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SECOND EDIT
Ducks peck the water
Paddle in slush-iced pond
I crumble my sandwich for them.
I tried to use all your helpful advise. I really hope I improved this second edit :-)
FIRST EDIT
Ducks peck in the water
Paddle in slush-iced pond
I crumble up my sandwich.
What do you guys think? Did I manage do improve it or just screw it up? ;-)
-----
I tried to do a haiku, with an idea I got from a walk outside :-) I'm not quite sure if it's done right, though?
An April Stroll
Ducks peck in the pond
Paddle in slush-iced-water
I pour out my lunch.
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I couldn't resist this tiny edit....
Ducks peck in the pond
Paddle in slush-iced-water
My sandwich - their lunch.
Those greedy ducks 
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
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(04-11-2013, 09:15 AM)Volaticus Wrote: I tried to do a haiku, with an idea I got from a walk outside :-) I'm not quite sure if it's done right, though?
An April Stroll
Ducks peck in the pond
Paddle in slush-iced-water
I pour out my lunch.
a lot of action for a haiku, maybe a senryu?
milo
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(04-11-2013, 09:15 AM)Volaticus Wrote: I tried to do a haiku, with an idea I got from a walk outside :-) I'm not quite sure if it's done right, though?
An April Stroll
Ducks peck in the pond
Paddle in slush-iced-water
I pour out my lunch.
really solid effort, using a title is optional.
i'd suggest swapping pond and water round, that way the duck are pecking water and paddling in an iced pond. not sure slush is needed.
it seem soup is lunch but it feels a little ambiguous so why not say what it is,
coffee for lunch again
soup for lunch again the options are endless.
don't worry too much about 575
great effort
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(04-12-2013, 02:04 PM)billy Wrote: (04-11-2013, 09:15 AM)Volaticus Wrote: I tried to do a haiku, with an idea I got from a walk outside :-) I'm not quite sure if it's done right, though?
An April Stroll
Ducks peck in the pond
Paddle in slush-iced-water
I pour out my lunch.
really solid effort, using a title is optional.
i'd suggest swapping pond and water round, that way the duck are pecking water and paddling in an iced pond. not sure slush is needed.
it seem soup is lunch but it feels a little ambiguous so why not say what it is,
coffee for lunch again
soup for lunch again the options are endless.
don't worry too much about 575
great effort
Or maybe we have a nature loving drunkard. 
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Threads: 42
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(04-12-2013, 08:51 AM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote: I couldn't resist this tiny edit....
Ducks peck in the pond
Paddle in slush-iced-water
My sandwich - their lunch.
Those greedy ducks
Hi Amy,
I like your line much better than mine. I'll have to come up with a new line, though I am tempted to steal yours It was cute, in a humorous way 
(04-12-2013, 08:52 AM)milo Wrote: (04-11-2013, 09:15 AM)Volaticus Wrote: I tried to do a haiku, with an idea I got from a walk outside :-) I'm not quite sure if it's done right, though?
An April Stroll
Ducks peck in the pond
Paddle in slush-iced-water
I pour out my lunch.
a lot of action for a haiku, maybe a senryu?
milo
Hi milo,
Yeah, I see what you mean. I think I'll do some more reading on haikus and senryus then
(04-12-2013, 02:04 PM)billy Wrote: (04-11-2013, 09:15 AM)Volaticus Wrote: I tried to do a haiku, with an idea I got from a walk outside :-) I'm not quite sure if it's done right, though?
An April Stroll
Ducks peck in the pond
Paddle in slush-iced-water
I pour out my lunch.
really solid effort, using a title is optional.
i'd suggest swapping pond and water round, that way the duck are pecking water and paddling in an iced pond. not sure slush is needed.
it seem soup is lunch but it feels a little ambiguous so why not say what it is,
coffee for lunch again
soup for lunch again the options are endless.
don't worry too much about 575
great effort
Hi billy,
Thanks a lot for your critique and kind words
Great idea swapping water and pond! Makes much more sense that way.
About the slush: I wanted to give it a bit of humor. Can't quite decide if that's basis enough to keep the word slush.
And you're right. It has to be something concrete, in the last line. I'll work on that. Thanks, you've been very helpful
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I've posted my edit at the top
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The first two lines work better but I'm not keep on the last line. It's no worse than your first edit's last line, but it's as if you crumble up your sandwich to some effect - that then isn't explained. Perhaps play around with it again?
