After Class

[billy]

Miss Bennett taught me English and sex.
Education wasn't a good skin for me to wear,
my English teacher was; she spoke poetry
to my cock, it didn't matter what words she uttered
only how she twisted her tongue around the vowels.
I'd never seen live-in-the-real-world tits.
Before her it was underwear in the Littlewoods catalogue
and the nubs of Mary Greenhill in the sewer pipes
of the new housing estate near Manor avenue.
Miss Bennett called me her novice at first
then begged like a yorkie at feeding time.
For me; She was smoked salmon sandwiches
and high class weed. The end came quick,
quicker than a choirboy in a conclave of cardinals.
Caught stoking her daughter's bread oven,
my extra curricular activity was cut off
before I had chance to meet her mother.

---

first edit thanks to all who gave suggestions and feedback.

original

After Class

Miss Bennett taught me English and sex.
Education wasn't a good skin for me to wear.
My English teacher was, she spoke poetry
to my cock; it mattered not what words were uttered,
only how she twisted her tongue round the vowels.
I'd never seen live-in-the-real-world tits.
Before her it was underwear in the Littlewoods catalogue
and the nubs of Mary Greenhill in the sewer pipes
of the new housing estate near Manor avenue.
Bennett called me her novice at first, then begged
for me. She was smoked salmon sandwiches
and high class weed. The end came quick,
quicker than a choirboy in a conclave of cardinals.
Caught stoking her daughter's bread oven,
my extra curricular activity was cut off.

[Smiffy]

I've always enjoyed, nay loved poems that hark back to the days of someones youth, more so when it involves a shared expereience. My love ,obsession call it what you will was Miss Chorleton who as you can guess has been subject to a poem from me. the shopping catalougue reference brought a smile too.
Nothing major to quibble about from me other than the dropping of Miss from the second mention of her name.I can see several reasons for it but my main feeling is it takes her from an subject of adoration to just another teacher, maybe it is intended to show a shift in perception.
enjoyed, ummmmmm Miss Chorleton.....thanks for the mammaries

[billy]

i left out the miss because i'd already used it once but i think you're right it should be miss bennett.
thanks for the stop by

[Smiffy]

i left out the miss because i'd already used it once but i think you're right it should be miss bennett.
thanks for the stop by

I guessed that may have been one reason, also I know my reply does maybe not qualify as a serious critique, more thoughts later when I get home.

[milo]

Miss Bennett taught me English and sex.
Education wasn't a good skin for me to wear.
My English teacher was, she spoke poetry this sentence just doesn't make sense
to my cock; it mattered not what words were uttered, it mattered not is archaic it didn't matter and you have no excuse as there is no rhyme or meter here, she uttered is better than were uttered (active vs passive)
only how she twisted her tongue round the vowels. why "round" instead of "around"?
I'd never seen live-in-the-real-world tits.
Before her it was underwear in the Littlewoods catalogue
and the nubs of Mary Greenhill in the sewer pipes
of the new housing estate near Manor avenue.
Bennett called me her novice at first, then begged this transition seems a little awkward and "all tell, no show"
for me. She was smoked salmon sandwiches
and high class weed. The end came quick,
quicker than a choirboy in a conclave of cardinals. if this means what I think it does, I must issue a alert
Caught stoking her daughter's bread oven,
my extra curricular activity was cut off.

thanks for the read

[billy]

i'll have a dabble using some of your feedback later thanks for the input.

[Todd]

Miss Bennett taught me English and sex. --Great opening line. It flows nicely from the title.
Education wasn't a good skin for me to wear.
My English teacher was, she spoke poetry--These two lines feel like a punctuation issue. I like line 2 but maybe you want to end it with either a semicolon or add a comma if you add "but" on the next line. You would want a hard stop (period) after was and then capitalize She. Maybe that would smooth it out some.
to my cock; it mattered not what words were uttered,--The syntax of the second phrase is awkward. Maybe something more simple going into how words didn't matter. Look for more direct phrasing
only how she twisted her tongue round the vowels.--you may want an apostrophe before 'round. I like that its vowels. It fits really well with the scene.
I'd never seen live-in-the-real-world tits.
Before her it was underwear in the Littlewoods catalogue--I don't know if you need the her
and the nubs of Mary Greenhill in the sewer pipes
of the new housing estate near Manor avenue.
Bennett called me her novice at first, then begged
for me. She was smoked salmon sandwiches
and high class weed. The end came quick,--I liked the smoked salmon weed part. I think I'd like to see that content before the novice line. The begged for more should probably be shown in some way rather than just told
quicker than a choirboy in a conclave of cardinals.
Caught stoking her daughter's bread oven,
my extra curricular activity was cut off.--The last line can work. I think where I had issue was from the end came quick and down. It felt a bit rushed. Those are the lines I'd mostly look at upon revision. How to end this one. Maybe try to allude back to the beginning somehow.

Just thoughts,

Todd

[shemthepenman]

ok, i can't give a line by line [todd's on its case], but fuck me I love this one! oh, and I have previously said I hate the word 'tits' but here it is so perfectly timed and just great. oh fuck, and the littlewoods ref. is just perfect! and 'embarrassingly' perfect likewise

my only, dare i say, 'issue' is that it is possibly a little too prosaic. I was thinking it need not have line breaks. but, I will have to look over it again, so don't take this as read.

