Tinnitus

[George]

The car rubbing rubber against
The wet asphalt,
A relentless activity
Until finally – fire.

A billion babies
Screeching for their mothers,
Their minute legs kicking
For the milk from their bosoms.

The distant whistle of a man
slicing the silence like a sharp
calling out for the dog he never had.

The wind laughs at a joke
until it runs out of breathe,
Stops to inhale,
Then laughs again.

Sweat in form of drops,
Drip on my bed sheets,
And I find myself . . .
Humming along.

[Erthona]

Well George,

That seems like a poem to me

I'm not sure all of it describes Tinnitus well, but then again I don't have it, although I've people who were close to me who did.

A "minute" is composed of sixty seconds. That second stanza seems a tad hyperbolic, and doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the stanzas/images.

This is a fine image, but could probably made clearer and more readable.

"The whistle of a man,
A sharp knife slicing the silence,
Calling out in the distance for
The dog he never had."

The distant whistle of a man
slicing the silence like a sharp
calling out for the dog he never had.

____________________________________
"The wind laughs at the joke
until it runs out of breathe,
Stops to inhale,
Then laughs again."

"a joke" would probably work better here, unless you mean the dogless man is the joke, and then I still think "a joke" works better. It's really a needless invention to connect the joke to the other stanza.
__________________________________

Purely a personal preference, but on the last stanza if you are going to use ellipsis I might put it between "humming" and "along", to create a caesura between the two, a pregnant pause, so to speak


Best,



dale

[John Galt]

The car rubbing rubber against
The wet asphalt,
A relentless activity
Until finally – fire.

George my first thought was that "fire" is usually made from "rubbing"
dry things together. Did you have "wet" in there for the imagery or was it to give the "noise" that a sufferer may
hear? if so, does the same noise not come from "asphalt" in its dry state.

A billion babies
Screeching for their mothers,
Their minute legs kicking
For the milk from their bosoms.

The arrangement of the lines make it seem as if the "legs" are" asking for the milk so to speak, maybe L 3 could be L2. The modifier "minute" could go for me. There is some padding within this verse that could be cut.

The whistle of a man,
A sharp knife slicing the silence,
Calling out in the distance for
The dog he never had.

Calling out in the distance for
The dog he never had.
The above lines were the only ones that came over as too abstract for me to grasp their meaning within the context of "tinnitus".

The wind laughs at the joke
until it runs out of breathe,
Stops to inhale,
Then laughs again.

Sweat in form of drops,
Drip on my bed sheets,
And I find myself
Humming along . . .

Does tinnitus cause a sufferer to sweat?.

George I really enjoyed this poem. some great imagery and sound.
JG

[George]

Does tinnitus cause a sufferer to sweat?.

George I really enjoyed this poem. some great imagery and sound.
JG

Makes me sweat, i dont know about others. I guess I haven't gotten used to it yet. thanks!

---

Well George,

That seems like a poem to me

I'm not sure all of it describes Tinnitus well, but then again I don't have it, although I've people who were close to me who did.

A "minute" is composed of sixty seconds. That second stanza seems a tad hyperbolic, and doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the stanzas/images.

This is a fine image, but could probably made clearer and more readable.

"The whistle of a man,
A sharp knife slicing the silence,
Calling out in the distance for
The dog he never had."

The distant whistle of a man
slicing the silence like a sharp
calling out for the dog he never had.

____________________________________
"The wind laughs at the joke
until it runs out of breathe,
Stops to inhale,
Then laughs again."

"a joke" would probably work better here, unless you mean the dogless man is the joke, and then I still think "a joke" works better. It's really a needless invention to connect the joke to the other stanza.
__________________________________

Purely a personal preference, but on the last stanza if you are going to use ellipsis I might put it between "humming" and "along", to create a caesura between the two, a pregnant pause, so to speak


Best,



dale

Thanks for the advice, I mean it. I'm just starting out on poetry and I do not know how to revise it one bit. I know the imagery sound a little off from what Tinnitus really sounds like, but that was my best take on the description.

Minute (My Nuite) is another way of saying really small, the interpretation might be a little confusing.

Otherwise solid criticism all around

[Erthona]

"Minute (My Nuite) is another way of saying really small, the interpretation might be a little confusing."

Sorry, my mistake, for some reason I was thinking they were spelled differently. I blame my dyslexia..although it's probably the drugs.

dale