Let's get a coffee sometime

[Snags]

This is something that's already "out in the wild" after a few revisions, but I keep thinking it could do with a tweak here and there. I just can't quite put my finger on where. I figure the assembled intellect might help with that - either by pinpointing what's niggling me, or helping me decide to just leave it and move on! So I shall brave the world of Mild.

The whole thing is a fictional riff that popped into my head courtesy of a friend's rather splendid coffee cup doodle, to give it some context, and reassure that you won't be stabbing my personal life in the heart by commenting!


Let's get a coffee sometime

They first met
in a multi-national chain.
Appropriately enough
it wasn’t too taxing
for a first date.
Anonymous
homogenous
a setting without soul to host
a tentative appraisal
two halves reaching
carefully
for a whole

As things progressed
they stepped away
from the highways to the byways;
sought intimacy and warmth
in side roads that nurtured
subtler, bijoux, discrete saloons.
A warmth and depth and character
the home you never had;
steam rising in the half-light
a fire in the snug
supportive and enveloping
like a slow and welcome hug.

When things got serious
they stopped going out.
DeLonghi and Lavazza
competed to fuel
lazy Sunday mornings
and late Saturday nights.
From an occasion to occasional
by a simple trick of light.

The last time they met
was back where it began.
A swapping of keys
for a small bag of remnants
and otherwise forgotten things.
No looks, no glances.
Anonymous
homogenous
coffee just a prop
spilt
pooling
cooling
a mark
to be wiped away
in time.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I love the idea and concept you have and how it works in a full circle, but indeed there are a few things I'd tweak.

The first stanza's enjambment doesn't work for me - I'm not sure if it's the break in the flow or the lack of punctation, but it doesn't quite work.

Second stanza is good, but what is gettting at me is 'the home you never had'. It would be better as they, you're changing points of view.

I'd also perhaps consider changing 'back where it began' to 'in a multi-national chain' to strengthen that circle you've been in.

These are only things I'd personally adjust though

[Snags]

Thanks Amy.

I think I see what you mean about the enjambment. Of course, when I read it in my head I know where all the pauses are supposed to be, and how it's supposed to flow, but that's cheating I'll ponder some punctuation, as the basic breakdown is how I want it, I think; the only line I'd consider running on is L3 to L4 as the rest are sort of related fragments. I can see how it could be better punctuated, though.

"The home you never had" was intended as a nod towards marketing bollocks, as part of conjuring up an idea; a bit like a voiceover breaking in for that line. Perhaps it needs quotes to make that clearer? I think changing it to "they" would alter the meaning too much, and say something very different, but I see what you mean about it shifting the focus otherwise.

I'll cogitate on those and see if there's any other feedback before cracking out an edit, I think. Thank you, very much appreciated.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

Thanks Amy.

I think I see what you mean about the enjambment. Of course, when I read it in my head I know where all the pauses are supposed to be, and how it's supposed to flow, but that's cheating I'll ponder some punctuation, as the basic breakdown is how I want it, I think; the only line I'd consider running on is L3 to L4 as the rest are sort of related fragments. I can see how it could be better punctuated, though.

"The home you never had" was intended as a nod towards marketing bollocks, as part of conjuring up an idea; a bit like a voiceover breaking in for that line. Perhaps it needs quotes to make that clearer? I think changing it to "they" would alter the meaning too much, and say something very different, but I see what you mean about it shifting the focus otherwise.

I'll cogitate on those and see if there's any other feedback before cracking out an edit, I think. Thank you, very much appreciated.

The enjambment and punctation isn't really a huge issue for me, more a means of improving what you have.

I understand 'the home you never had' now - perhaps in italics? Or quotes, would equally work. It is more a misunderstanding on my behalf.

[Snags]

It is more a misunderstanding on my behalf.

Yes, but one that's the fault of the author, not the reader

[AisforApple]

The last stanza is probably my favorite, and I really like how "The last time they met was back where it began" and you repeat the Anonymous, homogenous from the first stanza (going back to where it began).

I understand why the third stanza is necessary, showing how the relationship has become more monotonous, but it's just kind of "meh" (which I guess is the point, but the poem is still strong without it). I wouldn't get rid of it, but maybe just play around with it a little. I really do like "from an occasion to occasional", definitely the strongest line in the stanza for me.

Thanks for the read