About a Girl

[Universalchild]

Not so sure on the title. I wanted it to sound like it might be a romantic poem, but I think it just sounds too obvious.

This is more experimental stuff - trying with a bit o' the old free-verse. Tried a total lack of punctuation save for using apostrophes because I couldn't bear to leave them out... Should I? Does it ruin the effect? It's a bit long too.

It's kind of difficult expressing a story like this. This is a real story, it happened to someone I am close to. I hope I did it some justice.

---------

remember her
her sad jaded guise
faded laughter
dulled visage
fragile tears
a shade of someone
she could be
anyone

forever
behind smokey mirrors
she haunted empty spaces
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass

nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whispered
that she was broken by years
of being alone

couldn't bear her own reflection
tried to hide from herself
but to everyone else
invisible

she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite

underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate

isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed

they found her huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered and swollen
she finally found company
in the form of little black flies
who swarm lovingly around her smile
her hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen

[penguin]

Hello Phaedra. First off, I like this better than your other poems. It feels more authentic and if each of us has a mode of writing that best suits us then maybe this is yours.
I don't know if a lack of punctuation disbars question marks. If it didn't, ought there to be one at the end of the first line? I guess that's why we use punctuation! I like the 1st verse - you could maybe lose"anyone".
smokey mirrors - it's a bit naff and done before. Besides, isn't it smoky?
You might want to think about whether someone can both whisper and be unspoken.
Maybe "and to everyone else/ invisible"?
As you say, it's quite long. The next few verses could be made more compact.

she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die
underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin

isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself

they found her huddled
blistered and swollen
a company of black flies swarming
around her smile
her hollow eyes
stare blankly
frozen

Sorry if I've taken too many liberties.

[billy]

I'd either go with no punctuation at all or complete punctuation. (so as not to confuse the reader) that said i can't see the harm in an apostrophe or three

Not so sure on the title. I wanted it to sound like it might be a romantic poem, but I think it just sounds too obvious.

This is more experimental stuff - trying with a bit o' the old free-verse. Tried a total lack of punctuation save for using apostrophes because I couldn't bear to leave them out... Should I? Does it ruin the effect? It's a bit long too.

It's kind of difficult expressing a story like this. This is a real story, it happened to someone I am close to. I hope I did it some justice.

---------

remember her
her sad jaded guise
faded laughter
dulled visage
fragile tears
a shade of someone
she could be
anyone

forever
behind smokey mirrors
she haunted empty spaces
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass

nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whisperedi like these two lines and get that she's speaking through an action as opposed to a vocal sound
that she was broken by years
of being alone this is the best of the 1st three stanza. no nits as such

couldn't bear her own reflection
tried to hide from herself
but to everyone else
invisible

she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die use quotes or italics or separate the line...or any combination in order to make it stand out
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite

underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate

isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed

they found her huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered and swollen
she finally found company
in the form of little black flies
who swarm lovingly around her smile
her hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen

it's mild crit so thats about it in the body
i do think you could cut a fair bit away without harming the poem. i never noticed any problem with the punctuation. you do have some cliche in there that would love a change i have to say, it felt honest. i'm glad you didn't go the way of the cliched cutter poets. and that it was made from an observers POV.
the last stanza could be tidied up in to a really good end.

thank for the read.

[Philatone]

hello universal
here some thoughts. apologies if i overstep my bounds

with regards to the title: i don't think you need the "about"; it's already clear with the piece

Not so sure on the title. I wanted it to sound like it might be a romantic poem, but I think it just sounds too obvious.

This is more experimental stuff - trying with a bit o' the old free-verse. Tried a total lack of punctuation save for using apostrophes because I couldn't bear to leave them out... Should I? Does it ruin the effect? It's a bit long too.

It's kind of difficult expressing a story like this. This is a real story, it happened to someone I am close to. I hope I did it some justice.

---------

remember her
her sad jaded guise...need this "her"? the line before carries into this line well
faded laughter
dulled visage
fragile tears
a shade of someone ...maybe you could pick one or two of these details and elaborate?
she could be
anyone...not sure if this is needed..."a shade of someone/ she could be" is interesting and feels strong to me

forever
behind smokey mirrors
she haunted empty spaces
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass

nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whispered
that she was broken by years
of being alone

couldn't bear her own reflection
tried to hide from herself
but to everyone else
invisible

...not sure if you feel it, but to this point it has a "report" feel to it. "she" is the subject of most of the verbs. the attention feels too focused on her; the environment you create feels flat
she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite

underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate

isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed

they found her huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered and swollen
she finally found company
in the form of little black flies
who swarm lovingly around her smile
her hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen

the story strikes me as a bit too linear and, again, focused a bit too much on this subject (the girl). yes, there are details and it does feels honest, but there is an energy missing in the piece, making it hard for me to connect with

[Universalchild]

@penguin

Perhaps because this poem is a real event it carries more weight and emotion. Every other poem I have posted so far has been a story either completely fantasy or based vaguely on someone/something.

Since you and someone else mentioned the anyone, I'll try cutting it out in the edit and see how I feel.
It is smoky? Oops. I think that looks stupid though. I shall cast it aside!
To clarify, she is unspoken because people don't talk about her. They ignore her because facing her is painful. She "whispers" in blood, meaning she only expresses herself through self harm, it does not refer to an actual whisper.

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll take everything into consideration. Don't feel you have overstepped, some lines I won't cut/change because they are simply part of the poem, but I wouldn't post it if I wasn't willing to edit.



@billy

I want a lack of punctuation without making it difficult to read. That might just be annoying though.

