Loveless edit 1

[WordsWorth]

(My first)...and now my first real edit based in suggestions. Thanks for all the great thoughts. Learning what true expression means is a journey for an old guy like me.

Loveless

Relentlessly, waves crash upon the rocks.
Where do you think sand comes from?
Castles; between your toes; in the bucket; in your eyes.

Uncompromisingly, storms assault the earth.
Where do you think rivers come from?
Rolling; restless; turbulent; churning.

Recklessly, fists bludgeon my soul.
Where do you think tears come from?
Painful; hurtful; cleansing; racking.

Furiously, heels thrash against my head.
Where do you think loveless comes from?
Solitary; crippling; dejected; alone.

Love.

Don't have it, don't want it, don't need it.

Waves; storms; fists; heels.
Beating me lovelessly.

[rowens]

Relentlessly, the waves beat upon the rocks.
Where to you think sand comes from?

Where do

Castles; between your toes; in the bucket; in your eyes.

Relentlessly, the rain beats against the earth.
Where do you think rivers come from?
Peaceful; raging; flooding; flowing.

Relentlessly, the fists beat upon my heart.
Where do you think tears come from?
Painful; hurtful; cleansing; racking.

Relentlessly, the heels beat against my head.
Where do you think loveless comes from?
Lonely; searing; lonely; lonely.

Loveless.

I don't have it.
I don't feel it.
I don't want it.

Loveless

Waves; rain; fists; feet.
Beating me lovelessly.

There's some understanding of conflicting adjectives. But not much is done with it. This seems like a decent enough area to launch into something better. Open up the feelings behind this, and make a better poem the next time. It might be getting there. Just not there yet.

[Ehud]

Relentlessly the words beat upon my brain.
Where do you think words come from?
Empty; useless; limp; annoying

This is very repeditive and predictable. It reminds me of children's songs: "The wheels on the bus go round and round...."
If the person speaking doesn't want it then why are they so "lonely...lonely; lonely" ?

If you are just dead set on this form perhaps you could at least swap out the two extra lonelys for something else.

[WordsWorth]

Thanks for the reviews.
Rowens...I'm a beginner...can you tell? Learning how to be honest with myself. Thanks for the encouragement.

Ehud. Your review was empty; useless; limp; annoying. Why so tough on a first timer? If you have something constructive, thanks for sharing. If you just want to be insulting, skip anything else I write. Oh...and by the way....repeTitive. Asshat.

[Keith]

(My first)

Loveless

Relentlessly, the waves beat upon the rocks.
Where to you think sand comes from? do ?
Castles; between your toes; in the bucket; in your eyes. like this line weird but strong images

Relentlessly, the rain beats against the earth.
Where do you think rivers come from?
Peaceful; raging; flooding; flowing.

Relentlessly, the fists beat upon my heart. heart sounds a bit corny
Where do you think tears come from?
Painful; hurtful; cleansing; racking.

Relentlessly, the heels beat against my head.
Where do you think loveless comes from?
Lonely; searing; lonely; lonely. the repetition spoils this line would follow your form
Loveless.

I don't have it.
I don't feel it.
I don't want it.

Loveless

Waves; rain; fists; feet.
Beating me lovelessly.

Hello Wordsworth I enjoyed your first. The line that stands out for me is the 3rd line of S1 if you could give us this imagery in the other Stanza's instead of the lists I think you would really improve your poem I have added some comment to areas you could also have a look at. TOMH

[Magpie]

Hi wordsworth,
I enjoyed your first poem on here, there is a lot of potential in this, I especially like the way that it has been constructed, I can tell that you have put a lot of thought into that aspect. But with that in mind I wondered why the last word of the second last line was "feet." when the progression looked as though it should have led to "heels"
Some more strong images would enhance the poem further, but as I said there is a lot of thought gone into it which is encouraging.
Cheers for the read.
AR

[WordsWorth]

THANKS to everyone for their thoughts and ideas. I clearly should have read the protocols for editing. All do better next time. For this one, first full edit looks like OP.
ww

[Pilgrim]

(My first)...and now my first real edit based in suggestions. Thanks for all the great thoughts. Learning what true expression means is a journey for an old guy like me.

Loveless

Relentlessly, waves crash upon the rocks.
Where do you think sand comes from?
Castles; between your toes; in the bucket; in your eyes.

Uncompromisingly, storms assault the earth.
Where do you think rivers come from?
Rolling; restless; turbulent; churning.

Recklessly, fists bludgeon my soul.
Where do you think tears come from?
Painful; hurtful; cleansing; racking.

Furiously, heels thrash against my head.
Where do you think loveless comes from?
Solitary; crippling; dejected; alone.

Love.

Don't have it, don't want it, don't need it.

Waves; storms; fists; heels.
Beating me lovelessly.

---

(My first)...and now my first real edit based in suggestions. Thanks for all the great thoughts. Learning what true expression means is a journey for an old guy like me.

Loveless

Relentlessly, waves crash upon the rocks.
Where do you think sand comes from?
Castles; between your toes; in the bucket; in your eyes.

Uncompromisingly, storms assault the earth.
Where do you think rivers come from?
Rolling; restless; turbulent; churning.

Recklessly, fists bludgeon my soul.
Where do you think tears come from?
Painful; hurtful; cleansing; racking.

Furiously, heels thrash against my head.
Where do you think loveless comes from?
Solitary; crippling; dejected; alone.

Love.

Don't have it, don't want it, don't need it.

Waves; storms; fists; heels.
Beating me lovelessly.

Hello, Wordsworth.

Clearly, your poem is about a soul, spirit, personality, in torment. I wondered just who was the intended recipient of this outpouring of emotion. A hurtful lover? Or perhaps a diary entry – where such painful emotions are often recorded for resolution’s sake.

I wondered about some of your metaphors and analogies. Fists (corporeal) bludgeoning soul (spiritual) worried me. As did heels thrashing against head – which made me wonder whether the narrator had suffered physical and well as emotional assault.

Your line: ‘Don't have it, don't want it, don't need it.’ sounded just a trifle petulant. And I think your poem sits on that precarious border between affront and self-pity.

Nevertheless, poetry is the ideal medium for expression, and indeed release, of emotion so long as the poet rather than the emotion is in control. There is some advice, somewhere, which suggests that we should always leave a space between the occurrence of an event and its expression in poetic form.

May I suggest that you put this piece as it stands in a bottom drawer and come back to it in three months?

Regards and best wishes.

Pilgrim.

[WordsWorth]

Pilgrim.
SPOT ON.
Thank you. You hit me like a hammer.