Who!

[saeity]

25 years of rotton pride.
Proverb: passion makes the bones rot.
But a tranquil mind gives life to the flesh.
Pride not allowing him self to-be liked less loved
his twentys + wasted with regret, for not
listening to his insight,and the above proverb the other way around.- like this opening, it's interesting makes me want to know more.

For months he hid from his friends,sayings,saying he not only got married on his birthday, she left with a fractured nose.- you could insert a little rhythm here- hiding from friends months on end,

He couldn't trust another.
He carryed a kitchen knife for the kill and backed down,
by deception he signed her name on their joint cheque (and paid the price)
lured her into his bedpost one last time.
'What comes around' when you spend a woman's money.

He lived alone rejecting every women's advance,
pride rots the mind up against the red brick wall
with sliver shinning bars and sliver interior no roofs at all ways out.
no friends hindered.
his brother would say you only get one bite of the apple.
Twenty five years on he copped on,'he don't like apples',
he say you only get one bite of the peach and still don't bite till he feel the heat of a woman he can't have cause she's married.
Proud is good pride is droping like rolling stones
after all she was his first-love,
she had asked his hand in marriage
After four months.
Adulterous - like this strophe says much

his favourite? number growing up was 4
She was born 14-04-1964. Four months after they met they married and four months after that they split.

When he was in mental hospitals a few
hoppe he named them for all you can do is pace the wards
for up to six months at a time and he always painted ships,now he knows,it's all about fellowship.


He contacted her on FaceBook she blanked him,
then Ireland fell apart,and she contacted him.
All the years in his head they where still married too till death do us part,
a lover would say; you never got over her.
'Me ould segotia'

good friends doing a line on the net. No.
Stung her good as any Life of Reilly would. -don't think this adds anything here

His life had perished drunk petrified intoxicated 'Y' know
he didn't drink nine to five,he drank when he wanted to from a tap.- love this line
''Rasher's'' savage on his tod, shaper like a soldier once was.- no ideawhat your trying to convey here
Sloshed a thing now of the past,
this year he be good this year will be good,
for it's his last of his forties, looking fresh burned shell,
'stop the lights' ' he wants to get off'
'good trip' he hasn't wrote like this in yonks'
a Eejit once was gaa gaa
'not the full shilling you know'
How's the craic?.
How's your father: That means; 'what's going on'.- this line is redundant

Mattie 15-03-2013

Hi Mattie, Who indeed, this reads as quite a biographical piece but it's in critique sooo.... Overall it reads to me at the moment like prose- inserting more rhythm will help, think of some good metaphors/similes, personification - that tap could have spoken to you ha! There is a lot here to work with, you could make a few pieces out of this -goodluck

saeity.