What is the light from a beautiful day?
Some say love gives us this feeling,
Others explain that it is faith,
Then they ask me,
I haven't understood the answer
In quite some time.
But the transparent thought will
Flourish my mind with a beautiful melody,
That will walk to me, to give me a hug and kiss.
To cleanse my curse,
So that my vision will go beyond the dark abyss.
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Hi checo456,
I think it's a good poem, but it might need s bit of work around the edges.
In L7: I think it would help the flow of your poem, if you put the word "will" in the beginning of L8 instead.
L1-L6: I thought was beautifully written, and I think it really works, starting the poem off with the question.
L9: I feel the sentence is a bit clumsy. I don't know.. Maybe it could be rewritten or shortened a bit.
Thanks for the read
I enjoyed it
Thanks for the comment, I'll make the changes
I thought about deleting everything after L6, but I feel like if I did that poem would be missing a lot.
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
I think you're right, that the poem would be missing a lot, if you only kept L1-L6. I definitely don't think you should delete the last part. But I think it needs some work, to make it fit better with the first part. Maybe someone, with more skill than I, could help you with that
What is the light from a beautiful day?
Some say love gives us this feeling,
Others explain that it is faith,
Then they ask me.
I haven't understood the answer
In quite some time.
But the transparent thought
will Flourish my mind, with a beautiful melody.
To cleanse my curse of worldly thought.
So that my vision will go beyond the dark abyss.
I just decided to delete the line altogether, I just didn't see how to make it work.
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
I think it works much better now
