05-15-2013, 02:59 PM
it has a feel of a mothers day poem.
i prefer the original by the way
More than her lipstick
or blood running through,
her red strokes on canvas
are painted in you.
i have no problems with it can't give any pointers as to how to improve it. it's a women, and she's an artist, L1 and 3, tell us so. there's an ambiguity as to who the you of the 4th line is, it's either a mother, lover, or child (the child could be the artist, which would make it a female you) or as an outside bet it could just be someone who's sitting for the painter; which i doubt. the whole tone of the poem screams the you is your (the persona doing the narrative) love which begs the question, who are you, a husband and father of the you? a bro of the you or maybe even a sister. no way jose, you're the the dad or the love of the you. i discount dad because of the love element, so the you his her daughter and your daughter, i see nowt sexual in the poem so moved back from lover to dad being the narrator. it's okay if it isn't because the ambiguity doesn't fuzz up the tenderness element of the poem. the 2nd line also has an ambiguity wich can be seen as blood through veins that drive the artist. it isn't an exceptionally powerful poem but it a well written one that i loved spending time with. the edit feels as though it's too much of a compromise and makes the poem feel a bit wishy washy sorry for going on so much in the novice forum. i just liked the original.
i prefer the original by the way
More than her lipstick
or blood running through,
her red strokes on canvas
are painted in you.
i have no problems with it can't give any pointers as to how to improve it. it's a women, and she's an artist, L1 and 3, tell us so. there's an ambiguity as to who the you of the 4th line is, it's either a mother, lover, or child (the child could be the artist, which would make it a female you) or as an outside bet it could just be someone who's sitting for the painter; which i doubt. the whole tone of the poem screams the you is your (the persona doing the narrative) love which begs the question, who are you, a husband and father of the you? a bro of the you or maybe even a sister. no way jose, you're the the dad or the love of the you. i discount dad because of the love element, so the you his her daughter and your daughter, i see nowt sexual in the poem so moved back from lover to dad being the narrator. it's okay if it isn't because the ambiguity doesn't fuzz up the tenderness element of the poem. the 2nd line also has an ambiguity wich can be seen as blood through veins that drive the artist. it isn't an exceptionally powerful poem but it a well written one that i loved spending time with. the edit feels as though it's too much of a compromise and makes the poem feel a bit wishy washy sorry for going on so much in the novice forum. i just liked the original.