don't let the disappointment be too great. like you said, you now realize something, it's because of that you can improve. the critic won't always be right but his pov will be just as valid in letting you know your reader sees something different than what you imply.

[C.M.C.]

Thanks billy. The ironic part is that you posted this just after I revised the poem into something better! Hope it's enjoyable this time!

[milo]

I don’t really care if you think I’m not great.
I’m at least enough to win all your hate.
You’re spewing out words on deaf ears my friend.
Did you think I was someone you could offend?

I have your attention, positive or not.
I do not think this is the ending you sought.
It appears that you care, more often than not,
that I am not someone who hangs on your thought

Sticks and stones often break my bones.
I don’t intend on a cliche.
But my steel sword of a heart is honed.
I find myself empowered not grave.

So am I really not great?
Or do you just disagree,
dislike the views that you see?
Who knows? You could be a friend to be.
Because this hate does not get to me.

Remember these words.
It’s what you deserve.
Keep my advice in your mind.

Don’t care about hate.
It justs makes you great,
when you let it all be fine.


Revision
I don’t care if I’m not that great.
I’m at least enough to earn hate.
You’re speaking to deaf ears, my friend.
I’m not someone you can offend?

I’ve been heard, positive or not.
This is not the ending you sought.
And you care, more often than not,
That I don’t hang on the weak thoughts

Sticks and stones have broken my bones.
And so have overused cliches
My sword of a heart has been honed.
I find I'm not angry but gay.

Remember these words.
It’s what you deserve.
Keep my advice in your mind.

Don’t care about hate.
It just makes you great,
when you let it all be fine.

Yes, this is better, but you are still so caught up in what you /want/ to say.

try:

I don’t care I’m not great.
I am all that you hate.
You are spewing out deaf my friend.
Did you think I was someone that you could offend?

Your attention
I don't think
the ending appears
that I am not someone who hangs
like a picture
you mention
with all of your peers
and I am not someone who hangs.
stones break
bones intend
my steel sword is honed.
and I find my grave
so I am. So I am. So I am
the views that you see?
You could be a friend.
Remember
you deserve
my advice.

I don't care. I don't care. I don't.
Care- it just makes you
nice.

milo

[C.M.C.]

It sounds good... really good actually! I know that this is critiquing and everyone is here to help each other out. But I feel a bit off using what others wrote. Writing may be an adventure that isn't done alone, and I get that. But still I feel better with me writing the majority of my work. I mean no harm and do not want to seem rude, and would like to thank you for your advice!

[billy]

hi,

ask yourself this; what do i want to say in a poem and how do i want to say it?

do you want it to be fresh and original, if so then the route you go with this poem is the wrong route.

do you want to hammer the point of something home, make it stand out and not become tedious? if so then you have to lose most of the poem as it stands.

it sounds bad but it isn't, and the best thing is, after a while you catch and cut out most cliche and redundancy on the fly as you write.

I don’t really care if you think I’m not great. this is a first line, make it count, 'really' isn't needed. you could write the same line as; You think i'm not great? I don't care. still a weak line to start with
I’m at least enough to win all your hate. think about it, what does this line mean? what do you mean by enough, 'at least isn't needed'
You’re spewing out words on deaf ears my friend. very cliche
Did you think I was someone you could offend? this line could be said with 30% fewer words


I have your attention, positive or not. no need for 'i have'
I do not think this is the ending you sought. this isn't the ending you sought
It appears that you care, more often than not,
that I am not someone who hangs on your thought

Sticks and stones often break my bones. a cliche to end cliche
I don’t intend on a cliche. this is cliche
But my steel sword of a heart is honed. this isn't cliche but it doesn't work well

Revision
I don’t care if I’m not that great. better but still weakSo miss Prima fucking Donna, I'm not that great
I’m at least enough to earn hate. Hating me is enough
You’re speaking to deaf ears, my friend. i can't hear you banshee
I’m not someone you can offend?

So miss Prima fucking Donna
I'm not Gandhi-great.
Hating me is enough,
the badmouthing leaves
my ears unaffected. not great i know but the idea is to say something that's been said countless times in a new way. try and rework some images into each stanza. i see someone mention meter. it also can help you formulate speech patterns. good effort wit the edit. it can be a tedious process but stick to it and you'll get there.


I’ve been heard, positive or not.
This is not the ending you sought.
And you care, more often than not,
That I don’t hang on the weak thoughts

Sticks and stones have broken my bones.
And so have overused cliches
My sword of a heart has been honed.
I find I'm not angry but gay.

Remember these words.
It’s what you deserve.
Keep my advice in your mind.

Don’t care about hate.
It just makes you great,
when you let it all be fine.

