Xmas senryu

[benthejack]

Jesus born for us -
Each year's birthday spectacle
A cruel punishment.

[billy]

nice twist.
id have puty 'was a" in front of birthday spectacle and removed 'feels like'
in order to create the cut i'd also remove the ?

[Hurst]

Jesus born for us?
birthday spectacle feels like
A cruel punishment.

I'd capitalise 'birthday' and maybe tweak 'cruel punishment.' Who is being punished? Jesus or us? Maybe alter slightly to add depth of understanding. 'Joke to a dead man'? Or something else... It's getting a bit late for thinking properly.

Maybe you wanted that line to be ambiguous. Whichever the case, I liked it. Your poem has an underlying resentment that's quite endearing.

[benthejack]

nice twist.
id have puty 'was a" in front of birthday spectacle and removed 'feels like'
in order to create the cut i'd also remove the ?

huh cheers, I gave it a fiddle.. hopefully improved.

Jesus born for us?
birthday spectacle feels like
A cruel punishment.

I'd capitalise 'birthday' and maybe tweak 'cruel punishment.' Who is being punished? Jesus or us? Maybe alter slightly to add depth of understanding. 'Joke to a dead man'? Or something else... It's getting a bit late for thinking properly.

Maybe you wanted that line to be ambiguous. Whichever the case, I liked it. Your poem has an underlying resentment that's quite endearing.

haha yeah it's probably one of those ironic cruel punishments for him too! I bet he would cringe at the whole thing, like the irony of capitalistic consumer sales of Che Guevara goods.

[Hurst]

"...like the irony of capitalistic consumer sales of Che Guevara goods."

I've never really thought about how much he'd hate that. He'd be turning in his grave. There's a poem in there...