01-07-2013, 02:34 PM
Hey DaedricPrince,
You have some good lines here.
I don't think you need "beauty and harmony" they're already implied throughout the poem.
"The colors rise, and the light shines"--can you describe the color, for this image? It would help the reader to understand this better.
"Now the dark tides grow. Roaring at night"---I enjoy this shift of "good to bad" and the idea, I think this can be described better, what kind of roar and from where?
"Following upon the misty frights"---I like the image of misty frights, it lets my mind wander a bit
"All will flee faster than light"---faster than light is a cliche
"shading of insanity"---love that very much!
"Further on the misty waves, the dark of night shuts down in misery"---This is a rather long line, I think you just need "the dark of night shuts down in misery"
"Finally, the bright beauty climbs to harmony"---I like the image of beauty climbing to harmony, brilliant!
"Wheras the evil sky flees away for eternity"---I think a better way to describe the sky other than "evil" would be better, it doesn't add anything, I like the thought of this it just needs to be explained better.
Overall, I like where this is going, there are some good images to work with and some that need to be added for the reader's benefit.
You have some good lines here.
I don't think you need "beauty and harmony" they're already implied throughout the poem.
"The colors rise, and the light shines"--can you describe the color, for this image? It would help the reader to understand this better.
"Now the dark tides grow. Roaring at night"---I enjoy this shift of "good to bad" and the idea, I think this can be described better, what kind of roar and from where?
"Following upon the misty frights"---I like the image of misty frights, it lets my mind wander a bit
"All will flee faster than light"---faster than light is a cliche
"shading of insanity"---love that very much!
"Further on the misty waves, the dark of night shuts down in misery"---This is a rather long line, I think you just need "the dark of night shuts down in misery"
"Finally, the bright beauty climbs to harmony"---I like the image of beauty climbing to harmony, brilliant!
"Wheras the evil sky flees away for eternity"---I think a better way to describe the sky other than "evil" would be better, it doesn't add anything, I like the thought of this it just needs to be explained better.
Overall, I like where this is going, there are some good images to work with and some that need to be added for the reader's benefit.