[milo]

It sounds good... really good actually! I know that this is critiquing and everyone is here to help each other out. But I feel a bit off using what others wrote. Writing may be an adventure that isn't done alone, and I get that. But still I feel better with me writing the majority of my work. I mean no harm and do not want to seem rude, and would like to thank you for your advice!

If you saw what I did, I pretty much just trimmed words out of what you wrote. I was trying to show you how. Use what you wish, don't use the rest, like I said, the words were already there.

I have been writing some poems for more than ten years now and they still need work.
It is a process, don't be afraid to take out a machete.

milo

[C.M.C.]

Thank you billy. I reworded the first stanza, added a stanza!

[billy]

It sounds good... really good actually! I know that this is critiquing and everyone is here to help each other out. But I feel a bit off using what others wrote. Writing may be an adventure that isn't done alone, and I get that. But still I feel better with me writing the majority of my work. I mean no harm and do not want to seem rude, and would like to thank you for your advice!

if someone does a chop shop on your poem or even a rewrite. in general it's an example to show something. they?I aren't saying/asking you to use the words shown. we're saying, can you see the structure or image, can you do something that uses some of these aspects.

[C.M.C.]

It sounds good... really good actually! I know that this is critiquing and everyone is here to help each other out. But I feel a bit off using what others wrote. Writing may be an adventure that isn't done alone, and I get that. But still I feel better with me writing the majority of my work. I mean no harm and do not want to seem rude, and would like to thank you for your advice!

If you saw what I did, I pretty much just trimmed words out of what you wrote. I was trying to show you how. Use what you wish, don't use the rest, like I said, the words were already there.

I have been writing some poems for more than ten years now and they still need work.
It is a process, don't be afraid to take out a machete.

milo

Wow... I feel inconsiderate now. Thank you Milo!

---

ok, well this is in serious. As a whole, this doesn't really offer much. The sentence structure and syntax are tortured, it teeters drunkenly between hints of meter and rhyme and handles its rhetoric as hamfistedly as possible. Perhaps you are connected to the subject matter? Try switching to third person.

I don’t really care if you think I’m not great. Inefficient/awkward
I’m at least enough to win all your hate. again
You’re spewing out words on deaf ears my friend. again with an added cliche
Did you think I was someone you could offend? This line seems to be your central line. It is actually not terrible but you may as well make it full anapestic tetrameter (Did you think I was someone that you could offend). The only problem is, of course everyone is laughing at you because you are speaking in anapests and earlier I thought you were serious.


I have your attention, positive or not. back to wordiness and you abandoned the cheeky meter.
I do not think this is the ending you sought. and again, plus you are torturing your structure for rhyme which doesn't make sense since there is no consistency to the rhyming.
It appears that you care, more often than not, and again
that I am not someone who hangs on your thought "hangs out on your thought" is the worst poetic construction I have read in weeks

Sticks and stones often break my bones. cliche
I don’t intend on a cliche. don't /say/ it, show it.
But my steel sword of a heart is honed. remember when I said that other line was the worst poetic construction? now this line is..
I find myself empowered not grave. gravity and empowerment are not antonyms as an aside

So am I really not great? I am writing the comment for this whole stanza - it is boring rhetoric, the rhymes are all forced and painful and metrically it is making teh baby Jesus cry.
Or do you just disagree,
dislike the views that you see?
Who knows? You could be a friend to be.
Because this hate does not get to me.

Remember these words.
It’s what you deserve.
Keep my advice in your mind.

Don’t care about hate.
It just makes you great,
when you let it all be fine.

It is challenging to snip through this one properly because you offer so little substance, but I suppose:

I don’t care I’m not great.
I’m all your hate.
spewing out deaf my friend.
Did you think I was someone that you could offend?

your attention
I do not think the ending
appears more often
that I am not someone who hangs
stones break bones.
I don’t intend
my steel sword is honed.
I find my grave.

So am I

the views that you see?
You could be a friend.


Remember
you deserve.
my advice

care
It just makes
you be fine.

So I would say you might want to move this one to novice or gentle.

I don't care I'm not great I'm not someone who hangs
did you think you had found a new friend?
I've got sticks. I've got stones and recalcitrant bangs
I don't care, I'm not great. I'm not someone who hangs
around here to care for your venomous fangs
just some dipstick for you to offend.
I don't care. I'm not great. I'm not someone who hangs.
Did you think that you found a new friend?

milo

I'm kind of frustrated trying to understand the meters or if there is any. It kind of hard for me to free write with no general structure. This might not work for me, I may tinker with it in the future though.

[billy]

the more positive you are the sooner you'll see that anything and everything is something you can make work for yourself.
don't look on workshopping as an obstacle that hinders you as a poet, look on it as tool you can use to make things work for you. you given the time and willingness to learn can make anything work for you, grow a thick skin and be positive. ><><

[C.M.C.]

I messed around a bit with some of the lines. Any thoughts on it?