if my dog could writer verse..

[lewis taylor]

Said the Dog to the Human

"I'd hate to bite the hand from which I'm fed
but there are words that I must speak.

"I only mean to say
that I really find it strange;
the way you tall skinny things
go about your days.

"How you drape yourselves in cotton
or whatever else you use,
and trip about on just two paws
in such perplexing ways.

"How you make so many sounds
into one another's heads
and move along then rendezvous
and do it all again.

"Does it mark a sense of time, or do
you just go to day to day like me,
and those things like your money-paper
assist with your delusions?

"I guess somehow it must be great
and just above my feeble mind.
But oh, how I wish you'd hear me barking
when I beg you not to buy into what you think is normal!
It's all just a hoax
and don't you know the only real measure of worth is gravy?"

[UnicornRainbowCake]

"I'd hate to bite the hand from which I'm fed
but there are words that I must speak.

Great opening stanza, clever in more ways than one, made me chuckle

"I only mean to say
that I really find it strange;
the way you tall skinny things It works, but I think you could find some better adjectives (me being picky)
go about your days.

"How you drape yourselves in cotton
or whatever else you use, These two lines are weaker than the rest of the poem. Is there a real significance in 'whatever else you use?
and trip about on just two paws
in such perplexing ways.

"How you make so many sounds
into one another's heads
and move along then rendezvous
and do it all again.
Great stanza - but what about the perplexing ways of the last stanza's line? It would be nice to see that elaborated on

"Does it mark a sense of time, or do
you just go to day to day like me, day to day?
and those things like your money-paper I don't think there is any need for 'those things like' - it only weakens a good stanza.
assist with your delusions?

"I guess somehow it must be great Again, I'd cut out 'I guess'. Quite surreal to say, but the cleverness and general personality of the dog weakens further through simply because of these little things.
and just above my feeble mind.
But oh, how I wish you'd hear me barking
when I beg you not to buy into what you think is normal!
It's all just a hoax
and don't you know the only real measure of worth is gravy?"

The last five lines bring back out what was originally there in terms of this dog. I love them.

Though I seem to have written quite a bit, I don't think you should change much. It's very cleverly written -I'm sure if my dog could speak...

[milo]

Said the Dog to the Human

"I'd hate to bite the hand from which I'm fed
but there are words that I must speak.

"I only mean to say
that I really find it strange;
the way you tall skinny things
go about your days.

"How you drape yourselves in cotton
or whatever else you use,
and trip about on just two paws
in such perplexing ways.

"How you make so many sounds
into one another's heads
and move along then rendezvous
and do it all again.

"Does it mark a sense of time, or do
you just go to day to day like me,
and those things like your money-paper
assist with your delusions?

"I guess somehow it must be great
and just above my feeble mind.
But oh, how I wish you'd hear me barking
when I beg you not to buy into what you think is normal!
It's all just a hoax
and don't you know the only real measure of worth is gravy?"

the concept is ok, but most of it is executed with a ham-fisted wordy awkwardness. The meter appears, then disappears, then gets all messed up. The idea that a dog would be interested or even aware of commerce is silly, and not funny silly, trite silly. Same thing with the concept of speech.

I would like the last line if only you could make it scan.

This poem needs a serious revision, not just a word-chopping but a reconceptualization. Be the dog. Become the dog.

thank you for sharing.

milo

[Kurtzzz16]

Said the Dog to the Human

"I'd hate to bite the hand from which I'm fed
but there are words that I must speak.

"I only mean to say
that I really find it strange;
the way you tall skinny things
go about your days.

"How you drape yourselves in cotton
or whatever else you use,
and trip about on just two paws
in such perplexing ways.

"How you make so many sounds
into one another's heads
and move along then rendezvous
and do it all again.

"Does it mark a sense of time, or do
you just go to day to day like me,
and those things like your money-paper
assist with your delusions?

"I guess somehow it must be great
and just above my feeble mind.
But oh, how I wish you'd hear me barking
when I beg you not to buy into what you think is normal!
It's all just a hoax
and don't you know the only real measure of worth is gravy?"

I like the poem as a whole. The only flaw that there really is, in my eyes, is the flow of the poem and the adjectives that you used.

[Leanne]

I like the poem as a whole. The only flaw that there really is, in my eyes, is the flow of the poem and the adjectives that you used.

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