On Tuning A Guitar

[Magpie]

(edit 1)
On Tuning A Guitar

When two notes 
slowly
approach each other
they quiver
in anticipation 
of a union.

The tremolo slows and fades 
as they become locked together,
then trembles
again as they part.

An oddity in acoustics,
'Interference beats'
helps the ear to tune.
Missed by a generation 
of app happy people
who prefer to use their eyes.

The world is your octave.

Delete the tuning app
and one day you'll hear the fridge;
slightly out of tune with the kitchen light.

And when you fluke
a fart that's in the same key
as the commercial jingle 
you'll laugh because you know.

... and who wouldn't want that?


(original)
On Tuning A Guitar

  When two notes 
          slowly
approach each other
they quiver in anticipation
of a possible unison.
Tremolo slows and fades away
as they become locked together,
then trembles with frustration
as they once more part.

'Interference beats',
a beautiful acoustics oddity
helping the ears to tune a guitar.
Missed by a generation of smart
phone app happy people
who prefer to use their eyes instead.

    If you listen
you'll become a better musician.

The world is your octave.

Delete the tuning app from the smart phone
  (delete the smart phone from the planet)
and one day you'll hear the fridge
is slightly out of tune with the kitchen light.

Then eventually when you fluke
that one in a million fart that's in tune
with the commercial jingle you'll laugh 
         because you knew.

... and who wouldn't want that?

[CRNDLSM]

I love the first strophe, like people, really helps me appreciate the thing I'm worst at with a guitar. The rest sounds a little preachy, then again it's like you're calling me out and I'm defensive.

I can tune the guitar to itself, but I have no idea where E is so I'm an app user, it's also faster in a room of people

[Magpie]

The joke at the end was trying to deflect any preachiness. It's hard to write 'advice' in a poem and not sound preachy unless your Blake taking on a persona.

I am intrigued by the oddity of using a different sense to a one that would seem more logical for a specific task, ie tuning an instrument through sight. 

When I started out playing I had pitch pipes and just used the A note and then tuned the rest from there. If you can tune the guitar to itself then that's good enough. I feel as though I have benefited so much from not using a tuner it has given me a better sense of pitch.

I might try and rework this somehow.

Cheers

[brynmawr1]

Hi Magpie,

I do like this, especially the joke at the end and 'the world is your octave'.  Well done!
It's definitely worth a little tuning.
Slide it over to one of the critique forums if you want some input.
Bryn
PS I am enjoying the blues thread.

[Magpie]

Thanks Bryn,

wasn't sure it was good enough (or serious enough) to be workshopped, but I would like to try and make it better so put it in mild and see what happens. Cheers

Glad your enjoying the blues thread, i will keep posting in it.

Magpie

[brynmawr1]

On Tuning A Guitar

  When two notes 
          slowly
approach each other
they quiver in anticipation 
of a possible unison.  
Tremolo slows and fades away 
as they become locked together,
then trembles with frustration
as they once more part.
Consider
When two notes approach
they quiver
in anticipation of a union.

The tremolo slows and fades
then trembles
again as they part

'Interference beats',
a beautiful acoustics oddity  Invert these two lines,  acoustic 
helping the ears to tune a guitar  helps, 'ear',  guitar is in the title 
Missed by a generation of smart   A pleasure missed by a generation/
phone app happy people  of smart phone app happy people
who prefer to use their eyes instead.

I say listen,
the world is your octave.

Delete the tuning app from the smart phone
  (delete the smart phone from the planet)
and one day you'll hear the fridge
is slightly out of tune with the kitchen light.  almost cut 'is',your call.

And when you fluke
that one in a million fart  is it one in a million or daily?  Depends on your diet, I say.
that's in-tune with the commercial jingle 
you'll laugh because you know.

... and who wouldn't want that?

My take.

[Magpie]

On Tuning A Guitar

  When two notes 
          slowly
approach each other
they quiver in anticipation 
of a possible unison.  
Tremolo slows and fades away 
as they become locked together,
then trembles with frustration
as they once more part.
Consider
When two notes approach
they quiver
in anticipation of a union.

The tremolo slows and fades
then trembles
again as they part

'Interference beats',
a beautiful acoustics oddity  Invert these two lines,  acoustic - it's the study of 'acoustics' so i need to reword the sentence
helping the ears to tune a guitar  helps, 'ear',  guitar is in the title 
Missed by a generation of smart   A pleasure missed by a generation/
phone app happy people  of smart phone app happy people
who prefer to use their eyes instead.

I say listen,
the world is your octave.

Delete the tuning app from the smart phone
  (delete the smart phone from the planet)
and one day you'll hear the fridge
is slightly out of tune with the kitchen light.  almost cut 'is',your call.

And when you fluke
that one in a million fart  is it one in a million or daily?  Depends on your diet, I say. - not daily the ones that are in the same key as the tune that's on - that's really rare (unless you train for it, i suppose) - needs rewording
that's in-tune with the commercial jingle 
you'll laugh because you know.

... and who wouldn't want that?

My take.

Thanks Bryn you made some good suggestions and also shown me where I need more clarity in a couple of places.

Cheers for the input, edit on the way

[brynmawr1]

And when you fluke
that one in a million fart  is it one in a million or daily?  Depends on your diet, I say. - not daily the ones that are in the same key as the tune that's on - that's really rare (unless you train for it, i suppose) - needs rewording     Sorry, this comment was really just a joke.  No need to change, although 'one in a million' is a little cliche
that's in-tune with the commercial jingle 
you'll laugh because you know.


I look forward to your edits
bryn

[Magpie]

Edit posted, cheers Bryn

[TrevorConway]

Hi Magpie,

Lovely ideas here. I resonated strongly with me, so to speak :-). I thought it was a bit too explainy early on (just a little bit), and the structure could be manipulated to make it more interesting overall (see re-working below). There might also be a more interesting title to be found, maybe something like "Fine Tuning", "Harmonics" or, if you're into puns, "Don't Fret".


On Tuning A Guitar

When two notes 
slowly
approach each other [Combine into one line: "When two notes approach each other". The line breaks feel self-conscious here]
they quiver
in anticipation [Again, combine: "they quiver in anticipation"] 
of a union. [This feels fine by itself]
[Remove stanza break?]
The tremolo slows and fades [One line: "The tremolo fades as they lock together"]
as they become locked together,
then trembles
again as they part. [One line "and frets to exhaustion as they part"? I actually didn't mean the pun here; I just thought something indicating nerves would suit, and "trembles" doesn't fit so soon after "tremolo", I think, as both words come from the same idea/root, so it felt like you didn't search hard enough for alternatives to avoid a sense of repetition] 

An oddity in acoustics,
'Interference beats'
helps the ear to tune. [Delete the first 3 lines here and start with "The world is your octave, / missed by a generation of app-happy people/kids/teenagers"]
Missed by a generation 
of app happy people
who prefer to use their eyes. [Delete line]

The world is your octave.

Delete the tuning app [Remove "tuning" and place this line after "of app-happy people", continuing the stanza]
and one day you'll hear the fridge; [remove semicolon]
slightly out of tune with the kitchen light. [maybe "approach the tune of the kitchen light"?

And when you fluke
a fart that's in the same key
as the commercial jingle [One line: "a fart in the key of a commercial jingle"]
you'll laugh because you know.

... and who wouldn't want that? [The ending seems unsatisfying to me. How about:

prepare to laugh as you realise
they'll someday make an app for that

?]

I really enjoyed your poem.

Trevor