River

[Aphroditeny]

The river's calm infront of me
I dream of how we used to be

I glance beyond 
And think of you
When I had thought you to be true

I looked at you and saw a god
A pedestal made of my trust
Perhaps all that it was is lust

And yet my heart is missing still
I stand and stand upon this hill

I watch and watch for your return
My brain is telling me you're gone 
Not looking back at what you've done

But deep within I can not breathe
I pray and pray for you to feel
My soul is bleeding where I kneel

You do not come, you do not see
The river flowing to the sea

My blood has stopped within these veins
The river now flows with red stains

[saeity]

The river's calm infront of me
I dream of how we used to be- needs at least a comma here

I glance beyond - I'm not sure why you broke your line here it adds nothing to this.
And think of you
When I had thought you to be true- needs full stop here

I looked at you and saw a god
A pedestal made of my trust
Perhaps all that it was is lust- grammatically this line seems odd maybe change to Perhaps that's all it was, just lust.

And yet my heart is missing still
I stand and stand upon this hill- comma here

I watch and watch for your return
My brain is telling me you're gone 
Not looking back at what you've done full stop here

But deep within I can not breathe
I pray and pray for you to feel
My soul is bleeding where I kneel- full stop here

You do not come, you do not see
The river flowing to the sea- full stop here

My blood has stopped within these veins
The river now flows with red stains-NEEDS FULL STOP


Hi Aphroditeny, this would so much better if only you would punctuate.
I can't stress enough how much a comma/full stop accentuates a piece.
This has good rhyme and meter why spoil it?

[allykat727]

This piece had some great moments and interesting word use. However, I found the rhythm to be somewhat robotic. There were some places where that kind of back and forth rhythm worked but I would have liked to have seen less of it. Try experimenting with different rhythms Overall, your piece was enjoyable to read!