Chiromancy

[milo]

I read it as a lover on the first read, right from the first stanza actually, the treatment of waking next to someone seemed to warrant it. Just another take if you need it.

milo

[Crepuscule]

I read it as a lover on the first read, right from the first stanza actually, the treatment of waking next to someone seemed to warrant it. Just another take if you need it.

milo

Thanks milo...


One thing I'm still undecided about is how to indicate the pause in S1:

Originally I had:

Forms emerging,
your arms and your hands.

Then went for

Forms emerging...
your arms and your hands.

Which Jbird informed me is wrong. It's currently at:

Forms emerging --
your arms and your hands.

Which I don't like particularly.

Ted Hughes uses a neat way of doing it, where he uses a carriage return and an indent:

Forms emerging
_______________your arms and your hands.

But how widespread is that?

What's the best option?

[JBird]

Hi Crepuscule,

The best way would be whatever suits you as long as it's grammatically correct. An ellipsis is tricky, but is commonly used to indicate omitted words (normally) from a quoted passage; or maybe to signify a hesitation as if trying to hide something. Also, ellipsis use the way you're trying to use it—were it used correctly—would have a space after the last letter ... such as this.

An em dash— or a double hyphen-- should be used to indicate a pause or change in thought.

Another suggestion is to consider a change in wording:

Forms emerging of
your arms, your hands.

or

Forms emerging of
your arms—your hands.

[Ganman]

Yikes. Thesaurus much?
If you're bringing this to a critical audience, that implies you might want to do something with it. I'd suggest toning down the language a little bit so that your audience can appreciate it. I've bolded words most people would probably have to look up.


[quote='Crepuscule' pid='120667' dateline='1364333280']
Edit 1.5.1

Chiromancy

I woke and lay and watched
the nascent sun seeping,
diluting the screen of dark.
Forms emerging --
your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
fate and, below the rest,
concealed by beads and
woven thread:
bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

You may also want to expand on this more. Go into the minds of your characters more. Use more abstract imagery. This scene, of waking up the morning after next to a love/sex interest, has been done to death through literature. That doesn't mean your subject doesn't work, it just means you've got to spin it a certain way. Make it longer. Focus less on the environment, more on the images and associations.

[Crepuscule]

Yikes. Thesaurus much?

No, I don't use one.

If you're bringing this to a critical audience, that implies you might want to do something with it. I'd suggest toning down the language a little bit so that your audience can appreciate it. I've bolded words most people would probably have to look up.

I didn't have any intentions for this piece other than to figure out whether it had any merit.

Thanks for the comments.

[Crepuscule]

I've abandoned this piece to concentrate on basics. Only so much you can polish a turd!

[Ganman]

I've abandoned this piece to concentrate on basics. Only so much you can polish a turd!

Never, never talk about your work that way. There's no shame in letting something sit awhile. But this is not a turd. It's an idea that I think could use a little more development, but it's not a turd.

I'm sorry about the harsh criticism about the thesaurus, by the way. I wasn't meaning to imply that you used a thesaurus, just that you use many thesaurus words. I was looking at your poem from a commercial perspective because that's what I've been taught to do. I wasn't intending to speak for your intentions, to tell you you should be focusing on commercializing it... just that if you wanted to make it more accessible, there were more accessible words you could use.

Please don't be discouraged though. I'm sorry if my criticism was a little harsh.

[Crepuscule]

Hi Ganman,

Don't worry... I'm not being a drama llama.

This was the second "poem" I wrote and, if I'm frank with myself, it's pretentious and needs to be killed.

I like free verse, most of the poetry I read is non-metrical and non-rhyming, but I think I need to concentrate on developing the basic skills before I start chopping up prose into lines and calling it a poem.

[milo]

I wouldn't kill it but maybe try a restructuring, save the best. I liked the concept of a palm reading (I for one loved the title too) of a sleeping lover, I liked the idea of specific lines with specific meanings. If anything, that was the section that could have been fleshed out more. Are there other personalities of the lover that reflect back on the narrator? What about things that could have led to the recent suicide attempts?

just thoughts.

[justcloudy]

hi Crep
I agree with milo here--this just isn't tossable. let it sit for however long it takes, and you'll want to come back to it eventually.
from my first reading, I got that it was a lover, but then when others commented about a baby, I could see that too. then you gave the full explanation, which put it in a totally different light. personally I like it when people misread my poetry... means they're projecting their experience/PoV onto my words and it's working. anyway I'm rambling but the point is that despite the big words and the vagueness, something about this piece grabbed my attention and I came back to it again and again. that's a good sign. so don't call it shit, just shelve it for now. and keep writing! =]
-cloudy

[Crepuscule]

Okay, I'll play with it a bit more... how's the latest version?

I was attempting to rewrite it in iambic pentameter. I think I may have shoe horned it a bit too much and it's ended up a bit too "meh, so what"

[Heartafire]

You've done a fine job with your edit. This is a powerful poem, your edits have brought clarity and depth, particularly lines 5 and 6. I am unsure of the use of the comma after sun, I am not sensing a pause there, perhaps I should be.
My best,
Heart