Just Another Day (first edit)

[Volaticus]

FIRST EDIT
Thanks for the comments to help me edit this I've edited the last stanza as it seemed to be the weakest part of the poem. I think it's improved, but I'd love to hear what you think

I saw the limping, old man;
His nose hairs longer than ever.
I saw the young girl with the green hair;
Retracted as always,
Under hood and headphones.
And I saw the impatient mother
With her crying baby in one arm,
And her restless Fluffy in the other.
Yes, everything was indeed as usual.

-----

This is a poem I first wrote in Danish, but I decided to translate it into English (not sure if it worked), as sort of an experiment. It's not quite finished, and I'm not sure if there's enough to build on, so I would love to hear what you guys think


I got on the bus today,
Found a vacant seat by the window
And sat myself down.

Everything was as usual.
The fog lay heavy,
And saturated the landscape with it’s gloom;
As in me.

The rain splashed down outside,
And people splashed around inside.
A flood of wind-blown and matted chaos;
As in me.

A stench filled the bus:
Wet dog fur and burnt coffee,
Old vomit and bad breath.
A stench of despair;
As in me.

I heard the noise from the traffic outside,
As it passed by with trailing lights
Of blurry whites and yellows.
I noticed the creaking of the bus inside,
And the loudly chatter
From old ladies’ gossiping,
In eager conversation about
Absolutely nothing.
Noise pollution;
As in me.

I saw the limping, old man,
I saw the young girl
With long, green hair,
I saw the impatient mother
With a crying baby in one arm,
And a restless dog in the other.
Yes, everything was indeed as usual.

[ESmith]

This is a very, very nice piece, particularly considering it was translated. I really like the concept, writing "as in me", bringing the bus and its journey and all its commuters and smells and sounds into the psyche of the narrator, showing how, in a way, he is his commute, with all it's chaos and boredom and sadness and predictability. My favorite part is about the old ladies' gossip being noise pollution. It's a seemingly harsh thing to say but personally I interpreted it as meaning not that real conversation is worthless, but rather that most of the talking within and around us is simply noise, drivel that stops us from thinking - and conversing - clearly and with purpose.

I would say that in the last verse, you may wish to add a line to just extra-emphasize that these are people you are used to seeing, for instance, if the limping old man always wore three pins in hit hat or the young girl always chose a certain seat or got on the stop after you, the behavior of the dog... whatever suits you, whatever applies, just something to really set the home-ish-ness, the familiarity of the setting.

With the last verse, my immediate reaction is that you should add in an 'as in me' or 'as in them', since this has been so continuous throughout, however, after thinking about it, I am unsure whether the poem overall suggests that this is both a familiar journey and a familiar state of being for the 'me', or whether this final verse is supposed to indicate a kind of checking of reality, that the 'me' is seeing things through this state of despair and misery, but is seeing the world continuing as normal.

But, overall, I absolutely love it

[Volaticus]

This is a very, very nice piece, particularly considering it was translated. I really like the concept, writing "as in me", bringing the bus and its journey and all its commuters and smells and sounds into the psyche of the narrator, showing how, in a way, he is his commute, with all it's chaos and boredom and sadness and predictability. My favorite part is about the old ladies' gossip being noise pollution. It's a seemingly harsh thing to say but personally I interpreted it as meaning not that real conversation is worthless, but rather that most of the talking within and around us is simply noise, drivel that stops us from thinking - and conversing - clearly and with purpose.

I would say that in the last verse, you may wish to add a line to just extra-emphasize that these are people you are used to seeing, for instance, if the limping old man always wore three pins in hit hat or the young girl always chose a certain seat or got on the stop after you, the behavior of the dog... whatever suits you, whatever applies, just something to really set the home-ish-ness, the familiarity of the setting.

With the last verse, my immediate reaction is that you should add in an 'as in me' or 'as in them', since this has been so continuous throughout, however, after thinking about it, I am unsure whether the poem overall suggests that this is both a familiar journey and a familiar state of being for the 'me', or whether this final verse is supposed to indicate a kind of checking of reality, that the 'me' is seeing things through this state of despair and misery, but is seeing the world continuing as normal.

But, overall, I absolutely love it

Hi ESmith,

I would like to thank you very much for all of your comments

"the concept, writing "as in me", bringing the bus and its journey and all its commuters and smells and sounds into the psyche of the narrator". That was exactly what I aimed for

I can see what you mean, with the last stanza, that it needs some more, to really depict the familiarity of it all. I think I can do that

The reason, I didn't add an "as in me" in the last stanza, was because in L4 I wrote "Everything was as usual." And then I thought it would be a good ending to the poem, if I used that line again, only emphasized with "indeed". But maybe that doesn't work as well as I thought. I'll have to give it some thinkin'.

Thanks again, and I'm glad to hear you liked it

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I think it's a really lovely poem, and I love the atmosphere of the rainy day, the bus, the busy people...

2 things though:

1. I'd say I got on the bus today, instead of I went. I went technically works, but it's not really the said thing and it detracts from the beauty of your poem.
2. 'As in me' communicates your point but I don't think it's correct, so to speak. I'm not an expert on this, but I don't know if you can actually say as in me. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds a bit awkward to me. I'm afraid I can't offer a better alternative either.

Only 2 little things though, and I find it very fitting I'm reading this while it's pouring down outside.

[Volaticus]

I think it's a really lovely poem, and I love the atmosphere of the rainy day, the bus, the busy people...

2 things though:

1. I'd say I got on the bus today, instead of I went. I went technically works, but it's not really the said thing and it detracts from the beauty of your poem.
2. 'As in me' communicates your point but I don't think it's correct, so to speak. I'm not an expert on this, but I don't know if you can actually say as in me. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds a bit awkward to me. I'm afraid I can't offer a better alternative either.

Only 2 little things though, and I find it very fitting I'm reading this while it's pouring down outside.

Hi Amy,
Once again, thanks a lot for the helpful comments
1. I got myself confused and wasn't sure whether 'went on' or 'got on' was the common word for it. Thanks for pointing it out, I will correct it in my next edit
2. That was the other thing, I got really confused over. 'As in me' sounds a bit weird to me, but like you, I just couldn't find out what would be a more fitting alternative :S

[Volaticus]

I've posted an edit at the top