Winter Dance

[allykat727]

It’s the sound of your silence
in the cold of the night, frightening stare
and the break of a smile, glistening
behind your eyes and trickling down your nose
make plans, break hands, let envelopes close.

Waterfalls of bygones drown the air around us
but the dust on my lips aches to be made warm
in the strength of your arms, don’t let go.

The dizzy dance ensues and the music spins louder
and somehow my feet know step 1, 2 and 3
can’t you see that I’m still shaky with fever?
and all of those who stepped on your frail toes
left you wet and broken and all mine, all mine.
You’re still the best dancer in this part of town
but the thing is, I can’t bear your silence this time.

[milo]

It’s the sound of your silence
in the cold of the night, frightening stare
and the break of a smile, glistening
behind your eyes and trickling down your nose
make plans, break hands, let envelopes close.

Waterfalls of bygones drown the air around us
but the dust on my lips aches to be made warm
in the strength of your arms, don’t let go.

The dizzy dance ensues and the music spins louder
and somehow my feet know step 1, 2 and 3
can’t you see that I’m still shaky with fever?
and all of those who stepped on your frail toes
left you wet and broken and all mine, all mine.
You’re still the best dancer in this part of town
but the thing is, I can’t bear your silence this time.

the attention to meter and sound in this one is better but you spend more time treading through over-familiar water:
"sound of silence"
"cold of night"
and you are relying more on abstractions and poetic constructions:
"waterfalls of bygones"

"the dust on my lips aches to be made warm" almost evades the hackneyed "my lips ache to be made warm" but not quite.

Still, plenty of details, plenty of imagery, the writing is still quite strong, nice job.

milo

[allykat727]

the attention to meter and sound in this one is better but you spend more time treading through over-familiar water:
"sound of silence"
"cold of night"
and you are relying more on abstractions and poetic constructions:
"waterfalls of bygones"

"the dust on my lips aches to be made warm" almost evades the hackneyed "my lips ache to be made warm" but not quite.

Still, plenty of details, plenty of imagery, the writing is still quite strong, nice job.

milo

Well put milo, it is a bit cliche isn't it. Thanks for the input!

[billy]

yep ally, it's a bit cliched, but it's nothing an edit can't rectify
where you see a cliche, think of something original. you noiseless bastard. says something similar to your first line, not saying use it but, just to look at what the cliche is saying and changing it, he may be a good guy so exchange prince for bastard etc. the piece does feel a bit wordy in a lot of places so cutting back would bring out the best parts of the poem

It’s the sound of your silence
in the cold of the night, frightening stare
and the break of a smile, glistening
behind your eyes and trickling down your nose
make plans, break hands, let envelopes close.

Waterfalls of bygones drown the air around us
but the dust on my lips aches to be made warm no need for 'but', the rest of the line is excellent.
in the strength of your arms, don’t let go.

The dizzy dance ensues and the music spins louder
and somehow my feet know step 1, 2 and 3
can’t you see that I’m still shaky with fever?
and all of those who stepped on your frail toes
left you wet and broken and all mine, all mine.
You’re still the best dancer in this part of town
but the thing is, I can’t bear your silence this time.

[serge gurkski]

tricklin down your nose. No, i don't want that. but that's just me.

no one wants me to get into this:

a break of a smile ... trickling down your nose.

Nope.
But the next line is good:
(are we in serious?)

"
Waterfalls of bygones drown the air around us"

very good!

"the dust on my lips aches to be made warm
in the strength of your arms, don’t let go.

The dizzy dance ensues and the music spins louder
and somehow my feet know step 1, 2 and 3
can’t you see that I’m still shaky with fever?
and all of those who stepped on your frail toes
left you wet and broken and all mine, all mine.
You’re still the best dancer in this part of town
but the thing is, I can’t bear your silence this time."


I love this. But for "ensue"

To me this is a very good poem. Thank you.

[allykat727]

yep ally, it's a bit cliched, but it's nothing an edit can't rectify
where you see a cliche, think of something original. you noiseless bastard. says something similar to your first line, not saying use it but, just to look at what the cliche is saying and changing it, he may be a good guy so exchange prince for bastard etc. the piece does feel a bit wordy in a lot of places so cutting back would bring out the best parts of the poem

It’s the sound of your silence
in the cold of the night, frightening stare
and the break of a smile, glistening
behind your eyes and trickling down your nose
make plans, break hands, let envelopes close.

