06-19-2013, 05:28 AM
(06-12-2013, 03:34 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote:Thanks for the advice! I edited it(06-10-2013, 03:23 AM)AllisonBangert Wrote: It's 3:00 am and I don't careI like a good piece about suicide. I like how you kept it simple in expression but, a good image would be nice in all this and to do away with all the "ands" I think this
It's dark out and I don't care
I was screaming and feeling
I swear I was
I was crying and sobbing,
throbbing and wanting to die
It's 3:05 am and I don't care
the house is silent and I don't care
I was laughing and smiling
I promise I was
I was singing and humming,
running and wanting to win
It's 3:15 am and I don't care
I have to wake early and I don't care
I was holding back tears, contemplating
Worried about my loved ones
Worried about my future
Worried about dying
Scared to do it
Scared to be so selfish
I was screaming, I swear
I promise, I was
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
And I'm not worried about my future
And I'm not worried about dying
And I'm not scared to do it
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
It's 4:00 am and I won't wake up
It's 4:00 am and I don't care
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
And I'm not worried about my future
And I'm not worried about dying
And I'm not scared to do it
would read better like
It's 3:30 am and I'm crying again
But I don't care
I'm not worried about my loved ones
I'm not worried about my future
I'm not worried about dying
I'm not scared to do it
I'd like to see imagery to your suicidal thoughts. Maybe less repetitive words.Otherwise an intense piece.

