Bath Time

[Wonderfullife]

I wrote this poem just for fun. Many poems I read deal with very serious stuff. I thought it is a good idea to do something lighter.
The rhyme took on 'a mind of its own' leading the poem in directions I did not plan in advance.
Maybe, that's part of the fun of poetry.

Bath Time
    
Ah, a bath.
Turn on the tap
later a nap
Then to dine
Maybe have some wine
let the mind wander,
To places, here, there and yonder.
To momentarily feel
Memories so fine
You wish you could
Go backward in time.
Remembering:
Seeing the farmer saying the hay
Watching the mother baking all day
Listening to water splashing onto rocks
Seeing big boats pulling into square docks. .
Gazing at goldsmiths fixing a clock
Staring at stockbrokers counting their stock
Looking at goods I wish I could pawn
Awed at fog hiding the dawn
Shocked at stars twinkling so bright
Squinting at summer sunsets sublime
Having a good time all of the time.

[Donald Q.]

I wrote this poem just for fun. Many poems I read deal with very serious stuff. I thought it is a good idea to do something lighter.
The rhyme took on 'a mind of its own' leading the poem in directions I did not plan in advance.
Maybe, that's part of the fun of poetry.  That is DEFINITELY a fun part of poetry. Often good poetry comes out of tangents and meanderings.  I'd say you've uncovered some fun ideas in your meandering, but I think maybe you should rewrite your poem around some of the images from the second half, and maybe either get rid of the introduction, or change it so they are more linked. 

Bath Time
    
Ah, a bath.
Turn on the tap
later a nap  
Then to dine
Maybe have some wine 
let the mind wander,
To places, here, there and yonder.
To momentarily feel
Memories so fine
You wish you could
Go backward in time.
Remembering: To me it feels the poem starts in earnest here. The preceding section is not really needed, and contains some slightly naff rhymes.
Seeing the farmer saying the hay
Watching the mother baking all day
Listening to water splashing onto rocks
Seeing big boats pulling into square docks. .
Gazing at goldsmiths fixing a clock
Staring at stockbrokers counting their stock I think you can just have 'at brokers counting their stock' 
Looking at goods I wish I could pawn
Awed at fog hiding the dawn 
Shocked at stars twinkling so bright
Squinting at summer sunsets sublime
Having a good time all of the time.  Not sure about this ending. 

[dukealien]

I wrote this poem just for fun. Many poems I read deal with very serious stuff. I thought it is a good idea to do something lighter.
The rhyme took on 'a mind of its own' leading the poem in directions I did not plan in advance.
Maybe, that's part of the fun of poetry.

Bath Time
    
Ah, a bath. I find this line hard to read aloud (or with lips moving).  "First, a hot bath?"
Turn on the tap
later a nap
Then to dine "Then on to dine?"
Maybe have some wine  "Perhaps have some wine?"
let the mind wander,
To places, here, there and yonder.
To momentarily feel
Memories so fine  If this could be rewritten to match rhythm with the previous line, it would be great fun.
You wish you could  [see below]
Go backward in time.  comma instead of period here?
Remembering:
Seeing the farmer saying the hay  not familiar with this expression - "saving" or "laying" vs. "saying?"
Watching the mother baking all day
Listening to water splashing onto rocks reads well as "List'ning" - could it be "Listen?"  also "splash onto" or "splasing on?"
Seeing big boats pulling into square docks. .
Gazing at goldsmiths fixing a clock
Staring at stockbrokers counting their stock
Looking at goods I wish I could pawn
Awed at fog hiding the dawn
Shocked at stars twinkling so bright  a better word than "twinkling" - blazing or scattered?
Squinting at summer sunsets sublime
Having a good time all of the time.  "Having good times... ?"

In basic critique, all of the above are suggestions only.  It's a wistful, occasionally funny poem.  Many of the lines have a strong, similar rhythm (almost meter) and others diverge, often without a purpose I could see (for example, water on rocks is a good divergence, as is fixing a clock - appropriate jumble in the first, pause to stare in the other).  "Squinting at summer..." has nice alliteration but sags after "summer" - the break there is not as useful (as I read it).

"You wish you could" is the only place this construction is used, so a little jarring ("I wish I could" would be even more so).   Perhaps rebalance with the following line, "Wishing to go/backward in time" to preserve the masked/deniable first person that could arguable third person?

The combination of free verse with frequent end-rhymes is unusual (in my limited experience) but is probably better - especially in a nostalgic poem like this - than forcing end-rhymes or fixed meter.  A rewrite is in order, seeing how this evolved from beginning to end (presumably) as it was written.  Now rewrite it backwards so beginning and end match, finishing up with a new (or now more appropriate) title?

Have fun!

P.S. Beginning each line with a capital letter regardless of sentence structure is discommended on this site, though I personally see little wrong with it.