Waterfalls of bygones drown the air around us
but the dust on my lips aches to be made warm no need for 'but', the rest of the line is excellent.
in the strength of your arms, don’t let go.

The dizzy dance ensues and the music spins louder
and somehow my feet know step 1, 2 and 3
can’t you see that I’m still shaky with fever?
and all of those who stepped on your frail toes
left you wet and broken and all mine, all mine.
You’re still the best dancer in this part of town
but the thing is, I can’t bear your silence this time.

hahaha "you noiseless bastard". i like your style. and yeah, i see what youre saying about the wordiness. will take that into consideration. stay tuned for a revision thanks!

---

tricklin down your nose. No, i don't want that. but that's just me.

no one wants me to get into this:

a break of a smile ... trickling down your nose.

Nope.
But the next line is good:
(are we in serious?)

"
Waterfalls of bygones drown the air around us"

very good!

"the dust on my lips aches to be made warm
in the strength of your arms, don’t let go.

The dizzy dance ensues and the music spins louder
and somehow my feet know step 1, 2 and 3
can’t you see that I’m still shaky with fever?
and all of those who stepped on your frail toes
left you wet and broken and all mine, all mine.
You’re still the best dancer in this part of town
but the thing is, I can’t bear your silence this time."


I love this. But for "ensue"

To me this is a very good poem. Thank you.

Hey there. Thanks for the comments.

What do you mean about the "trickling down your nose" line? Is it just that you don't think the turn of words makes sense? I see that.

Glad you like the "waterfalls" line thats one of my favorite parts of the piece.

Was your comment about the word "ensue" meant to be longer?

I appreciate the feedback!

[serge gurkski]

What do you mean about the "trickling down your nose" line? Is it just that you don't think the turn of words makes sense? I see that.


No, I mean it is uhm not so sexy.
you know what I mean?
really, I love this poem.
But without drifflin noses.


can't you see youself or am I wrong, I don't know. ,-
big stuff
Anyway.

[allykat727]

What do you mean about the "trickling down your nose" line? Is it just that you don't think the turn of words makes sense? I see that.


No, I mean it is uhm not so sexy.
you know what I mean?
really, I love this poem.
But without drifflin noses.


can't you see youself or am I wrong, I don't know. ,-
big stuff
Anyway.

Haha ohhh! Well it's really meant to describe the smile spreading. "the break of a smile glistening behind your eyes and trickling down your nose." though i was thinking maybe id change it to "trickling into your cheeks"

[serge gurkski]

as long as noses are not inclined.

You are not a nose fetishist? I mean, ok with me.


(just kidding of course)


re: ensue
I am just not too fond of the word.
what I meant was I really dig your poem but could do without the word "ensue".

cheers
serge

[Mattie]

I enjoyed your poem and dance,I hope he wear nice shoes

[allykat727]

I enjoyed your poem and dance,I hope he wear nice shoes

Haha thanks Mattie!

[lewis taylor]

Really great stuff, I'm pretty much in agreement with the others; solid meter and a great illustration but not entirely free of cliche. I say that as a critic as opposed to a poet because my poetry is riddled with them haha

[allykat727]

Really great stuff, I'm pretty much in agreement with the others; solid meter and a great illustration but not entirely free of cliche. I say that as a critic as opposed to a poet because my poetry is riddled with them haha

Thanks for the input Lewis much appreciated!

[c.gutzwiller]

Trickling down your nose was one of my favorite parts. It made me think of tears though, like the smile was a sad one. If that's not what you were going for, I think the revision is good although lips may be better than cheeks. Or dimples?

[allykat727]

Trickling down your nose was one of my favorite parts. It made me think of tears though, like the smile was a sad one. If that's not what you were going for, I think the revision is good although lips may be better than cheeks. Or dimples?

I am glad you like that line c.gutzwiller. It is definitely depicting a smile tinged with sadness. Thanks!

[Vistaldust]

Great imagery, here. It reads well. You take some great risks here. You can always modify as the others have said.

[allykat727]

Great imagery, here. It reads well. You take some great risks here. You can always modify as the others have said.

Thanks Vitaldust!