Excursion

[71degrees]

There is no sadder song
than a two-lane highway

imagining lost loves standing
on its soft shoulders.

[MadelineAnne]

There is no sadder song
than a two-lane highway

imagining lost loves standing
on its soft shoulders.

Hi 71degrees. I think that you should include some kind of auditory element into the last three lines since you say it is a sad song. The rest is visual and tactile images, which are great, but I think you also need to include a sound to make the first line work.

I also think that you could do more to incorporate the feeling of melancholy into your title. You could also use the title to say something about the driver or listening.

Hope this helps,

MadelineAnne

[71degrees]

There is no sadder song
than a two-lane highway

imagining lost loves standing
on its soft shoulders.

Hi 71degrees. I think that you should include some kind of auditory element into the last three lines since you say it is a sad song. The rest is visual and tactile images, which are great, but I think you also need to include a sound to make the first line work.

I also think that you could do more to incorporate the feeling of melancholy into your title. You could also use the title to say something about the driver or listening.

Hope this helps,

MadelineAnne

I think you're probably right. Trying to keep it in the "short form poetry" forum, Madeline. I love minimal form. Will reevaluate.

Thanks.

[RiverNotch]

There is no sadder song
than a two-lane highway

imagining lost loves standing Going with an earlier crit, I think the thought behind "imagining" is song enough, but then there is something about plain "imagining" that flatlines the piece -- both the rhythm and the repeat-gerund, maybe. Perhaps "spinning lost loves / on its soft shoulders."
on its soft shoulders.

[ellajam]

Carrying or something that means that might be nice. Imagining has that dreaming quality to it, a word many find too soft, too abstract and nonspecfic (a road doesn't imagine though in a poem it might ) but I sort of like it, though I think when I replace one of those with something sharper it tightens the piece up a bit. We need a shrugging smilie. Hi, 71.

While I'm here, there are so many options for standing, it's an interesting choice to think about. Strong image with a lot of emotion under the simplicity.