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ORIGINAL
Spewing sorrow, for a left tomorrow.
Dancing, in unhinged grace.
A kind of addiction - or might it be fiction?
Into the stars we gaze.
FIRST REVISION
I'm spewing sorrow, for a left tomorrow.
We're dancing, in unhinged grace;
A kind of addiction. Or might it be fiction?
Into the stars we gaze.
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It is wonderful!
Makes me think of a hermit sage, dancing at his own tune... aloof of this world!
~Neena
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Thank you so much, for your kind words (: I appreciate it! (:
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It's beautiful how 4 lines can set such an atmosphere. L3 is the strong point for me. My only (really picky) critique is I'm not sure on the 'spewing sorrow'. It doesn't quite fit in with the rest of very fluid poem.
Still, I can't see how to improve it, it's lovely 
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
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Hi UnicornRainbowCake,
I can't describe how happy it makes me feel to hear your kind words. Thank you so much This poem means a lot to me, so for others to be able to enjoy it too, just makes me so happy
My fav. is also L3, no doubt And about the 'spewing sorrow': I felt like it needed a first line, that somehow contrasted the other lines a bit
Best,
- Volaticus
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Hi trueenigma,
Thanks for kind words But I don't think I fully understand what you think needs to be corrected. I'm quite happy with it, the way it is. Short and precise.
Best regards,
- Volaticus
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(03-31-2013, 10:08 AM)Volaticus Wrote: Hi trueenigma,
Thanks for kind words But I don't think I fully understand what you think needs to be corrected. I'm quite happy with it, the way it is. Short and precise.
Best regards,
- Volaticus
They are referring to the poor grammar.
Like it or not, it can be improved.
You never /have/ to change anything.
The choice is always yours.
milo
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Ahh. Thanks. I didn't realize that. But I honestly don't know where the grammar is incorrect.
I always like to improve work that needs it, but in this case, I just don't know how. :S
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(03-31-2013, 10:25 AM)Volaticus Wrote: Ahh. Thanks. I didn't realize that. But I honestly don't know where the grammar is incorrect.
I always like to improve work that needs it, but in this case, I just don't know how. :S
Ask yourself what or whom is spewing the sorrow in the first line.
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I know the answer to that question But I don't understand how it can help me revise it.
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(03-31-2013, 10:25 AM)Volaticus Wrote: Ahh. Thanks. I didn't realize that. But I honestly don't know where the grammar is incorrect.
I always like to improve work that needs it, but in this case, I just don't know how. :S
Here's an example to help you understand:
"Going to the supermarket."
It's not a complete sentence, it needs a "subject". Who is going to the supermarket?
"I am going to the supermarket" is correct. Or "Louis is going to the supermarket" or "We are going.." And so on.
I hope that helps!
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It does. Thank you
Did this improve anything?
I'm spewing sorrow, for a left tomorrow.
We're dancing, in unhinged grace.
A kind of addiction - or might it be fiction?
Into the stars we gaze.
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(03-31-2013, 10:59 AM)Volaticus Wrote: It does. Thank you
Did this improve anything?
I'm spewing sorrow, for a left tomorrow.
We're dancing, in unhinged grace.
A kind of addiction - or might it be fiction?
Into the stars we gaze.
Yes it does. It completes the sentences.
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Great
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(03-31-2013, 12:39 PM)trueenigma Wrote: (03-31-2013, 10:59 AM)Volaticus Wrote: It does. Thank you
Did this improve anything?
I'm spewing sorrow, for a left tomorrow.
We're dancing, in unhinged grace.
A kind of addiction - or might it be fiction?
Into the stars we gaze.
Yes it does. It completes the sentences.
But then line three may also need some work. I would like to know what is a kind of addiction, or might be fiction?
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The way I meant it when I wrote it, was that their 'dancing, in unhinged grace', is 'a kind of addiction'/'fiction'.
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(03-31-2013, 12:45 PM)trueenigma Wrote: (03-31-2013, 12:39 PM)trueenigma Wrote: (03-31-2013, 10:59 AM)Volaticus Wrote: It does. Thank you
Did this improve anything?
I'm spewing sorrow, for a left tomorrow.
We're dancing, in unhinged grace.
A kind of addiction - or might it be fiction?
Into the stars we gaze.
Yes it does. It completes the sentences.
But then line three may also need some work. I would like to know what is a kind of addiction, or might be fiction?
If the star gazing were the addiction you could use:
A kind of addiction (or might it be fiction?),
into the stars we gaze.
Not prefect but anyway the grammar is a little better.
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I think I will do that. It's not perfect, no, but I think it makes it better still.
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(03-31-2013, 12:51 PM)Volaticus Wrote: The way I meant it when I wrote it, was that their 'dancing, in unhinged grace', is 'a kind of addiction'/'fiction'. "We're dancing in unhinged grace,
A kind of addiction. Or might it be fiction?
In that case this is better, as far as the grammar is concerned.
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I thought of doing that. Thanks
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