"Are You Dreaming?"

[Volaticus]

(This is an older piece. I do think it has potential, and there are parts I really like myself. But I also think that it needs, probably a great deal of work, so feedback could really be a great and appreciated help )

"Are You Dreaming?"

Where the old pendulum swing
And the windblown church bells ring
In all eternity; the coloured memories cling.

In the cottage from the woods
By the lakes or the creeks
No sound weeps - all sleeps.

No tearing, nor scratching
No wearing, nor latching
All things hatching.

In the place, where dark is darker
And the bright, - is so much brighter
Sounds; clean and clear
I must be here!

Fear and hate; Vanished
Greyscale; Completely and utterly banished.

And so; Where the old pendulum swing
The windblown church bells ring
And all the memories cling
That's truly, - where all the blue birds sing.



FIRST REWRITE ATTEMPT:

Out In The Country

Where the old pendulums swing
And the windblown church bells ring;
- All the memories cling.

In a cottage in the woods
By the lakes or the creeks
No crow weeps
– All sleeps.

No tearing, nor scratching
No wearing, nor latching
All nests hatching.

In the place where dark, and bright
Nestle.
Sounds; Clean and clear
I must be here!

Fear and hate; Vanished
A trough; Replenished

And so; Where the old pendulums swing
The windblown church bells ring
And all the memories cling
The blue birds
Will forever sing.


I've really tried hard to make use of all the good advise I got, to rewrite this poem. Some feedback would be very helpful

[milo]

This is actually quite a bit better. You mostly avoid cliche and you have some attention to music here.

(This is an older piece. I do think it has potential, and there are parts I really like myself. But I also think that it needs, probably a great deal of work, so feedback could really be a great and appreciated help )

"Are You Dreaming?" The title is bad. Let the reader work some stuff out for themselves.

Where the old pendulum swing it would be 'swings' btw. If you want exact rhyme just 'Where pendulums swing"
And the windblown church bells ring you are focusing on imagery here, concrete nouns and verbs, this is good.

In all eternity; the coloured memories cling. while here, you are all abstract. I would just trim to "memories cling". Best not to modify your abstractions as a rule.

In the cottage from the woods 'from' or 'in'?
By the lakes or the creeks 'or'?
No sound weeps - all sleeps. Once again, I would trim to 'all sleeps'

No tearing, nor scratching switch from nor to or
No wearing, nor latching again
All things hatching. instead of 'things' specifics. Cocoons, birds, snakes, tadpoles, whatever

In the place, where dark is darker once again, modifying abstractions, only do it if there is a gun to your head.
And the bright, - is so much brighter ""
Sounds; clean and clear
I must be here!

Fear and hate; Vanished
Greyscale; Completely and utterly banished. I don't like this whole section as much because you have abandoned all detail

And so; Where the old pendulum swing well, you repeat the grammar error here.
The windblown church bells ring
And all the memories cling
That's truly, - where all the blue birds sing. 'truly' is superfluous"

so . . . .

Where the pendulums swing
And the windblown church bells ring
the memories cling.

A cottage in the woods
By the lakes or the creeks
- all sleeps.

No tearing, nor scratching
No wearing, nor latching
All things hatching.

In the place, where dark
And bright, -
Sounds clear
be here!

Vanished
Greyscale; Completely banished.

And so; Where the pendulums swing
The windblown church bells ring
And the memories cling
- where the blue birds sing.

then, flesh it in with crisp details.
Try to use combination that yu have never read or heard before.

Good start. I enjoyed much of it.
Have fun revising.

milo

By the lakes where the pendulums swing
and the bluebirds won't hatch, where we scratch
out the sounds of the church's dull ring.
By the lakes where the pendulums swing -
there's a cottage of buttons and string
and a gallows to gather and watch
by the lakes. Where the pendulums swing
and the bluebirds won't hatch, where we scratch.

[Volaticus]

Hi milo,
I really appreciate you taking the time, thanks a bunch


Where the old pendulum swing I thought there was an error here. I considered writing "Where the old pendulums swing". Would that work properly?
And the windblown church bells ring
In all eternity; the coloured memories cling. By abstract, do you then mean that the word "coloured" is too.. personalizing?

