First Edit: Winter Storm

[Richard]

First Edit:

Winter Storm

Clouds grey as my brain,
the first snow descends like unwanted thoughts.

I discovered years ago that dormant grass
is best covered before it's trampled
by oblivious feet.

Tomorrow, the roads will be closed.
I'll wear my practiced smile
while you cook breakfast and hum Christmas carols.


Original:

Winter Storm

Clouds grey as a brain.
Ice pellets fall and shatter
like broken dreams.
But fresh snow isn't nearly as cold
as a practiced smile that covers one's face.

[just mercedes]

Hi Richard. I get the mood of your poem! Chilly, repellent.

For me, 'broken dreams' is suspect. Three uses of 'as' in such a short poem stands out. Maybe 'Clouds, brain-grey' or something similar would help. Also, I think the final four words weaken the end. They're implied, surely, in 'smile'.

[QDeathstar]

Winter Storm

Clouds grey as a brain.
Ice pellets fall and shatter
like broken dreams.
But fresh snow isn't nearly as cold
as a practiced smile that covers one's face.

Hi, broken dreams is very tired. I'm trying to figure out why brains? I agree that a practiced smile and covers one's face is redundant. Maybe "a practiced smile that chills my soul" or something like that. I think this poem might be more affective if this was a precursor storm, like the first winter storm or something, could make the poem more interesting forshadowing the long winter... Maybe, also, ones face? Whose face. We should have specifics here, i think.

[shemthepenman]

hello, 

“like broken dreams” is a cliche and the last lines are too prosaic. i get the impression you had the aphoristic thought, something like, “snow is cold as a practiced smile” and tried to lazily build a poem around this witticism. the first line is relatively interesting, though. i’d keep that and jettison the rest. 

Winter Storm

Clouds grey as a brain.
Ice pellets fall and shatter
like broken dreams.
But fresh snow isn't nearly as cold
as a practiced smile that covers one's face.

[RiverNotch]

Winter Storm

Clouds grey as a brain.
Ice pellets fall and shatter
like broken dreams. Eh, it's concrete to abstract, unlike both above and below -- the metaphor really doesn't work. But ah, I'm echoing. Maybe something as sharp as "brain", "practiced smile"?
But fresh snow isn't nearly as cold
as a practiced smile that covers one's face.

[Richard]

Hey all,
Thanks for the feedback.

mercedes - The last line went through three versions on the way to this one, which I think shows based on the feedback. I really like your suggestion about dropping the final four words.
QDeathstar- I like the precursor storm idea and plan on using that some how in the edit.
shemthepenman - I wrote this poem months ago and just added the image of the practiced smile today. I was bored one lunch break last winter and looked outside to notice that the clouds looked like a depressed brain, and I went form there. However, your comment makes me reevaluate about how effective I was with my imagery in this poem.
RiverNotch - I was worried about the broken dreams line, but I'm sucker when it comes to such images. I blame Langston Hughes... I plan on changing it.

Once again, I greatly appreciate all your comments. I really wanted to know if this poem was working, and now I have some ideas on where to take it from here.

Thanks again,
Richard

[rose]

Hi,

I really like the last two lines. I would keep the line "as a practiced smile that covers one's face." I don't feel it is redundant. Someone can have a fake smile but a fake smile that then covers their faces implies that the mask takes over who they are. On this note, you might want to mention or foreshadow the idea you are ending on a big earlier in the poem. Maybe you could replace the "brain" imagery with a description that connects more to your concluding idea.

[Richard]

Hey Rose,
Welcome to the site. Thanks for the feedback. I like your point about the practiced smile, but I ended up going in a bit of a different direction with this poem in the first edit. shemthepenman's comments really got me rethinking about what I wanted to say here. I started to feel like I was being too vague in the original, so I ended up doing a drastic edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Linda]

Hi Richard. I'm new here, I have been reading the posts your poem caught my eye

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 IMHO, your 1st edit is fine I do like what you have added.  The second S is a perfect metaphor for what you are trying to convey.
I have another suggestion to replace broken dreams 

ice pellets fall and shatter
like dreams of what we once had 

S3 is perfect as it is, in my opinion it is needed it brings the poem back to reality and leaves the reader wanting more

From my experience we can over work a poem and loose the initial thoughts the author had intended.
Linda

[UlrickMasters]

[quote="Richard" pid='234556' dateline='1507677690']
First Edit:

Winter Storm

Clouds grey as my brain,
the first snow descends like unwanted thoughts.  <- I loved this Stanza Started this poem on a rocket ship 

I discovered years ago that dormant grass
is best covered before it's trampled    <- This story your telling is appearing in my mind 
by oblivious feet.

Tomorrow, the roads will be closed.
I'll wear my practiced smile
while you cook breakfast and hum Christmas carols.  <- Ending this perfectly making me understand everything you summarized the storm that actually going on

Wowwwwwww The changes here were pretty great I didn't really like the original much 

[Richard]

Hey Linda and UlrickMasters,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words. I might attempt a third edit and merge some of the original back in, but I'm not sure. I need to let this one sit for a bit and then decide.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Wastrel]

Hi Richard - For me, the first line of the edit doesn't work as well as the original.

Original: Clouds grey as a brain.
I'm seeing a cloud in the sky that looks like a brain, or a brain in the sky that looks like a  cloud.

Edit 1: Clouds grey as my brain.
My brain/your brain is hidden from view, inside a head with a face on it.
"My brain" I read as thoughts/feelings/perceptions - clouds grey as my mood.

I liked the unexpected cloud picture of the original.

[RiverNotch]

To be brief: as much as the first one may have read as constructed for the sake of an aphorism (and this is a reader who likes aphorisms), it had one trait far above the edit: brevity. It said better in four (I'm discounting "like broken dreams") what this doesn't in (what reads like) twenty. I'd be content if the original's aphorism were just reworded (in retrospect, it really isn't that smooth) and, as I earlier noted, if "like broken dreams" were replaced.

[Richard]

Hey RiverNotch,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm starting to think I underestimated the first draft.

Thanks again,
Richard