[billy]

Miss Bennett taught me English and sex. --Great opening line. It flows nicely from the title.
Education wasn't a good skin for me to wear.
My English teacher was, she spoke poetry--These two lines feel like a punctuation issue. I like line 2 but maybe you want to end it with either a semicolon or add a comma if you add "but" on the next line. You would want a hard stop (period) after was and then capitalize She. Maybe that would smooth it out some.
to my cock; it mattered not what words were uttered,--The syntax of the second phrase is awkward. Maybe something more simple going into how words didn't matter. Look for more direct phrasing
only how she twisted her tongue round the vowels.--you may want an apostrophe before 'round. I like that its vowels. It fits really well with the scene.
I'd never seen live-in-the-real-world tits.
Before her it was underwear in the Littlewoods catalogue--I don't know if you need the her
and the nubs of Mary Greenhill in the sewer pipes
of the new housing estate near Manor avenue.
Bennett called me her novice at first, then begged
for me. She was smoked salmon sandwiches
and high class weed. The end came quick,--I liked the smoked salmon weed part. I think I'd like to see that content before the novice line. The begged for more should probably be shown in some way rather than just told
quicker than a choirboy in a conclave of cardinals.
Caught stoking her daughter's bread oven,
my extra curricular activity was cut off.--The last line can work. I think where I had issue was from the end came quick and down. It felt a bit rushed. Those are the lines I'd mostly look at upon revision. How to end this one. Maybe try to allude back to the beginning somehow.

Just thoughts,

Todd

thanks oh wise one, i'll do an edit this afternoon. Ll2 was meant to be ended with a comma but what happened is this, after writing it i did a two or three times scan of it and just saw the cap M on the next line. it was automatic of me to end the previous line with a period i'l sort that out. i'll also take heed of the points you made. thanks for the feedback Todd.

---

ok, i can't give a line by line [todd's on its case], but fuck me I love this one! oh, and I have previously said I hate the word 'tits' but here it is so perfectly timed and just great. oh fuck, and the littlewoods ref. is just perfect! and 'embarrassingly' perfect likewise

my only, dare i say, 'issue' is that it is possibly a little too prosaic. I was thinking it need not have line breaks. but, I will have to look over it again, so don't take this as read.

not an excuse but i purposely used periods mid sentence for effect. i'm sure that could be redone, but i'd like to mull it over for a while.

thanks for the comment shem

[popeye]

Thanks for a most enjoyable read billy, funny and witty, had me cackling for ages! To me it reads fine, as I think Todd and milo's critiques are pertinent I can't think of any more to add except that if 'Littlewoods' and Smoked salmon sandwiches were intended as entendres they worked for me! Also Greenhill and sewer pipes worked as a combination. Delightfully irreverent. Cheers mate

[Heartafire]

It seems this has been covered critique-wise. Its rather innocent bawdiness is amusing (to put it mildly) and highly entertaining. Thanks for the fun.
Heart

[billy]

thanks for the last three pieces of feedback, i've done some work on an edit and have placed it in the opening post.

[Todd]

Like the edit, a couple minor suggestions:

Miss Bennett taught me English and sex.
Education wasn't a good skin for me to wear,
my English teacher was; she spoke poetry
to my cock, it didn't matter what words she uttered
only how she twisted her tongue around the vowels.
I'd never seen live-in-the-real-world tits.
Before her it was underwear in the Littlewoods catalogue
and the nubs of Mary Greenhill in the sewer pipes
of the new housing estate near Manor avenue.
Miss Bennett called me her novice at first
then begged like a yorkie at feeding time.
For me; She was smoked salmon sandwiches--you could cut For me
and high class weed. The end came quick,--you could cut quick and the comma. It might be better with the break on came, and the quick repetition doesn't buy you much
quicker than a choirboy in a conclave of cardinals.
Caught stoking her daughter's bread oven,
my extra curricular activity was cut off
before I had chance to meet her mother.

Nice ending.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Miss Bennett taught me English and sex.
Education wasn't a good skin for me to wear,
my English teacher was; she spoke poetry
to my cock, it didn't matter what words she uttered
only how she twisted her tongue around the vowels.
I'd never seen live-in-the-real-world tits.
Before her it was underwear in the Littlewoods catalogue
and the nubs of Mary Greenhill in the sewer pipes
of the new housing estate near Manor avenue.
Miss Bennett called me her novice at first
then begged like a yorkie at feeding time.
For me; She was smoked salmon sandwiches
and high class weed. The end came quick,
quicker than a choirboy in a conclave of cardinals.
Caught stoking her daughter's bread oven,
my extra curricular activity was cut off
before I had chance to meet her mother.

---

first edit thanks to all who gave suggestions and feedback.

original

After Class

Miss Bennett taught me English and sex.
Education wasn't a good skin for me to wear.
My English teacher was, she spoke poetry
to my cock; it mattered not what words were uttered,
only how she twisted her tongue round the vowels.
I'd never seen live-in-the-real-world tits.
Before her it was underwear in the Littlewoods catalogue
and the nubs of Mary Greenhill in the sewer pipes
of the new housing estate near Manor avenue.
Bennett called me her novice at first, then begged
for me. She was smoked salmon sandwiches
and high class weed. The end came quick,
quicker than a choirboy in a conclave of cardinals.
Caught stoking her daughter's bread oven,
my extra curricular activity was cut off.

She was a poor English teacher
Yes to this,billy, but with some reservations. I have trouble with the skin of education and the skin of Miss Bennet being used as comparitive terms in a wearability discussion. And you were a bottle baby....ah, how quickly we forget!
Note "quickly"....not "quick".
Apart from that....yes, it flies.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

when i say skin for me to wear. i meant her belly was a good place for a lodger, she was good to hang out of

i like quickly and some of the other suggestions, i think it needs one more edit which i'll do later today based on some of the new suggestions.

thanks to all who helped for the all the input