First Poem

[ZangetsuJSU]

The pain inside
I do hide
For losing you
I won't do

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I don't get the last line - I won't do what? I like the impact of it's shortness, but the last line lets it down with the unclearness of what you won't do. Perhaps expand it on another line, something that would really round it off nicely.

[Volaticus]

Hi ZangetsyJSU,
I like how you kept it so short It can pack a punch keeping it short, but then it'll also have to be spot on. I think there's something a bit off with the grammar. It seems too fragmented. "For losing you, I won't do" especially. In my opinion, I think it would work better if you put in a few more words. "For losing you, is what I won't do" or whatever you find fitting Just a suggestion

[ZangetsuJSU]

edit:
The pain I feel inside
I rush to hide
Because losing you
I can not do

[DaArthur]

edit:
The pain I feel inside
I rush to hide
Because losing you
I can not do

Isn't the pain greater when you can't hide it?
Wouldn't the pain be greater with the loss?
Just my experience...

Sorry. My critique is short and sharp. Pain and loss are powerful emotions, but sometimes these expressions can be more powerful when taken to the Nth degree.
- Art

[lewis taylor]

Hey, I'm new to this forum and this is the first poem I've read on it. For what it's worth, I like what you were shooting for with the first drought and I'm pretty partial to short sharp poems when written well, but as the other users said, it doesn't quite flow. As for your edit, the grammar is there but you've sacrificed form, and the rhythm doesn't quite match the rhyme. But maybe I'm getting too meticulous. Good first job!

[billy]

hi lewis, it's good feedback for the novice forum

hi ZangetsuJSU
the syntax feels awkward. even in such a short poem you have excess words, where else would one feel pain? often the word because isn't needed; the last line need needs swapping round as well in order to help the flow, and do becomes unnecessary, forcing losing to become lose.

I rush to hide
The pain I feel
I can not
lose you

while the poem gets the sentiment across. it needs more in order to make it less generic.

thanks for the read.