Poetry, My Ole Friend

[Zero]

Her tempting charm,
Her lustrous body,
Her soothing voice!
What better girl is there for me?
but my ole friend, poetry?

Dreadful and sleepness nights,
Hopeless and sickening!
All succumb to
the calming presence of poetry.

Regardless of emotions:
Acrimony, animosity,
Bliss or exultation,
Sorrow or affliction,
Apprehension or distress,
Desire or affection,
Poetry, to the bitter end!

My friend poetry,
Always knows what to say!
The right words seem to flow,
like a river after a storm.

Therefore,
what else is there for me to ask?
Nothing else, but poetry!
Ergo, my never ending love for her.

Oh, poetry, poetry!
How dear she is to me.


Original Poem:

Her tempting charm,
Her lustrous body,
Her soothing voice!
What better girl is there for me?
but my ole friend, poetry?

Dreadful and sleepness nights,
Hopeless and sickening!
All succumb to
the calming presence of poetry.

Regardless of emotions,
Be it animosity or acrimony,
Bliss or exultant,
Sorrow or affliction,
Apprehensive or distressed,
Love or affection,
Poetry, to the bitter end!

My friend poetry,
Always knows what to say!
The right words seem to flow,
like a river after a storm.

Therefore,
what else is there for me to ask?
Nothing else, but poetry!
Ergo, my never ending love for her.

Oh, poetry, poetry!
How dear she is to me.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

My only real critique is on this part -

Regardless of emotions,
Be it animosity or acrimony,
Bliss or exultant,
Sorrow or affliction,
Apprehensive or distressed,
Love or affection,
Poetry, to the bitter end!

I think it is too wordy - why not nervous or sad? Don't get rid of all of them, but it's a little overkill with all of these words in it.

[Zero]

It was on the top of my mind as I was thinking the poem through, I thought it added to the overall flow of the poem though?

[UnicornRainbowCake]

It was on the top of my mind as I was thinking the poem through, I thought it added to the overall flow of the poem though?

In a way, yes, and in a way, no. I think the actual words roll on the tongue well and it flows in that aspect, but some of your words like 'acrimony' don't necessarily have a direct impact and understanding for the reader, then they have to think about it, halting the flow...

I'm no etymologist, and it's perhaps just me that has to think about some of the words you've used, but that's just how my eyes have seen this.

It's a matter of balancing out the nicely flowing words and the understanding to get the perfect mix of both.

[Leanne]

Let's just look at the lines Amy mentioned, because there are a few problems with them. First and foremost, I think it's important to note that even though free verse doesn't adhere to any set structure, meter or rhyme, it should still be rhythmic in some way. Poetry (except some very specific kinds, like concrete poems) should always take sound into consideration as it is usually read aloud at some point. This stanza in particular lacks rhythm. It is jerky and difficult to read as it lacks what is commonly referred to as "flow" (I won't bore you with the technical terms ). Part of that is your changes from adjective to noun form and back again when you're describing emotional states -- it needs to be one or the other. My suggestion would be nouns as they sound better -- and with a little bit of tweaking to the words, this is what I had in mind:

Regardless of emotions:
Acrimony, animosity,
Bliss or exultation,
Sorrow or affliction,
Apprehension or distress,
Desire or affection,
Poetry, to the end!

"bitter end" is a terrible cliche, I'm afraid, and even with an exclamation point showing that it's a little bit tongue-in-cheek it falls flat. I changed "love" to "desire" for the sake of meter, and also because "love" is such a vague term. You could also use "in love", as that's a little bit more specific.

What's on the top of your mind might be -- and often is -- good to get down in a first draft, but after that the poem needs to be pruned to bring out its true shape. At some point, we all need to do what I call "killing the babies" -- no matter how attached you are to certain words and phrases, sometimes they're really just in the way.

[Zero]

Alright, first of all, thank you for the critiques, really appreciate them!

So, I do understand what you both mean, and have adapted/modified the poem accordingly.
Do forgive me though, as I would like to retain the "to the bitter end!" however cliche it might be, nonetheless, thank you guys for the feedback!