Pop

[tmanzano]

I pretended your mouth
didn't water for her
and rode bikes along shores
of sunny closed eyes and la la la

I heard her vomit you
behind the stop sign
at the end of the bed,
where dank was rapacious

Being quiet was louder than you
when ice popped in warm tequila
and sheets were never pulled
quite tight enough

[softlyfalling]

I read this. Then I read it again. Then I read it again...
Like worrying a wound, so it can never heal.
Raw. Brutal. Powerful. Tragic. True

[Todd]

The more I read you, the more I appreciate your style. I. Like this a lot. Some comments:

I pretended your mouth--love the break
didn't water for her
and rode bikes along shores of--maybe break on shores
sunny closed eyes and la la la--sunny closed eyes is such a surprising line. The la la la reads to me like a Vonnegut so it goes.

I heard her vomit you
behind the stop sign at--maybe break on sign
the end of the bed,
where dank was rapacious--a greedy mildewed cold. I like the phrasing

Being quiet was louder than you--lovely line
when ice popped in warm tequila--this also
and sheets were never pulled--great detail in these last two lines
quite tight enough for her--if the you above is the her than maybe end on enough

Loved it in the details even the reference of the tequila line back to the cool title.

Best,

Todd

[tmanzano]

I read this. Then I read it again. Then I read it again...
Like worrying a wound, so it can never heal.
Raw. Brutal. Powerful. Tragic. True

I also have read this and read this. This is draft nine, twelve, I have lost count. Sometimes we write because it won't heal. Thank you for the read, and re-read.

---

The more I read you, the more I appreciate your style. I. Like this a lot. Some comments:

I pretended your mouth--love the break
didn't water for her
and rode bikes along shores of--maybe break on shores
sunny closed eyes and la la la--sunny closed eyes is such a surprising line. The la la la reads to me like a Vonnegut so it goes.

I heard her vomit you
behind the stop sign at--maybe break on sign
the end of the bed,
where dank was rapacious--a greedy mildewed cold. I like the phrasing

Being quiet was louder than you--lovely line
when ice popped in warm tequila--this also
and sheets were never pulled--great detail in these last two lines
quite tight enough for her--if the you above is the her than maybe end on enough

Loved it in the details even the reference of the tequila line back to the cool title.

Best,

Todd

Todd, you are quickly becoming a dependence... lol Your suggestions are so well thought out. I love them all. I seem to struggle with break sometimes, as evidenced by... I almost want to scurry the reader into the next line to remind them they are joined. Need to give the reader more credit. Thank you Todd.


The ending suggestion I appreciate the most.

---

Edit done...It works well for me Todd. This one was much longer before I have presented it here. I keep chopping and chopping looking for the core. I am a "less is more" and an "essentials" kind of write. I think you are much the same. I think this one is done... Until I read it again. (chuckle)

[dandan]

I read this. Then I read it again. Then I read it again...
Like worrying a wound, so it can never heal.
Raw. Brutal. Powerful. Tragic. True

I did the same. It's a beautiful poem.
the only suggestions I had where regarding where you break off but someone has already mentioned it. (It was about not breaking after "at" and "of"
ex. 'Behind the stop' and 'and rode bikes along shores'