The Path I Could Have Walked

[Zerric]

As I traverse, the confines of my mind,
The crossroads of memories, and thoughts,
Through the darkness I'm surprised to find,
The Path I could have walked,

The way is lit, the route is shown,
The road: laid with bricks of gold,
And I would not have to walk alone,
As I did those lonely roads,

Parallel, they stretch, the road i chose,
And the road that i could've walked,
it seems i chose, the thorns, not the rose,
And now the rose, to me, is blocked...

Around the world, In the pouring rain,
And now I've come back home,
I'll subdue my grief and pain,
And walk the path that's mine alone.

[Todd]

Hi Zerric,

A couple comments for you:

I don't think you need your first stanza at all. It's too static, all in the mind. The title gets you there I think.

I'm also not fond of the self-conscious lowercase i. It draws too much attention to itself.

And now the rose, to me, is blocked...

Should be, and now the rose is blocked to me. Better to lose the rhyme if you have to torture the syntax to accommodate it.

All that said, I like a lot of this, but it has issues that detract from my enjoyment.

Best,

Todd

As I traverse, the confines of my mind,
The crossroads of memories, and thoughts,
Through the darkness I'm surprised to find,
The Path I could have walked,

The way is lit, the route is shown,
The road: laid with bricks of gold,
And I would not have to walk alone,
As I did those lonely roads,

Parallel, they stretch, the road i chose,
And the road that i could've walked,
it seems i chose, the thorns, not the rose,
And now the rose, to me, is blocked...

Around the world, In the pouring rain,
And now I've come back home,
I'll subdue my grief and pain,
And walk the path that's mine alone.

[albino-rino-5000]

I'd have to disagree with Todd, I mean the first stanza definitely sets up a sort of ominous theme to the poem, and technically it sets up the poem so that the path is in the mind and is figurative, without it the path would be literal and lose some of its luster.

As I traverse, the confines of my mind,
The crossroads of memories, and thoughts,
Through the darkness I'm surprised to find,
The Path I could have walked,

The way is lit, the route is shown,
The road: laid with bricks of gold,
And I would not have to walk alone,
As I did those lonely roads,

Parallel, they stretch, the road i chose,
And the road that i could've walked,
it seems i chose, the thorns, not the rose,
And now the rose, to me, is blocked...

Around the world, In the pouring rain,
And now I've come back home,
I'll subdue my grief and pain,
And walk the path that's mine alone.

[Sam33lynn]

I too liked the first stanza of this piece. I think it sets up the tone for the rest of the poem. Overall, I liked it, especially the rose in the third stanza.

[Zerric]

Thanks for the comments everyone, I guess I'll be keeping the first stanza.

Todd, I'm sorry...those 'i' s were not intentional...must have slipped through my proofreading
I dunno about changing the 3rd line in the 3rd stanza like that. Rhyme has always been an important part of poetry for me. I mean, the meaning comes across, right? I know the sentence structure is twisted, but the line itself is understandable, and i'd like to keep the rhyme.

[billy]

the idea is not to comment on a comment but to comment on the poem, what i see is people reading the feedback then leaving a comment on the feedback.

---

the 1st stanza feels almost redundant, and too telly. the 1st line of the 2nd stanza really sets the poem up( like a metaphoric candle in the mind)
it's very wordy in places with too much repetition. road/chose/path/walk/alone, all wasted text. at present the poem is very tell, use some images. the laid with bricks of gold is an image, but it's also a very cliche and common phrase.

[YaMarVa]

Enjoyable poem to read and then consider.

I also think the first stanza is not needed. It was my first idea for comment ahead of reading any of the other reviews.
The poem itself, and the title, describe the scene of the poem well enough, so the first stanza becomes redundant.
But also, by removing the first stanza you remove the impersonal "I" and the thoughts of you, the writer’s mind, from the poem and thus making it more personal to the reader.


DGT

[Zerric]

Every time I read it without the first stanza, it feels so headless to me.
And the bricks of gold is supposed to represent the fact that the road leads to what I want. Like in Oz, you know?

Thanks for the critique, I'll keep it in mind when I write again

[billy]

it can be very hard as the poet to see the wood for the trees, we see what we write as our children as good stuff etc.

the bricks of gold like oz, and the streets of gold in dick Whittington is a strong cliche, and because of it we knew too easily or to obviously.

no one is saying remove the 1st stanza, they or should i say 'I' am saying it's redundant, it just gives more of what's all ready in the poem and in a very telly way. try changing it or just leave it as is, the choice is yours, up till now you accept that other than a bit of punctuation the poem is nigh on perfect or good enough to be presented as is, that's fine but there'll come a time when you look back on this poem and see instantly, it was written by someone who was on the first steps of learning to be a poet, let's call these steps, the steps of denial, i've been on them, as have most poets. we all have to climb over them, now don't think i'm attacking the poet here, i'm just pointing out what effect the poem and the poet's feedback (yours) has on me the reader.