[JaredEggo]

I wrote this poem just for fun. Many poems I read deal with very serious stuff. I thought it is a good idea to do something lighter.
The rhyme took on 'a mind of its own' leading the poem in directions I did not plan in advance.
Maybe, that's part of the fun of poetry.

Bath Time
    
Ah, a bath.
Turn on the tap
later a nap
Then to dine
Maybe have some wine
let the mind wander,
To places, here, there and yonder.
To momentarily feel
Memories so fine
You wish you could
Go backward in time.
Remembering:
Seeing the farmer saying the hay
Watching the mother baking all day
Listening to water splashing onto rocks
Seeing big boats pulling into square docks. .
Gazing at goldsmiths fixing a clock
Staring at stockbrokers counting their stock
Looking at goods I wish I could pawn
Awed at fog hiding the dawn
Shocked at stars twinkling so bright
Squinting at summer sunsets sublime
Having a good time all of the time.

I like this poem. It's fun and cheerful. I'm new to poetry, so take all my critique with a grain of salt. I think do think it could use a different title, however, as it doesn't have have all that much to do with a bath. I think line 15 would flow better if you changed "onto" to simply "on". I also think line 16 would work better without "square". In line 21 "shocked" might work better as "amazed" in order to continue with the theme of wonderment.

[Wonderfullife]

Good and useful comments and suggestions. Thanks for that. I really did not put much thought into the poem, it more or less 'wrote itself'.
I will redraft it, taking into account the ideas mentioned here.

[Zella]

Hi Wonderfullife! This is my first post here on this forum. From a totally amateur perspective here is my critique of your poem. It was fun, starting off lightly and getting heavier near the end.

I wrote this poem just for fun. Many poems I read deal with very serious stuff. I thought it is a good idea to do something lighter.
The rhyme took on 'a mind of its own' leading the poem in directions I did not plan in advance.
Maybe, that's part of the fun of poetry.

Bath Time     (maybe rather something like "Bath Reflection" to better hint at the poem content)
    
Ah, a bath.
Turn on the tap
later a nap
Then to dine
Maybe have some wine    (I'd leave out "have" for better rhythm)
let the mind wander,
To places, here, there and yonder.    (also I would leave out "there")
To momentarily feel
Memories so fine
You wish you could
Go backward in time.
Remembering:
Seeing the farmer saying the hay   ("saying"?)
Watching the mother baking all day
Listening to water splashing onto rocks
Seeing big boats pulling into square docks. .
Gazing at goldsmiths fixing a clock
Staring at stockbrokers counting their stock
Looking at goods I wish I could pawn
Awed at fog hiding the dawn
Shocked at stars twinkling so bright   (did you omit a line to rhyme with "bright"?)
Squinting at summer sunsets sublime
Having a good time all of the time.

(Please do not use red pen for critiques as this is used by mods for in post messages. Parenthetical, bolded black is usually the accepted usage.  Thanks /mod

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey WL. I will try to offer what I can knowing you wrote this for fun yet anticipating you want some bumps in the right direction.

I wrote this poem just for fun. Many poems I read deal with very serious stuff. I thought it is a good idea to do something lighter.
The rhyme took on 'a mind of its own' leading the poem in directions I did not plan in advance.
Maybe, that's part of the fun of poetry.

Bath Time
    
Ah, a bath. consider "the bath" maybe more direct
Turn on the tap
later a nap the bath is over already?
Then to dine
Maybe have some wine
let the mind wander, 
To places, here, there and yonder. Try to avoid yonder- its only purpose here is rhyme. 
To momentarily feel
Memories so fine
You wish you could
Go backward in time. Omission is your friend here
Remembering:
Seeing the farmer saying the hay I think you started freewriting about here. Not that there is anything wrong with that... but how does any of it add to the poem?
Watching the mother baking all day
Listening to water splashing onto rocks
Seeing big boats pulling into square docks. .
Gazing at goldsmiths fixing a clock
Staring at stockbrokers counting their stock
Looking at goods I wish I could pawn
Awed at fog hiding the dawn
Shocked at stars twinkling so bright
Squinting at summer sunsets sublime
Having a good time all of the time. Strange ending for the relaxing dream in the bath motif

[AsianPotato]

I wrote this poem just for fun. Many poems I read deal with very serious stuff. I thought it is a good idea to do something lighter.
The rhyme took on 'a mind of its own' leading the poem in directions I did not plan in advance.
Maybe, that's part of the fun of poetry.
 
