Painful Confusion

[dandan]

(quick note: I'm new here, but I've always loved poetry. looking forward to any thoughts you may have on what I've written!)


Somewhere, someone has a remote control,
They have it set to fast forward.
Everything is rushing past: noises, sights, thoughts.
They keep raising the volume.
They keep changing the channel.
Loud, loud pain between my ears,
Amplified by blurring scenes too quick to grasp.
It's all so fast,
So loud,
So confusing.

I want to ask them to stop,
"Please sir, you have the wrong remote",
When I realize something in my left hand.
There it is, my name printed clear as day at the top,
With its buttons all askew.
It's as confused as I.
How can I know which easy is forward?
Which way is right?
With a faulty remote.
It's all so wrong,
So jumbled,
So confusing.

As I try pressing other buttons,
I realize I've found the one to my heart.
Sorry. Bliss. Anger. Boredom.
My facial expressions quickly change to match each passing emotion.
Suddenly I'm crying,
Tear after tear,
until there are none left.
Only I don't feel any better,
In fact I feel empty.
Emptied of any emotion at all.
This is so strange,
So sad,
So confusing.

My face void of emotion,
My mind abuzz,
I don't know what to do.

[justcloudy]

hi dandan

thanks for sharing your piece. just remember the more you crit others the more we'll want to crit you! =]

I really enjoyed the images in this piece, and I think with some work it can be really strong. you have a couple issues here: your ideas are nice but you don't link them well at times, and you should try to be a little less wordy (a problem I have myself-- decide which words are essential and which you can take out).

also the endings of each stanza didn't work too well for me. I see what you were doing but I don't really like it. just a personal opinion.

anyway thanks for the read, and see more detailed comments below:

(quick note: I'm new here, but I've always loved poetry. looking forward to any thoughts you may have on what I've written!)


Somewhere, someone has a remote control,
They have it set to fast forward. maybe "he set it" and continuing with he (or she) for the rest?
Everything is rushing past: noises, sights, thoughts.
They keep raising the volume.
They keep changing the channel.
Loud, loud pain between my ears, I'd like a line showing the reader how the TV and that person somewhere connects to you
Amplified by blurring scenes too quick to grasp.
It's all so fast,
So loud,
So confusing.

I want to ask them to stop,
"Please sir, you have the wrong remote", hehe love this
When I realize something in my left hand. I don't think that works grammatically. he can realize something is IN his left hand, or see something in his hand
There it is, my name printed clear as day at the top, a bit wordy
With its buttons all askew. I like that
It's as confused as I. I am
How can I know which easy is forward? easy? now I'm the one confused
Which way is right?
With a faulty remote.
It's all so wrong,
So jumbled,
So confusing.

As I try pressing other buttons,
I realize I've found the one to my heart. this happens a bit quickly for me... from TV to heart, hmm. I like it but we need more of a transition
Sorry. Bliss. Anger. Boredom. sorrow
My facial expressions quickly change to match each passing emotion. too wordy
Suddenly I'm crying,
Tear after tear,
until there are none left.
Only I don't feel any better,
In fact I feel empty.
Emptied of any emotion at all.
This is so strange,
So sad,
So confusing.

My face void of emotion,
My mind abuzz,
I don't know what to do. I'm sure you could come up with an ending that has a bit more of a punch. this just kinda trails off...

[dandan]

hi dandan

thanks for sharing your piece. just remember the more you crit others the more we'll want to crit you! =]

I really enjoyed the images in this piece, and I think with some work it can be really strong. you have a couple issues here: your ideas are nice but you don't link them well at times, and you should try to be a little less wordy (a problem I have myself-- decide which words are essential and which you can take out).

also the endings of each stanza didn't work too well for me. I see what you were doing but I don't really like it. just a personal opinion.

anyway thanks for the read, and see more detailed comments below:

(quick note: I'm new here, but I've always loved poetry. looking forward to any thoughts you may have on what I've written!)


Somewhere, someone has a remote control,
They have it set to fast forward. maybe "he set it" and continuing with he (or she) for the rest?
Everything is rushing past: noises, sights, thoughts.
They keep raising the volume.
They keep changing the channel.
Loud, loud pain between my ears, I'd like a line showing the reader how the TV and that person somewhere connects to you
Amplified by blurring scenes too quick to grasp.
It's all so fast,
So loud,
So confusing.

I want to ask them to stop,
"Please sir, you have the wrong remote", hehe love this
When I realize something in my left hand. I don't think that works grammatically. he can realize something is IN his left hand, or see something in his hand
There it is, my name printed clear as day at the top, a bit wordy
With its buttons all askew. I like that
It's as confused as I. I am
How can I know which easy is forward? easy? now I'm the one confused (oops, I meant to say : How can I know which way is forward?)
Which way is right?
With a faulty remote.
It's all so wrong,
So jumbled,
So confusing.

As I try pressing other buttons,
I realize I've found the one to my heart. this happens a bit quickly for me... from TV to heart, hmm. I like it but we need more of a transition
Sorry. Bliss. Anger. Boredom. sorrow
My facial expressions quickly change to match each passing emotion. too wordy
Suddenly I'm crying,
Tear after tear,
until there are none left.
Only I don't feel any better,
In fact I feel empty.
Emptied of any emotion at all.
This is so strange,
So sad,
So confusing.

My face void of emotion,
My mind abuzz,
I don't know what to do. I'm sure you could come up with an ending that has a bit more of a punch. this just kinda trails off...

thanks justcloudy, you have some very good pointers! I definitely agree about the ending needing more 'oomph' I just wasn't sure how to do so. I think I want to try and portray that the the TV (so me in a way) ends up broken. I'll keep trying out a few endings and post a edited version soon.

[Volaticus]

Hi dandan,
First, I enjoyed reading your poem, so thanks
I thought that the imagery and the metaphors in the poem was a very nice concept/idea.
The line "Sorry. Bliss. Anger. Boredom". For me, it's like the words don't fully match the context of the rest of the poem.
The rest I picked up on, has already been mentioned, so no need to mention it again
- Volaticus