In the cottage from the woods "From" sounds a bit weird, yes. I just thought that if I wrote "In the cottage in the woods", the extra "in" would maybe be too repetitious?
By the lakes or the creeks I don't know if I understand why I can't use "or" here?
No sound weeps - all sleeps. I see your point, but "No sound weeps" is a very crucial statement, in the poem, so I don't fully know how to work around that.

No tearing, nor scratching I will. But why not "nor"?
No wearing, nor latching Same.
All things hatching. You're right. It needs something more specific.

In the place, where dark is darker This bit needs a lot of work. Not sure what to do right now, but I'll try and experiment
And the bright, - is so much brighter Same
Sounds; clean and clear
I must be here!

Fear and hate; Vanished
Greyscale; Completely and utterly banished. What do you mean by abandoning all detail? I feel like this section sums up the first verses/stanzas.

And so; Where the old pendulum swing
The windblown church bells ring
And all the memories cling
That's truly, - where all the blue birds sing. Could it work to replace "truly" with another word?


I look forward to try and improve this poem

[milo]

Hi milo,
I really appreciate you taking the time, thanks a bunch


Where the old pendulum swing I thought there was an error here. I considered writing "Where the old pendulums swing". Would that work properly?
And the windblown church bells ring
In all eternity; the coloured memories cling. By abstract, do you then mean that the word "coloured" is too.. personalizing?

In the cottage from the woods "From" sounds a bit weird, yes. I just thought that if I wrote "In the cottage in the woods", the extra "in" would maybe be too repetitious?
By the lakes or the creeks I don't know if I understand why I can't use "or" here?
No sound weeps - all sleeps. I see your point, but "No sound weeps" is a very crucial statement, in the poem, so I don't fully know how to work around that.

No tearing, nor scratching I will. But why not "nor"?
No wearing, nor latching Same.
All things hatching. You're right. It needs something more specific.

In the place, where dark is darker This bit needs a lot of work. Not sure what to do right now, but I'll try and experiment
And the bright, - is so much brighter Same
Sounds; clean and clear
I must be here!

Fear and hate; Vanished
Greyscale; Completely and utterly banished. What do you mean by abandoning all detail? I feel like this section sums up the first verses/stanzas.

And so; Where the old pendulum swing
The windblown church bells ring
And all the memories cling
That's truly, - where all the blue birds sing. Could it work to replace "truly" with another word?


I look forward to try and improve this poem

ok, so I sense some confusion over abstraction. The bedrock and mortar of poetry are nouns and verbs - strong, specific nouns and verbs. All nouns are either concrete (things we can touch, taste, smell, etc) or abstract (vague conceptual nouns).

Concrete nouns are always better as they bring specific images and strength, abstraction is weak, it should be used sparingly or referred to and pretty much never modified.

Example - death. It is an abstraction. Hide it or don't use it, the worst thing to do would be modify it - dark death, sleepy death, dreamy death, these are all crap, they cannot truly be visualized.

So, in your poem we have:

Concrete - pendulum, bell, cottage, lake, creek, bluebirds

Abstract - eternity, memories, sound, things, place, bright, dark, sounds, fear, hate, grayscale

Here is a graph showing how my enjoyment changes as the ratio changes:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/pub?...jNub1dXYWc&single=true&gid=0&output=html


good luck
milo

[Volaticus]

I didn't fully understand it before, but now that you've explained it, it makes so much sense to me. I can definitely use this advise Thanks a lot

[Volaticus]

I've posted a rewrite of the poem, thanks to milo's invaluable advise. I tried really hard, so I hope I've improved it at least some. I think I did

[milo]

I've posted a rewrite of the poem, thanks to milo's invaluable advise. I tried really hard, so I hope I've improved it at least some. I think I did

imo - the new version is worlds better. It is much tighter, the flow is nicer and it is more focused on the details and images. There is more that could be done, but you might want to move it out of novice and into mild.

milo

[Volaticus]

That makes me very happy to hear, because I tried very hard
I will take your advise, and post the rewrite in the mild forum.
Thanks for your support