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll repost the edit in serious crit so you can have a real dig if you like. I posted it here because I didn't think it was ready for serious crit. I was paranoid it was overly cliche because... Well, I know this subject is common, but when you write about something which actually happened, I think there is a degree where it can be allowed, as long as you try and express it in a different way.

@Philatone

Don't worry about overstepping, I'm here to improve and learn.

She is the only focus of the poem. Considering the subject, I think there is nothing else that can be focused on. And it may have a report-ish feeling to it, but it kind of is a poem of an event. This isn't a story in the sense of something which was imagined, this is just a truth. If it is too linear, I'm not sure if it's possible to change it, as I think it would dishonor her memory to invent something. All that was ever known of this was that she lived an awful, pitiful life, and died alone.

[billy]

@billy

I want a lack of punctuation without making it difficult to read. That might just be annoying though.

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll repost the edit in serious crit so you can have a real dig if you like. I posted it here because I didn't think it was ready for serious crit. I was paranoid it was overly cliche because... Well, I know this subject is common, but when you write about something which actually happened, I think there is a degree where it can be allowed, as long as you try and express it in a different way.

sometimes, a lack of punctuation works fine. it's when a reader is forced to pause or carry on when he should be doing something else that it doesn't work.
while it's okay for subjects to be cliche, i think the consensus is that how it's told or shown shouldn't be. let's face it, how many topics are there to write about out there, (a lot less than what people think, i'd wager)

a good poem is usually a good poem because of the quality of original lines and phrases that are used to put it together. which is basically what you just said

[Timmycom]

remember her
her sad jaded guise -
faded laughter
dulled visage
fragile tears
a shade of someone
she could be
anyone

forever
behind smokey mirrors
she haunted empty spaces
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass

nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whispered
that she was broken by years
of being alone

couldn't bear her own reflection
tried to hide from herself
but to everyone else
invisible

she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite

underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate

isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed

they found her huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered and swollen
she finally found company
in the form of little black flies
who swarm lovingly around her smile
her hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen

... This starts of with some kind of blank verse and then wriggles out of it, and then back in, and then out. I donno, I didn't like it that much to be honest. It was very blunt with it's "masculine rymes" that kinda cut too deep. But this really needs a more stable structure before I can start to enjoy it :\

[Paddygirl]

I found when reading this, that the sharpness of word usage worked well to show the poets almost 'choked up' guilt at not being able to do more, as if in the telling of the this, it has new, raw emotion that is still being felt. Stanza 3, 'in blood she whispered' I keep wanting to hear screamed, because to me 'cutting' is a big cry for help. really liked 'all she had was impotent rage and shards of glass' fab image. I think you did a good job showing pain of both girl and poet

[Universalchild]

@billy

I think it is probably alright, for the moment, then. I don't think the lack of punctuation trips people up too much.
Yeah originality is a funny one. Sometimes I think I'm being original but I'm really not, and sometimes I do it without realizing it. Lack of awareness : P Maybe because I don't read enough poetry so don't know what is out there.

@timmy

It's not written in blank verse at all, to my knowledge? If it is, that is accidental.

It is meant to have no structure so I won't be giving one, but I respect that you don't enjoy this sort of thing.

@Paddygirl

Some people do not self harm for attention, they self harm because the pain stimulates them in some way. A scream is a cry for attention, and she wasn't trying to grab attention - if she had done, she might yet have lived. Unfortunately those most at risk are those who slip between the cracks because of their own silence, or the silence of others.

Thanks a lot for your feedback :3

[Todd]

Hi Phaedra,

I like the title. The ambiguity works for me. While this runs counter to some of my own internal (and that's all they are) "rules", I actually quite like this. The lack of punctuation actually seems fine to me. I think you can add minimal punctuation though if you want to. I don't think it kills the style or anything. I haven't read through the comments so I apologize if I repeat. To the lines:

Not so sure on the title. I wanted it to sound like it might be a romantic poem, but I think it just sounds too obvious.

This is more experimental stuff - trying with a bit o' the old free-verse. Tried a total lack of punctuation save for using apostrophes because I couldn't bear to leave them out... Should I? Does it ruin the effect? It's a bit long too.

It's kind of difficult expressing a story like this. This is a real story, it happened to someone I am close to. I hope I did it some justice.

---------

remember her--good opening
her sad jaded guise--you can cut "her" it's already mentioned above
faded laughter
dulled visage
fragile tears--I like the internal rhyme on faded. I struggle a little with these lines it might work better expressed in selected images. That said, you're coming up against the short clipped line length that you need.
a shade of someone
she could be--great line break
anyone

forever--love your strophe break and how you set off the two one work lines, really nice
behind smokey mirrors
she haunted empty spaces--these two lines (mirrors and spaces) are more what I was taking about above with using images instead. Things like this
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass

nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whispered--love these two "she" lines
that she was broken by years
of being alone

couldn't bear her own reflection
tried to hide from herself
but to everyone else
invisible

she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite

underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate

isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed--maybe simply doctor prescribed

they found her huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered and swollen
she finally found company
in the form of little black flies
who swarm lovingly around her smile
her hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen

I made myself stop as this is mild. I think in general I'd consider paring down the close to less images. Stick with a few specific things and honestly for things like this less is more. Implication is more powerful than display.

Sorry if that was over long.

Best,

Todd

[Universalchild]

@Todd

Thanks a lot for your feedback, I appreciate it. I'll consider what you've said for my edit.

"which doctors prescribed" - - - "witch doctors prescribed"

That is why I left which in there. Maybe that is simply too ineffective though.

When I do an edit I'll repost in serious crit :3