Bath Time
    
Ah, a bath.
Turn on the tap
later a nap
Then to dine
Maybe some wine
And let the mind wander,
To places, here, there and yonder.
To momentarily feel
Memories so fine
You’d wish you could
Go back in time,
Back when the days were simple and fine.
Remembering:
The farmer laying the hay
Watching your mother baking all day
Listening to water drops splashing ever so gently onto pebble, stones and rocks
Seeing massive boats pulling into crowded docks. .
Gazing at goldsmiths fixing a broken clock
Staring at stockbrokers counting their never ending stock
Looking at goods I wish I could pawn
Awed at the fog hiding the dawn
Shocked at stars twinkling so bright
Squinting at summer sunsets sublime
Reminiscing the good old times,
Back when the days were simple and fine.

I'm practically a newborn child in terms of poetry, so the following suggestions may or may not help you with this poem. 

I'm not used to writing or reading poems that are this cheerful, the stuff above is my take on it, I'd say its a pretty good poem. One suggestion that you'd might consider is having the part after Remembering:  to be written more in the way a mind wanders ( having random thoughts about random things and whatnot).

[Wonderfullife]

Thanks for the feedback and suggestions. It is interesting how changing just one or two words can sometimes completely change not only one line in a poem, but also its subsequent development. Lots of good ideas.

[will_speckleton]

I wrote this poem just for fun. Many poems I read deal with very serious stuff. I thought it is a good idea to do something lighter.
The rhyme took on 'a mind of its own' leading the poem in directions I did not plan in advance.
Maybe, that's part of the fun of poetry.

Bath Time 
     
Ah, a bath.
Turn on the tap
later a nap
Then to dine
Maybe have some wine
let the mind wander,
To places, here, there and yonder.
To momentarily feel 
Memories so fine
You wish you could
Go backward in time.
Remembering:
Seeing the farmer saying the hay
Watching the mother baking all day
Listening to water splashing onto rocks
Seeing big boats pulling into square docks. .
Gazing at goldsmiths fixing a clock
Staring at stockbrokers counting their stock
Looking at goods I wish I could pawn
Awed at fog hiding the dawn
Shocked at stars twinkling so bright
Squinting at summer sunsets sublime
Having a good time all of the time.

Great work.
Here's my take on it.

Bath Time

     
Ah, a bath.       -       Ah, a bath.
Turn on the tap       -      We've turned on the tap
later a nap       -      We're ready to nap
Then to dine       -      But we'll dine
Maybe have some wine       -      Maybe, for reasons
let the mind wander,       -      We'll fill up the seasons
To places, here, there and yonder.       -      With regale, retail, and some wine
To momentarily feel        -     We'll bode to our heathens
Memories so fine       -      And fight for their reasons,
You wish you could       -    None which seem to repair
Go backward in time        -    Our unwind

Remembering:

Seeing the farmer rolling the hay

Watching my mother, she's baking all day

Listening to water that's splashing on rocks

Seeing their boats pulling into the docks. .

Gazing at goldsmiths when fixing a clock

And all of the brokers who counted their stock

Staring at goods that I wish I could pawn

Finding the fog when I'm hiding at dawn

Still under the stars that twinkle so bright

Squinting at summer through all of the night

Having a good time, steering all the time.

Please remember that a critique is about improving the poem which is there, not making the poem into what you would like it to be. As this is not in any of the three critical forums and thus does not count toward membership, I will approve it. I appreciate the effort put into it, however there is nothing remotely valuable in terms of a critique. (Poetry stood on it own feet -pun intended- without recourse to colorizing words.)

However, had this appeared in either of the three critical forums, it would be deleted as this is not a valid critique. Please look on the site or ask one of the mods for help in critiquing a poem. /mod

[helloworld]

This may be a little late in the game but thought i'd throw in some suggestions as i'm new here and this seemed like a good pick

Ah, a bath.
Turn on the tap - "that tap" instead of "the tap"
perhaps later a nap 
Then on to dine
Maybe have some wine
let the mind wander,
To places, here, there and yonder.
To momentarily feel 
Memories so fine
You wish you could
Go backward in time. - maybe "back" or "backwards" would flow better
Remembering:
Seeing the farmer saying the hay - assuming you meant to say "laying" and not saying" :-) so maybe fix that typo there 
Watching the mother baking all day
Listening to water splashing onto rocks - try "splash" instead of "splashing"
Seeing big boats pulling into square docks. - "onto" instead of "into"
Gazing at goldsmiths fixing a clock - "their clocks" instead of "clock"-might fit in better as your previous lines had plural nouns at the end
Staring at stockbrokers counting their stock - again, maybe "stocks" instead of "stock"
Looking at goods I wish I could pawn
Awed at the fog hiding the dawn
Shocked at stars twinkling so bright - maybe "stunned as stars who twinkle so bright"
Squinting at summer sunsets sublime
Having a good time all of the time.

These are all only suggestions that i felt might make your poem flow just a little better, from an amateurs perspective. However, your poem is already very good! Good imagery, really led to the reader visualizing all parts of the poem, continue with that.

[Wonderfullife]

Thanks for taking the time to write your observations. The contributions make interesting reading.