the lives ended too soon

[wesliewilkin]

life keeps pitching fatal blows
there’s no light at the end of their tunnel
what’s the point in getting back up again?
each day is a weary drag, bound to darkness
gloom clouds every direction
when does this tunnel end?
outside, people rush past, content and happy
inside, they can almost hear the laughter, the gladness
they can almost taste it, but the darkness whisks it away each time they almost touch it
why can’t they just be happy?
numbness swells through the tunnel and drowns everything in its path
empty souls fill the tunnel, void of everything but misery
 
life punches
darkness cleaves
numbness floods
 
death grins
he almost has them
every bone in their body is filled with desolation
death grasps them and whispers pretty lies in their ears
oh, how death is desirable!
relief, release from this prison!
oh, how simple, how easy it would be!
no more torment, no more problems to contend with
death would finally make them free!
 
will they accept his offer?
their mind is brimming with his soft suggestions, his lovely deceits
they trust him!
they want so deeply to trust him
 
they turn their eyes upward
death nods
they inhale deeply
one shot, and it will all be gone
one shot will solve everything
 
they shoot
they shoot out of this life
a star, a shooting star that died out far too quickly
 
finally free?
maybe.
 
but not the others.
when the others find out, think of their agony
the family. the friends. they are left shattered and broken.
death lied, of course.
maybe the one life is free, but now the others are shackled to sorrow
the others are left to muddle through what’s left
the others are left in the same state the one was in
slowly, they fall into the tunnel that held the one prison,
and it all begins again.
sorrow, despair, numbness, hurt
wearily crawling through each day, everything in shambles
available for death to murmur the same falsehoods to them
it’s a vicious cycle, a dreadful loop
death is a terrible and wonderful liar.

[HersheyKiss]

I like the story to your poem a feel at least a small handful of people can relate to this like myself. Tho im not sure why your character is trapped in sorrow and dying? Are they depressed? Or are they sick? I think adding hints of which it is will give more of a life to your story. I also see it as one person, from their point of view. It seems they are alone. As if maybe unwanted. Cast away with others that are the same. But then you add in family. And how they are filled with sorrow that the one they loved is gone. This love it didn't exist before in the beginning of your poem. It was nowhere to be found. And after your character dies it suddenly exist? There is a pretty big jump there in your poem from one subject to another. Maybe change it up at the end or add pieces of those who care in the beginning. All in all i loved your story your poem shared. Like i said I can relate to it.

[wesliewilkin]

HersheyKiss,
thanks for your feedback! the jump from being alone to seeing that others care was somewhat intentional, as I wanted to show how it feels to be depressed. You don't realize that others care for you and all you can see is through your dark tunnel vision... so you don't see or know that people do care. I did this because it took until death was right there for me to realize that people do care, and most people don't realize it until it's too late. I might try to change it up to make the idea flow a little better though (: thanks again!