King of Abuse

[C.M.C.]

Hello everyone, I haven't posted in a while! I wrote this one last night and would like some critique for it. Enjoy!

King of Abuse
Oh I feel like the prince of abuse.
Can’t breathe, I’m hanging, but with no noose.
I’m held by my father of all lies.
The dreaded “love” is just one fake cry.
I now fear the moment we depart.
Every second I know it will start.
For I see it in the mountain view.
Even furthest oracles come true.

Caressing me with “love,” so I thought,
He throws me out. I was with jumbled lots.
As I fend from night and it’s gashes.
I dream of dancing on his ashes.
I can see a guardian sweep in.
But you can’t even trust your dear twin.
And so I fly back to the nest.
It appears I’ve failed even this test.

Truly this night is of my own hell.
Did I fall myself? or did he too help.
Now mother’s wings turn me back around.
Back to these corpses of past I have found.
No harmony left. snakes in the pit.
The king of abuse throws me in shit.
And when I feel like it is the end,
the king starts the cycle again.

Revision One
I feel like the prince of abuse.
Can’t breathe, hanging, but with no noose.
Held by my father of all lies;
the dreaded “love” is one fake cry.
I fear the moment we depart.
Each second I know it will start.
Caressing me with “love,” I thought,
He throws me out with jumbled lots.

I live through night and it’s gashes.
dreaming to dance on his ashes.
I see a guardian sweep in.
But I can’t trust my dear twin.
Mother’s wings turn me back around;
back to these corpses I have found.
And when I feel it is the end,
the king starts the cycle again.

[NakedBear]

Content wise, I thing there's enough here to make a compelling piece. A couple thoughts: the connection of the speaker to the father of lies has a definite religious meaning. Is it completely metaphorical, or could you hint at it being literal. That'd amuse me.

Oh I feel like the prince of abuse.
Can’t breathe, I’m hanging, but with no noose.
I’m held by my father of all lies.
The dreaded “love” is just one fake cry.
I now fear the moment we depart.
Every second I know it will start.
For I see it in the mountain view. This line and the next need context - what moutain, what view? You could safely take them out.
Even furthest oracles come true.

Caressing me with “love,” so I thought,
He throws me out. I was with jumbled lots.
As I fend from night and it’s gashes.
I dream of dancing on his ashes.
I can see a guardian sweep in.
But you can’t even trust your dear twin. This line and the previous seem connected. Instead of a period, maybe a semi-colon. Also, whose twin is it? The speakers
And so I fly back to the nest.
It appears I’ve failed even this test. test? a word that doesn't fit that well with the stanza, so I think you're merely servicing your rhyme

Truly this night is of my own hell.
Did I fall myself? or did he too help.
Now mother’s wings turn me back around.
Back to these corpses of past I have found. What corpses of the past. I thought we were in the present.
No harmony left. snakes in the pit. are snakes in the pit connected with disharmony? I don't see it. I thought snakes get along fairly well.
The king of abuse throws me in shit.
And when I feel like it is the end,
the king starts the cycle again.

You should pay more attention to meter/rhythm. There's some talk of that in the Poetry Practice forum. Also, many of your prepositions (i.e., 'and' 'of' 'or' 'from' etc.) seem incorrect.

Still, I think you can nicely tighten this up, while making it's characters more vivid.

[C.M.C.]

Edited, thank you NakedBear

[Zerric]

Er...i'm sorry...but all i could think about while reading this was Vampire bats. I mean its very suggestive of dealing with bats. Hanging, mountain view, thrown out in jumbled lots, a guardian flies in (there's a movie about owls), fly back to the nest, etc. etc. anyway...my deeper analysis:

King of Abuse
Oh I feel like the prince of abuse.
Can’t breathe, I’m hanging, but with no noose.
I’m held by my father of all lies. father of all lies? like your biggest lie or an actual reference to your father, the king of abuse? It feels a bit weird to me.
The dreaded “love” is just one fake cry.
I now fear the moment we depart.
Every second I know it will start.
For I see it in the mountain view.
Even furthest oracles come true. Oracles aren't really visions of the future. They're the people who tell the future.

Caressing me with “love,” so I thought, Isn't it already known that this love is fake, and is dreaded? Why would you think he would caress you with love then?
He throws me out. I was with jumbled lots.
As I fend from night and it’s gashes.
I dream of dancing on his ashes.
I can see a guardian sweep in.
But you can’t even trust your dear twin. -.- I'm a twin. I don't like this line.
And so I fly back to the nest.
It appears I’ve failed even this test.

Truly this night is of my own hell.
Did I fall myself? or did he too help.
Now mother’s wings turn me back around.
Back to these corpses of past I have found. Cuz the past is dead to you??
No harmony left. snakes in the pit. I think you mean that it looks unharmonious, right? True, snakes get along well, but it just looks messy.
The king of abuse throws me in shit.
And when I feel like it is the end,
the king starts the cycle again.

Its a good poem, but its hard to find a good flow while reading. Helps if you use punctuation to indicate where you want pauses in the flow. Also it doesn't seem like your the prince of abuse...more like the prince of being abused...just saying.

[C.M.C.]

Thanks for the thoughts Zerric! (and I'm a twin too!) But that was the first draft. I made a revision below.

[Zerric]

Thanks for the thoughts Zerric! (and I'm a twin too!) But that was the first draft. I made a revision below.

Right...I didn't see that now i feel stupid...hold on...

I live through night and it’s gashes. I live through night, and its gashes, (no apostrophe, and i feel there needs to be a pause after night)
dreaming to dance on his ashes. dreaming to dance upon his ashes. (add an extra syllable to make up for the pause)
I see a guardian sweep in.
But I can’t trust my dear twin.
Mother’s wings turn me back around;
back to these corpses I have found.
And when I feel it is the end,
the king starts the cycle again.

This is much better. Its much sharper, and flows much smoother.