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
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(04-13-2013, 07:28 AM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote: The first two lines work better but I'm not keep on the last line. It's no worse than your first edit's last line, but it's as if you crumble up your sandwich to some effect - that then isn't explained. Perhaps play around with it again?
Hi Amy,
Thanks for the response Honestly, I thought that it was pretty clear, that me crumbling up my sandwich, meant that it was for the ducks. Those poor ducks in the cold water
Do you think that it was too vague, what I was trying to convey? If it is, then I'll give it another go
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I got the reason for crumbling the sandwich after a second. I might take out "up" on that line though? anyway I know next to nothing about haikus and won't pretend otherwise, but I enjoyed this a lot, so thanks for sharing.
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
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(04-11-2013, 09:15 AM)Volaticus Wrote: FIRST EDIT
Ducks peck in the water
Paddle in slush-iced pond
I crumble up my sandwich.
What do you guys think? Did I manage do improve it or just screw it up? ;-)
-----
I tried to do a haiku, with an idea I got from a walk outside :-) I'm not quite sure if it's done right, though?
An April Stroll
Ducks peck in the pond
Paddle in slush-iced-water
I pour out my lunch.
not too bad, i think you can remove 'in the'
the last line is more concrete now.
Posts: 280
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(04-13-2013, 09:04 AM)justcloudy Wrote: I got the reason for crumbling the sandwich after a second. I might take out "up" on that line though? anyway I know next to nothing about haikus and won't pretend otherwise, but I enjoyed this a lot, so thanks for sharing.
Hi cloudy,
I'm glad you enjoyed it I've also thought of taking out the "up" in that line. It seems a word too much. Thanks a lot for commenting
(04-13-2013, 09:07 AM)billy Wrote: (04-11-2013, 09:15 AM)Volaticus Wrote: FIRST EDIT
Ducks peck in the water
Paddle in slush-iced pond
I crumble up my sandwich.
What do you guys think? Did I manage do improve it or just screw it up? ;-)
-----
I tried to do a haiku, with an idea I got from a walk outside :-) I'm not quite sure if it's done right, though?
An April Stroll
Ducks peck in the pond
Paddle in slush-iced-water
I pour out my lunch.
not too bad, i think you can remove 'in the'
the last line is more concrete now.
Thanks About removing "in the".. "Ducks peck water" sounds a bit weird to me. Like it's the water they're interested in. But maybe that's just me I first thought of writing "ducks peck in water".
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what about
ducks peck the water
the 575 isn't writ in stone
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(04-21-2013, 01:31 PM)trueenigma Wrote: (04-11-2013, 09:15 AM)Volaticus Wrote: FIRST EDIT
Ducks peck in the water
Paddle in slush-iced pond
I crumble up my sandwich.
What do you guys think? Did I manage do improve it or just screw it up? ;-)
-----
I tried to do a haiku, with an idea I got from a walk outside :-) I'm not quite sure if it's done right, though?
An April Stroll
Ducks peck in the pond
Paddle in slush-iced-water
I pour out my lunch.
I toss in breadcrumbs
Thanks a lot for your suggestion I thought of that myself, but then ended up not using it.
(04-21-2013, 04:25 PM)billy Wrote: what about
ducks peck the water
the 575 isn't writ in stone
I like that. Thanks
I didn't know that the 575 wasn't written in stone. But now I know
I've edited again, hopefully you'll like
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yeah, still not keen on slush-iced though but that's okay 
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Yeah, I know you don't like that one. I just had to keep it
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I liked the last line and the poem as a whole. It's a cute concise poem. Could even be used in a photo, framed. bahaa.. but overall, pretty good!
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(04-29-2013, 08:27 AM)vtsai01 Wrote: I liked the last line and the poem as a whole. It's a cute concise poem. Could even be used in a photo, framed. bahaa.. but overall, pretty good!
Thanks
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Hi Volaticus,
I like this haiku, it manages to say quite a lot in those three lines.
Painting the scene, then with the second image a kind of hardship being portrayed, then counterbalanced with the human interaction in the form of kindness.
I was just wondering if you had any more haiku I'm trying to get more people writing in this forum. Or else there's just me all the time.
Thanks
AR
 wae aye man ye radgie
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