Awakening

[Zerric]

I've kept tcoming back to this poem and tinkering around with it. In the process, what I was trying to say has become clearer. So back to share the rewrite, thanks everyone for the honest feedback.


Red paint drying,
she remembers blue; Spring palette
canvas painting- you.

what is this?? you took perfection in the original...and have slowly ruined it...

More than her lipstick
or blood running through,
her red strokes on canvas
are painted in you.

^That was brilliant. 'Nuff said. It conveyed so much meaning, depending on when and how the reader was feeling when he/she read it.

Then you came up with this...
She was an artist
more than she knew;
it wasn't just her lipstick, or
her blood running through
that colored the canvas-
painted in you.

^This is good. Original was better. But i can still 'feel' it.

Red paint drying,
she remembers blue; Spring palette
canvas painting- you.

^I don't even know what this is.

In short, I don't think you need to clarify what you mean in the poem at all. No one reads a poem to be like 'Hmm...I wonder what the author was thinking about when he/she wrote it.' No...they're only concerned about how the poem makes THEM feel, not YOU. Casual readers are selfish that way. The only people who actually care about what you were thinking and feeling when you wrote it, are people who are studying your poetry, and the people on this site, who are genuinely interested in the background of this poem, and who want you to continuously improve.

ah well...this is just my thoughts on the matter anyway...